The One Thing More Important In Parenting Than What You Do Or Say

What and how you feel shapes what your child becomes.

We used to think that we need to tell children how to behave. Then, we’ve learned that showing is more effective than telling. Now, what is this thing about what and how we feel?

It all goes back to fear or love. Looking at your child and fearing that he needs to be fixed or loving him for what he is and enjoying the great gift of being together.

Tell me, when you take out the Christmas tree and all its glittery, shiny decorations, do you do it because the tree alone isn’t beautiful enough? Or do you do it because you’re celebrating the natural beauty of the tree and of the holiday?

Now tell me, when you look at your child and notice how he behaves, do you feel the need to teach him things because he lacks so many skills and so much knowledge? Or do you feel the need to show him things that will only help him thrive at his own pace?

Do you parent out of fear or do you do it with love? Do you constantly worry that he needs to improve? Or do you accept and embrace him, being grateful for every second you have him by your side?

Nobody thrives from adjustments, but from acceptance.

Children are no different. They don’t need you to feel like they’re not enough, they need to improve and adjust. On the contrary, they need you to feel that they’re on a unique path to self-development.

Fear vs Love translates into Optimization vs Development.

Great parenting doesn’t come from techniques or strategies, repressing your impulses, or striving to pick the best words. It comes from a place where you’re grateful for the child you have. It comes from looking at all the behaviors that irritate or worry you like a chance of giving the child a gift, not a lesson.

When you raise a child focusing on what he is not, what he does not possess, how he doesn’t match the cultural norms and standards, he’ll grow up to believe that he is never good enough.

When you raise a child focusing on acceptance, he may not grow up perfect, but he’ll grow up happier and capable of loving himself. And what else is life if not a string of moments we collect trying to be happy and stay happy?

How you can make acceptance a little easier

Always choose love over fear.

Say that on the day you need to take your child to the doctor, he decides he’s going to wear pajamas. Most parents would freak out at the thought of taking the little child out of the house dressed like that.

If you are like most parents, you’ll feel your heart beating faster and the blood rushing through your veins warmer and warmer. What are you thinking of? Should I let him do this? What if he’ll start raising such demands every day from now on?

If you act out of fear, thinking that your child is not good enough for wanting to go out in pajamas, you’re heading for a fall. You don’t just choose fear. You also choose frustration (does he think he gets a saying every single time?!), projections (what will other parents think of me for allowing this?!), and anger (this child is so spoiled and thinks he can get away with anything!!).

If you act out of love, thinking that there’s nothing wrong with your child wanting to go out in pajamas, you’re avoiding the fall. You embrace acceptance — I love my son, either with pajamas or fancy clothes. I don’t think getting out of the house dressed like that is such a big issue. I want him to be happy. I prefer to choose my battles. I want him to be happy and this is no big deal. You choose love, for your son, and for yourself.

Disclaimer

Choosing love over fear is simple. But there will still be instances when there’s no need to choose. The way to go is more than obvious. Situations where the child’s safety is at stake.

I’m not saying choose love over fear when your toddler insists on getting out of his car seat while traveling. Or letting him play at the oven while dinner cooks in it. Or running into the street in a high-traffic area.

Those are situations where you choose and show your love for him by keeping him safe. They’re non-negotiable.

But for everything else, whenever you feel the need to correct something about your child, ask yourself the real reason why you want to do it. Is it the fear of what he will become? What will others think of you or him? If so, remember to choose love!

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