Infidelity isn’t the only way to betray your partner
When it comes to love, we can’t always see where the knives are stashed…
by: E.B. Johnson
Our relationships are complex and have a natural ebb-and-flow to them. Sometimes, we’re riding high. In the next moment, though, we can find ourselves confronting major issues that create fissures in our partnerships. We hurt each other, and sometimes those hurts encompass betrayals that step outside the realm of infidelity. Not all betrayals look like cheating. Sometimes our partners stab us in the back by failing to show up when we need them most.
Infidelity isn’t the only betrayal.
Although we don’t always talk about it, infidelity isn’t the only betrayal we can experience in our relationships. Our partners can betray us in several ways, and they can do this by failing us, abandoning us emotionally, and even putting themselves above everyone and everything else. Has your partner betrayed you? Admitting is often the first step in dealing with the resentment (and lack of faith) you’re experiencing.
Abandoning the corner
Our partners are supposed to be in our corner, meaning they should be there to stick up for us when we’re victimized by the circumstances of life. Not every partner is capable of that, though. Sometimes, when things get hard (or family turns against you) we can find that our partners leave us high and dry. Does your partner stick up for you? Do they support you and hold your corner? A partner who is never there when you need them is a betrayal.
Weaponizing insecurities
Does your partner weaponize your insecurities against you? Do they throw your deepest fears or doubts in your face whenever you argue? Or things get hard? This is always a serious red flag and a slap in the face emotionally. It’s hard to open up to our partners, but we do it willingly because we love them and we want them to see us as we are. They wound us, though, when they then throw those deepest secrets in our faces. Don’t dismiss the pain of this behavior. It’s a classical betrayal that makes it hard to open up in the future.
Emotional fissures
Emotional fissures break our relationships apart at the seams, and drive us away from one another on multiple levels. These divisions occur when a partner distances themselves from us or abandons us emotionally. They shut down and close up. They might push us away with destructive behavior and go out of their way to wound us with accusations and hurtful language. Are you and your partner drifting apart? Is their behavior becoming irrational? It’s hard to trust someone across a deep emotional divide.
Selfish behavior
When we invest in a committed romantic relationship, we expect our loved ones to return that investment. This means we expect them to support us and prioritize our external needs alongside their own. If your partner fails to live up to their part of this agreement, it creates a deep disappointment that is akin to a betrayal. Does your partner put themselves and their loved ones over you? Do they clarify that you inhabit a lower place in their life? You can’t afford to ignore the hurt of selfish behavior.
Big little lies
Lies — no matter how big are small — are always a betrayal in a committed relationship with someone else. If you lie to your partner all the time, even over little (inconsequential things), then you are betraying them and destroying their trust in you. How is your partner with honesty? Are they open and honest with you? Or do they lie to you all the time? We can’t build something stable when we’re building it on shifting sands.
Demanding change
For some reason, many people get into relationships intending to change their partners. Does your partner want you to change? Do they constantly belittle or demean you? Do they suggest you aren’t quite worthy of being their partner? This toxic behavior is also a betrayal of the trust that we have in one another. Instead of feeling comfortable around your partner (and able to open up to them safely) you are made to feel insecure and untrusting.
Intentional sabotage
There’s no ignoring a partner who intentionally sabotages us or the dreams we have for our lives. A loving and faithful partner would never do this. They lift you up and support you, even when they don’t see the vision quite like you do. Does your partner sabotage your dreams? Do you go out of your ways to sabotage their dreams, their career, their friend groups, or something else that is important to them? This is a major betrayal, and one that shouldn’t be suffered in any relationship.
Sharp tongues
Have you ever caught your partner slagging you to someone important — like their family or close friends? Have they ever betrayed you by telling your secrets? Or humiliating you in front of someone important? Again, these are betrayals; just as they would be if they occurred in our closest friendships. While it’s always okay to be open with our loved ones about our relationships, we shouldn’t go out of the way to create aggravation (or turn our loved ones against our partner). That will create long-term problems. We also shouldn’t betray their secrets and talk poorly about them to others.
How to deal with major relationship betrayal.
Has your partner betrayed you beyond the realm of infidelity? While coming back isn’t always an easy process, it can be done when we take time to process our feelings, and then come together to make improvements as a team. It’s important to maintain awareness and honesty, though. Are you really prepared to put in the work it’s going to require? You both need to be ready and willing to make major adjustments.
1. Confront your own feelings first
Betrayal is an emotionally charged event that brutalizes us emotionally. You feel a wash of emotions when you realize the person you invested in has disappointed you. You’ll be angry, sad, insecure, and even fearful. There’s no end to the pictures your imagination will show you. And there’s no end to the hurts you’ll want to inflict on your partner in return. That path is fruitless, however. If you’re serious about putting things back together, spend some time processing.
Before you go stomping into action, you need to spend some time confronting your feelings first. There’s a lot of complex emotions that come with betrayal. You need to make sense of each of those emotions before you fly into a heated confrontation with your partner.
Get space from your relationship. You can do this by carving out some self-care time for yourself each week, or even by going on a solo adventure. Within that space, give yourself a set amount of time to grieve, and scream, and cry. Get a journal and write what you’re feeling. Let each feeling come to you and let yourself experience. Sit with your emotions and get used to them. Question them and write down the answers. How are you feeling about your relationship? What do you want to do moving forward?
2. Don’t skip on conversation
In dealing with the hard stuff in our relationships, there’s no avoiding deep and honest communication. You need to tell your partner how you feel and how their behavior has affected you. This is especially true if you expect them to change. Communication is how we get back to the middle ground and realize our connection on fundamental levels. To move forward, you and your partner have to have a hard talk and be honest about where your relationship is going.
Like it or not, you’re going to have to sit down and have a civil conversation like adults. That’s how relationships work. Issues don’t just come and go at random. When something goes wrong, we have to sit down and talk about it so that we fully understand where the other person is coming from.
Don’t skip on the conversation. Now that you have a handle on your perspective, sit your partner down and share it with them. Tell them how the betrayals have made you feel. Explain your side of the story. Don’t use blaming language, though, and don’t insult or wound your partner. Once you’ve gotten your feelings out, let them have some ground to express theirs.
3. Set realistic goals
Have you and your partner made the commitment to put things back together? Great. To do that, you’ll have to sit down and work as a team to come up with a plan that equals major shifts. This is a process all on its own, and it’s one that we have to be very mindful about. You and your partner have to work, step-by-step, to re-establish trust and stability in yourselves and your relationship. That can’t be done without setting realistic goals that you both can measure and work toward.
Set realistic goals for yourselves and come up with a plan of action to change things around. Now that you know what’s wrong in your relationship, you can figure out what actions put it right. Brainstorm some ideas and come up with a list of actionable tasks that you can undertake as a team.
Each partner should have goals they’re working toward, and you should make time to check in regularly on those goals. Don’t set them in stone either (especially if things have gone really wrong). Allow yourselves to make changes and adjustments as needed. Maybe the shift doesn’t feel right, and you realize you need something different. Maybe your partner realizes the same. Take it one day at a time and communicate throughout so you know how things are going.
4. Work together (or don’t)
One of you alone cannot fix what’s gone wrong — even if one of you is in the wrong. That’s not how partnerships work. Everything is interconnected. Sure, your partner is going to have to make some major changes. But you also need to make some shifts in order to make your partner feel they aren’t alone in their efforts. More than that, work together to address the root causes behind your partner’s betrayals. Why were the conditions ideal for them to stray and leave you when you needed them most?
Work together to put your relationship back together. Each day, you should do something to get back on the same page. Maybe that involves a quick 10 minute coffee session before the kids get up each day. Perhaps it’s getting together once a week for date night and some focused together time.
Only the two of you — together — can make the change happen. One partner going all-in won’t work. It’s not just your partner that needs to change. It’s not just you that needs to change. Both of you need to make the adjustments that make you each feel as though you’re equally invested (and equally benefitting) from your time together. Remember, though, you’re going to work it out, or you’re not. There’s no forcing things or changing your partner.
5. Don’t delay on the right decisions
A lot of couples spend far too long in the repair state, and keep themselves there in order to prevent themselves from experiencing the truth. You can’t tread water with a partner forever who keeps promising that something will change “tomorrow”. Things will either get repaired, or they won’t. Neither one of you has forever to wait. That’s why it’s important to be honest throughout the process, and to manage everything within realistic timeframes.
Give yourselves a time limit, then take a step back and reassess. Have you made the repairs that need to be made? Are you working together as a team to re-establish trust and stability in your relationship? Does it still feel right? Is it still worthwhile?
Don’t delay on the decisions you know need to be made. If you can’t trust your partner again, then you need to admit that. If they can’t rise to the level, or you can’t reset your standards — then you both need to consider what the bigger picture is. Are you really meant for each other? Or would you be happier with partners who better spoke the love languages you’re on frequency with? Instead of dragging things out and staying unhappy, make the right decisions at the right time for you and your partner.
Putting it all together…
All relationships go through difficulties, and all relationships face the concept of betrayal at some point. That’s because betrayal doesn’t just look like cheating. Our partners can betray us when they fail to live up to their side of the investment, or abandon us physically and emotionally. Is your partner always in your corner? Or do you feel them biting you behind the back? If you’re going to work things out, you have to work hard to re-establish faith in one another.
First, take some time to process your feelings and get clear on why you’re hurt and how you want to correct it with your partner. Allow yourself to grieve, or rage, or anything else you need to do. When you’re ready, sit your partner down and let them know how the betrayal has made you feel. Set realistic goals with one another and get clear on how you really want to change things. Work together as a team to put the pieces back together. Your partner isn’t the only one who needs to change. Be clear about the adjustments you need to make too. Give yourselves a healthy timeframe to turn things around. At the end, take a step back and take stock. Has the trust returned? Have you returned to the same page? Be honest. Make the right decisions that equal big picture happiness for you both.
- SILVA, A., SARAIVA, M., ALBUQUERQUE, P., & ARANTES, J. (2017). Relationship quality influences attitudes toward and perceptions of infidelity. Personal Relationships, 24(4), 718–728. doi: 10.1111/pere.12205
- Zhang, J., Zheng, L., Zhang, S., Xu, W., & Zheng, Y. (2021). Vocal characteristics predict infidelity intention and relationship commitment in men but not in women. Personality And Individual Differences, 168, 110389. doi: 10.1016/j.paid.2020.110389
