A Young Woman Asked for Relationship Advice

I answered her with one sentence

There’s a get-together in my building and everyone’s enjoying a few laughs. I chat with two young women. The wine flows between us. The lower our glasses get, the deeper the conversation goes.

“You write about relationships?” they ask.

“Yes,” I say. “I’m a freelance journalist and former business columnist. Ten years ago I began writing a relationship column for a national outlet. I’ve spent the past decade in the counseling and research of love and relationships.”

“Oh my gosh,” one girl says. “What advice would you give us?”

Before I can answer, they fill in some personal blanks.

They bemoan their dating angst with colorful stories. They talk about dating apps, the difficulty of meeting men, and a few failed relationships. It’s just not easy to meet the right guy.

They gaze at me with anticipation.

As they anxiously await my reply, I have several thoughts.

I could impart some substantial wisdom. But it’s late, we’re drinking, and they are young. How much will they retain? Given the circumstances, probably not a lot.

I decide I need to answer this question with one memorable sentence.

A tenant that will help them but won’t easily be forgotten. The piece of sage dating advice I would give a daughter. Because it happens to be fundamentally accurate.

It’s an overarching relationship truth.

“Watch the way a man treats his mother because it will one day be the way he treats his wife,” I say.

“Really?” they ask.

“It’s the best overall wisdom I can impart,” I say.

What does this mean?

If a man ignores his mother, rarely calls or visits her, doesn’t treat her to the occasional meal, seldom worries about her, or doesn’t have time to buy her a birthday present, he’s treating her like an obligation.

He doesn’t think of her.

One day his wife will more than likely be treated like an obligation.

Worse, there’s a distinct lack of a relationship between them.

If a man is disrespectful or mistreats his mother there’s a good chance that’s how he will one day treat his wife. Even if while dating he seemingly treats his girlfriend well.

The relationship between a man and his mother can tell you a lot.

Is it written in stone?

No, nothing is absolute. There will be exceptions to the rule. Some men may be simply immature and outgrow their behaviors. Others may work hard to have a great relationship with their wives because they didn’t have one with their own mothers.

But generally speaking, there is significant truth to this one sentence.

I remember years ago, making a simple comment to my friend.

“Your husband is so good to you,” I said.

She smiled at me and said, “My mom told me to always watch the way a man treats his mother.”

This advice came years too late for me.

I’m not sure I would have caught on even if I had heard it. Why? Because my ex-husband didn’t overtly mistreat his mother. He ignored her. That was something that took me years to grasp.

Partially because of my age and partially because I picked up the slack.

I called his mother, I insisted we go visit her, I treated her to meals, and I bought her presents for each special occasion. I worried about her. I wondered if she needed anything.

He never thought of her.

Within years of being married, he rarely thought of me.

He didn’t call me occasionally during the work day, he didn’t wonder how I was functioning while sick with three sick kids, and he didn’t want to buy me presents, or pick me up from the doctor after surgery.

He didn’t worry about me.

He didn’t think about me.

It sounds absurd but I didn’t realize how extreme he truly was until we were married for twenty years. I told him he would need to call his mother this time to say we were unable to come.

I was shocked as I overheard the conversation.

“It’s me,” he says. “It’s your son.”

It seems his own mother didn’t recognize his voice because she had never heard from him. Weeks before, the same thing happened to his father. His dad felt terrible.

“Colleen,” he says. “I feel awful I didn’t recognize his voice, but you’re always the one who calls.”

Love is complicated, but it can also be extraordinarily simple.

As a woman, a wife, and a relationship columnist, I will attest to one thing.

Watch the way a man treats his mother because it will one day be the way he treats his wife.

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