THOUGHTS & MUSINGS

I’m Never Bored, Are You? Personal Ambition And Expectation

I’m always looking for ways to satisfy my creative side

Just this evening, I said to someone that I am never bored, and I don’t understand when people say they are. I am always busy.

Always.

This can be a pitfall, especially when I push myself unnecessarily, but I can still not picture myself sitting in a chair, doing nothing and saying I am bored.

I’m filled with ambition

I have always been an ambitious person, coming up with projects and wanting to turn them into a success. But, I don’t apply my ambition only to my own projects.

When I decide to join someone else’s projects, I work hard to support those. I have been a meme owner for over ten years, and know how much work goes into running a meme. That’s why I do my best to support others too, but not to the point where I push myself to write for every meme out there, or join in every project my friends come up with. I used to do that, and it almost burned me out. And honestly, you shouldn’t allow a hobby to burn you out, right?!

Another place where my ambition shines through is in my paid job. I always do my work to the best of my ability, and have done that from the very day I started working back in 1985 (gosh, I’m old). I became a manager by accident, as it has never been my ambition, and remained it for about 12 years. That stopped in 2018, because of my mental health, and now my only ambition at work is to succeed in what I do. And… I do!

Longest running project

During my lifetime, I have started and ended many projects. None of them stopped because I failed at them, but simply because I have reached my set goals and moved on to the next thing.

Here I think of the time I wanted to learn how to design my own clothes, and drew patterns using my own measurements. I did that through a homeschooling course and stopped when I reached my goal: designing and drawing the pattern of my first wedding dress.

My then-mother-in-law made the dress, which inspired my next project: making my own clothes. I guess this was a combination of two projects, which stopped when I moved to a new town; a new job.

There were many others, and in January 2010 my blog became the newest project — a place to share my erotic stories. It went from that, to sharing things about my life, about mental health, about everything. I first identified as a sex blogger, but moved on to call myself a lifestyle blogger, as I blogged about life, which included, but wasn’t limited to, erotic things.

Going for almost 12+ years now, this definitely is my longest running project.

I had ambitious plans

From about the third or fourth year of Rebel’s Notes, I dreamed about making a living from writing. I wanted to grow that space to be a go-to place for advertisers; wanted to have my stories published in anthologies, and be paid big bucks for it; wanted my book published.

I dreamed of getting rich through my blog, my book, my writing.

My dreams were big; the shattering of my illusions was even bigger.

Abandoned ambition

I came across this quote:

We can each define ambition and progress for ourselves. The goal is to work toward a world where expectations are not set by the stereotypes that hold us back, but by our personal passion, talents and interests. ~ Sheryl Sandberg

In those first seven or eight years of the blog, I had big dreams. Then, with my illusions shattered, I wanted to write a post about not focusing on earning money anymore, but keeping this blog as a hobby. (Disclaimer: I know, with the amount of work I had put into my website, the number of hours I write, this can hardly still be called a ‘hobby’.)

I want to be painfully honest here: those dreams about making money with Rebel’s Notes started because of seeing others doing it; advocating it; preaching it; promoting it as the only true way.

About four years ago, the thought crossed my mind: if my website becomes the way of making money to live, then it turns it into work.

I asked myself: do I want it to become work?

The answer was almost instantaneous: no!

I returned to myself

Turning my writing into work would’ve kill my creativity. Just like anyone else, I love making a penny here or there. I just never want that to be my ultimate goal.

No, my goal is to create; to write.

That’s what makes me happy.

It’s only now I’m finally ready to admit this to the world, even though it’s been years since I had this revelation.

All those years before, I had been following the expectations set by stereotypes. Admitting I wanted something else than them… I couldn’t do it, because I feared the backlash.

Thing is, back then, I had totally forgotten about my personal passion; forgot to define my own ambition.

Simply said, I forgot to be true to myself.

It took a long time to break away. I was tired of trying to fit the image of what others thought I should be.

I reevaluated.

A lot of introspection took place.

I redefined my ambitions.

Returned to my personal passion, talents and interests. I returned to myself, and when I realized exactly what I wanted, I rebranded my space from sex to lifestyle blog.

It became my place again.

They say ‘never say never’, but this I dare to say: I will never follow the crowd again, but always do things my way!

This might be one of the most important lessons I have learned in the past two years, and I am still learning.

My newest projects

I have recently announced that both my memes will stop at the end of 2022. It was time. They have run their course.

Of course, that frees up my time for new projects, but I don’t want to take up as much again. I want my life to be more balanced.

Something I started at the beginning of the year is bullet journaling, and I enjoy that so much that I think I will continue for a long time coming.

Last week, I went to the zoo all by myself for the very first time. Now this might not seem like a big deal to some, but to me it is, as I never do something only for myself. So, I see this as a new project. I have a subscription now, and have set myself the goal to go at least once a month. And there will be pictures to share!

Then there’s my magazine on Medium — Serial Stories. At first, this was a place to share the story about a friend of mine who died of AIDS, but I have now opened it up to others. If you have a story of five chapters or more, then please check the submission guidelines!

Always busy

Yes, I am busy always, and I just don’t know how not to be. If I’m not writing, I’m reading. Or drawing. Or doing laundry. Or working in the garden. And many times I do ALL of those things on the same day.

I just can’t sit still, and I am never bored!

How about you?

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