SELF-IMPROVEMENT
In What Ways Is Vulnerability the Gateway to Healing and Connection?
Day 47, 50 questions for deep self-reflection
Trigger Warning: Psychological exploration and personal growth — everything here is a reflection of self only. If you are triggered, please stop reading immediately. Always put your own mental health first!
- Language warning — extensive contextual use of ‘fuck’.
Have you too been taught to put everyone else’s needs first so that by the time you give all your fucks away, there’s nothing left in the bucket for yourself? What if vulnerability is in no longer creating fucks for others and what if that is the gateway to truest self? I was today-years-old when I discovered that is the gateway for me. Let’s play.
This is day 47 of the 50 Questions for Deep Self-Reflection challenge from Know Thyself Heal Thyself created by Diana C.
DAY FORTY-SEVEN: In what ways is vulnerability the gateway to healing and connection?
This 50-Day Challenge has become a weekly thing and will probably remain so for these last four questions, but it’s actually an interesting reflection of the question this week. This question has layers. I mean, they all have layers, but this one has a lot of words that need to be unpacked in my own perception for me to be able to answer it. And your perceptions of these words may be different. Which is the beauty of these questions. So, let’s start with unpacking the words.
Vulnerability
This is a big word to start with and there are many with a lot to say about it (Brene Brown comes to mind). The dictionary definition offers several interpretations including being open or susceptible to attack or harm and being willing to show emotion.
My most basic perception of vulnerability is a definition that has taken me quite some time to get to, but here it is:
Not giving a fuck!
That’s it. My definition of vulnerability is being me without the fear of external opinion, judgment, perception, etc. Vulnerability for me is about willingly not giving a fuck and showing my authenticity without masking.
Healing
The dictionary definition is the act or process of regaining health.
Health in itself is a word that can be perceived in many ways, so how will I define healing here? I think for me, like vulnerability, healing is a return to the most authentic self be it physical, mental, or both. Healing is the process of sloughing off the external creation and emerging as self.
Connection
The simplest dictionary definition of connection is relationship and association.
For me, connection is not just about relationships with others but first and foremost, relationship with self. There’s clearly a theme emerging in my definitions here. So, I’ll define connection as self-knowing.
Redefining the Question
Let’s put all that together and come up with a reworded question that embraces my definitions.
In what ways is releasing all fucks the gateway to embracing my authentic self?
Great question! I think I kind of somewhat answered it in the exploration of my definitions, specifically in relation to external opinions, etc. In masking and trying to fit in where I was told I was supposed to fit in and be who I was told I was supposed to be, all of my fucks were spread thin amongst everyone, including strangers. I had a lot of fucks to give and I gave them all away and never kept any for myself. I didn’t take back any of those fucks because I didn’t need to.
Because fucks fade!
To me, I think that when you try to take back fucks, that’s where you enter into that awkward disconnect of regret and shame.
Shame?! Oh no…
It’s interesting that I just said shame because I know that I’ve had a lot of shame and blame in my life. Shame has been a central point of my existence. Did I just stumble across the key to removing the shackles of shame? Is it to let go of all previous fucks because they do fade. They do disappear. The only one that cares about any fuck I’ve ever given, is me. So, perhaps this isn’t just about no longer giving a fuck, perhaps it’s also about forgiving myself for all the fucks I’ve already given. My fuck bucket isn’t empty because I gave them all away, it’s empty because I learned to stop making them. Damn!
So…
In what ways is vulnerability the gateway to healing and connection?
- To be self, I must first forgive self, and to forgive self, I must first realize there is nothing to forgive.
What’s already done, got me here. Every fuck I gave, got me to this point. So, would I change anything? Absolutely not. I gave a lot of unnecessary fucks, but that’s okay. It doesn’t matter. Not now. All that matters right now is being completely me and not caring what anybody else has to say about that.
The only fucks I give now are the ones I choose to create and assign to myself, to those who matter most in my life, and to those who need them (rather than demand them)... and this is key… WITHOUT DETRIMENT TO SELF! Because it’s my life. It’s my love. It’s my joy. It’s my existence. Besides, how can I connect with anyone if I don’t embrace that and connect first with self?
I wonder if you can see now why I said deciding to write these weekly is a nice reflection of the question.
Oh, and I’ll still give everybody ‘the fucks’ I write in my books (external link to Amazon). 😉
Perception is mightier than expectation. But if we perceive expectation to be the most important thing, it becomes more important than even our own life experience. There is no growth in regret or blame, but maybe there is in ceasing production of fucks to give! What about for you? In what ways is vulnerability the gateway to healing and connection, for you?
If you are interested in the journey so far — all the days that came before, I’ve collected all the article links here: