IT'S HARD DOING SATIRE OF SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE SATIRE
I'm the Guy Selling You Woke-Free Beer
It's the American Way!
Hello, woke-free friends! I'm here to announce the product you have been waiting for. Given the media whirlwind we have caused, you probably already heard about it, but I'm still going to give you the full presentation because I like to listen to the sound of my own voice.
My cousin, the podcaster, and I spend hours working on an ad that looks suspiciously like an SNL skit, so I hope you like it.
You see, America's been drinking beer from a company that doesn't even know which restroom to use. As we all know, corporations are people. People use restrooms. It's just that some beer companies are pissing in the wrong bathroom. See? My logic is undeniable.
That's why I created Conservative Dad's Ultra Right 100% Woke Free Beer. The name just rolls out of the tongue. Can I get a hooyah?
As conservatives, we are constantly getting hit in the face, left and right, by the woke mind virus, even though we secretly would prefer to be spanked. Shh, don't tell anyone. Every other virus is okay, mainly because they don't exist. Although, on second thought, all viruses come from China, so maybe…Okay, I'm going to need some time to think about it. I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
In the meantime, let me tell you that if you know which bathroom to use, not only does it mean that, like the rest of us, you got potty trained when you were 10, but you also know which beer you should be drinking.
The correct answer is my expensive beer that is being made in Northern Illinois by a contract brewery that is probably owned by the same company that makes Bud Light. So you should be giving your money to me instead of those woke corporations that hate our values and make beer cheaper and tastier than mine.
It's the American Way!
You'll get six beers for only $19.99, plus $33.33 for shipping and handling. It only has four ingredients: water, hops, barley, and yeast, although I have added a bit of my bullshit on every other can for lucky customers to find. Oh, did I mention it only has 110 calories? You'll be woke and carb free! No other company offers that.
I even made a website. It has pictures and stuff, and you can buy some of our merch. I promise it won't make you look like a certified white nationalist terrorist.
And to the rest of you woke corporations, stay the fuck away from our kids. Except for you, gun-manufacturing corporations. You are good. You can stay as close to our kids as you want. Everybody knows looking at a rainbow is far more dangerous to kids than a gun will ever be.
Ah! This beer tastes like freedom and piss, but even if it is ridiculously overpriced, you'll feel like you are totally owning the left-wingers. Isn't that worth it?
