Insecure Spouses Can Be Dangerous
5 Examples of how my success made my husband uncomfortable
Insecure spouses can be dangerous. They will never let you shine. It’s threatening to them. They clip your wings. They will keep you from doing you. They hold you close for fear you may leave them.
My husband was uncomfortable with my success. Be it little or small. Be it personal or professional. He wouldn’t acknowledge it or celebrate it.
Worse, he wouldn’t even allow me to enjoy it.
5 examples of how insecure spouses will dim your light.
And hold you back.
1. Insecure spouse charity work
I throw an annual breakfast fundraiser. On this particular year, a friend who stars on the HGTV Network comes up and says, “You’re a powerhouse. Your speech moved people to laugh and to cry.”
My husband and I go out to dinner that evening. I share her words but he has no response. People stop by our table to remark on the event.
“You should have seen how beautiful it was.”
“You should have seen how much money your wife raised.”
“You should have heard Colleen speak.”
“You must be so proud of your wife.”
My husband says nothing. He does not engage with them about my efforts. He speaks polite chit-chat. He has no interest in hearing about my charitable work or what it took to pull it off.
There will be no conversation.
He won’t take it as a teaching moment with our children to instill the importance of community. He won’t brag about me to a friend. He won’t tell me he’s proud that I care enough to get involved.
He will brush it aside.
2. Insecure spouse dreams come true
I get my first article published in Washingtonian Magazine. I major in business at the last minute instead of journalism. This is the achievement of a childhood dream. It has taken years. My husband knows I have defied the odds. He knows that Washington is the seventh-largest media market in the country making it even more competitive.
He doesn’t care.
He sits uncomfortably as friends pile into the bar to celebrate.
“Aren’t you happy for Colleen?” asks my friend. “Aren’t you proud of her?”
“Sure,” says my husband as his head remains buried in his phone.
He sits in the same chair for the entire night. He never gets up to interact with anyone there to celebrate my achievement. He ruins the evening for me because I am uncomfortable. People can’t help but remark on his body language and ask what’s wrong with him.
I know what’s wrong.
The night is about me, I have accomplished something.
I am coloring outside of our marital lines.
3. Insecure spouse investments
We are visiting my cousin. He asks my husband questions about real estate. We own several investment properties. I wait to see if my husband refers him to me. But he does not.
In my frustration, I say, “Why are you asking him?”
“What do you mean?” responds my cousin.
“It’s me,” I say. “I am the one who got us into real estate and rental properties. I am the one who can answer your questions.”
My husband can’t bring himself to tell my cousin that he doesn’t know anything about real estate or our transactions. He can’t admit it was me who made the goal of buying the first property and getting a part-time job to open an account to begin saving for the house deposit.
It’s me who reads the articles and books on real estate.
It’s me who prompted the purchase of the second property and who handles the bills and rentals for both. But my husband can’t let me have this attention.
He can’t give me credit.
He can’t say I built the business with him, got us into investment properties, manage our finances, and now raise our children.
He needs a different narrative.
He needs to be the marital big man on campus and I, the little woman.
4. Insecure spousal jealousy
We are newly married. I’m working for a big corporation and my husband doesn’t like it. He thinks there are too many single guys there. I think it’s sweet he’s jealous because he has no history of it. In college, he never behaved this way.
“I don’t like you working,” says my husband. “I can’t afford to hire someone to grow the business. You could quit and work with me.”
I leave my job to build the business with him.
I don’t do it because he is jealous. I wouldn’t base my decision on that. It’s because he throws in the fact he needs my help. I am a fixer and a rescuer. He needs me and I’m not going to say no.
He successfully makes my world smaller and his insecure control greater.
But I don’t see it.
I think I am a part of a marital team.
5. Insecure spouse recognition of accomplishment
I open the door and find my husband asleep on the couch. I speak to him an hour before to say I will be home soon.
“You’re not dressed,” I say. “We need to leave.”
He’s indifferent and walks upstairs to get ready and returns in a suit.
“It’s a black-tie event,” I say.
I find out he’s never rented a tux even though he knew. We are now running late. There’s no time to drop our children at my sister’s. My sister insists on driving to our house. Even my family has grown tired of my husband ruining anything that pertains to me.
We finally arrive but miss the VIP cocktail hour and pictures that honor people who have made substantial contributions to the charity.
I have spent years devoted to this cause.
My husband could care less I was to be recognized on this evening.
He made sure to sabotage it.
Summary
One night my husband shocks me.
It’s the first and only time he acknowledges me. We are at a corporate event. It is a company-wide dinner to celebrate awards and the tenure of independent sales agents. My husband is technically self-employed but reps a national brand.
He’s receiving an award for his twentieth year.
During his speech, he uncharacteristically sings my praises.
I paraphrase his words, “I would not have been able to grow this business without my wife Colleen. She’s made so many contributions. Yada, Yada.”
I can’t believe it!
He’s never given me credit for building the business with him.
And then it hits me. The majority of wives work with their husbands and the other sales reps acknowledge them in the annual award speeches. He’s modeling their behavior.
Sadly, his words aren’t even real. They are parroted.
Insecure spouses can be dangerous.
They will never let you shine. It’s threatening to them. They clip your wings. They will keep you from doing you. They hold you close for fear you may leave them.
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