All orders include an ungracious thought — absolutely free!

Introducing Enemies of Medium

Forget the squishy, do-gooder “Friend of Medium” sucker tier

**Is there someone you’d like to put a hurt on?** | Image James Bellerjeau

How much would you pay to cause some trouble for that author who irks the shit out of you?

You know the one. You will find them reliably doing one or more of the following:

Resisting the utter certainty that the planet will burn before it floods only to have the debris blown away in a hurricane;
Writing something infuriatingly stereotypical and shallow about women, the French, or rich people;
Not convulsively vomiting on their shoes whenever the letter T is found in immediate proximity with the word RUMP;
Denying that capitalism is the obvious cause of all the world’s problems;
Suggesting that unions are not run by angels who shine pure light from their very pores;
Remaining utterly impervious to insult, willfully ignoring every pithy attack from their betters.

Traditional attacks are useless

Fighting them in the comments is a waste of time. You’re just contributing to their earnings. Or worse, you open yourself up to further ignorant mocking.

Blocking them is as useful as plugging your ears and shouting “Nah, nah, nah! Can’t see you! Can’t hear you!” Besides being childish, all this does is remove the sensible people from the discussion.

Writing nasty stories about them does you no good. It only drives more attention their way.

Announcing the solution: Enemies of Medium

The new Enemies of Medium membership option fixes your problem by fixing your nemesis but good.

Simply pay a one-off fee* and indicate the name of the author who bedevils you. Our team of trained gadflies will immediately leap into action and turn the tables on your enemy.

We’ll read their every story and leave inane, off-topic comments.
There is no point too small for us to nitpick, no message too large for us to misinterpret.
Our guarantee: every third comment we leave will be “Thanks for sharing!”
Our random spam generator inserts a naked link to an irrelevant story at delicious intervals designed to beat Medium’s detectors.

**Do you want to see this in your enemy’s future?** | Serendipitous Medium screenshot

The following services are available for a small extra charge:^

Creating a fake profile of this person and running the WhatsApp phishing scam (SPECIAL: for December orders we’ll split the revenues with you 50–50!!!!).
The Perlmutter maneuver: we spring into action, immediately highlighting every word of their every article (except for three subheadings, for variety), driving subsequent readers mad with highlight fatigue.
The Smillew Rahcuef gambit: every week, we choose a new article from your enemy and describe all the mistakes they made under the guise of “helping” them get better.

What’s your peace of mind worth to you?

You can get a temporary tiny boost of good cheer by fantasizing that your $15 “Friend” payment is going anywhere but to line management’s pockets, or you can know you’ve made a real impact on Medium by driving out an annoying ass.

It doesn’t matter how large or how small, 100% human or 100% AI-hack, newbie or Grand Master of the trade — we can take them all down.

You have lost many battles against your Medium enemies. How great is it that you can now win the war, once and for all?

Be well … or get even. The choice is yours.

* Enemies of Medium Pricing:

Basic harassment, member with 1–1,000 followers: $50
Mid-tier meddling, member with up to 10,000 followers: $100
Marquis de Sade package, also for members with more than 10,000 members: $150

^ Add-on Packages: