SATIRE
International Brotherhood of Trolls Union
We’re not all bad
Members of the International Brotherhood of Trolls Union (IBTU), as your steward, it behooves me to remind you of something I hope you already know all too well — we are hard workers and deserve treatment and opportunities equal to all other mythical creatures.
Yes, even unicorns! I had a friend who was a unicorn — trust me, they’re nothing special. It’s probably not a good idea to lend them money, especially the winged ones.
We serve an integral role in storytelling. We are much more than stock characters symbolizing greed, fear, and gluttony. Trolls are not merely evil little smelly beings who bring about chaos. Except for Steve Carlsburg. All he’s good for is smelling and causing chaos.
Several grievances have been filed with the IBTU. Each instance is evidence of how we are being used to represent persistently annoying people on the internet who want nothing more than to stir the pot and upset other people. Trolls don’t use the internet. Technology confuses and angers us.
I propose that the internet itself is the actual troll here ladies and gentlemen. How dare they group us with such vile scum and villainy. Sure, we went through a rough patch and had to resort to toll collecting in backwood bridges. We are not ashamed. We needed the money.
What we are ashamed of is being grouped in the same category as people who have nothing better to do than poke the sleeping bear that is the average American’s fragile opinion.
I propose a rebranding of sorts. It is time for the internet troll to fade into lore and name another symbol for internet shitheels.
Here is a list of possible substitutes.
- A swan — have you met one? Boy, they’re dicks!
- A Kiwi — aren’t they extinct? Like they’ll care.
- Ogres — have you seen them? Gross.
- Steve Carlsburg — my nextdoor neighbor who has serious issues understanding the concept of property lines.
Fellow trolls, it is time we stand up and take back our identity. Yes, we are mythical creatures who spread mayhem and overall bad days. Yes, we have been known in the past to price gouge at bridges. We even have eaten our share of children. But we are much more than that. We offer the world entertainment. We certainly deserve as much as those mooching unicorns.
We are not the bane of the internet — Karen has that market cornered.
Sincerely,
Grendel IBTU president
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