THOUGHTS & MUSINGS

Giving Myself A Much Needed Break

Simplifying my life to create more space to breathe

In a previous article where I wrote about being happy with what you have, I mention all the changes happening in our house during my May vacation time, and what it means to me.

Feeling overwhelmed

I have always been resilient and blessed with a healthy dose of perseverance. But I am also a perfectionist, with the tendency of pushing myself too hard. Add to that when I make a commitment, I really go for it, to the point where it can look like an addiction to the outside world, but I don’t view it the same.

Let’s rephrase that: I didn’t view it the same.

My husband’s health problems started in March 2021 when he had a stroke. Those first months were hard, as I worked full days, but also had to accompany him to all his appointments. Juggling work and care was hard. Then, in July 2021, at the advice of a coach and agreement of my employer, I cut back on my working hours.

This helped.

For a while.

By November 2021, I admitted I felt overwhelmed. Where before I could handle all I do, and find time to relax, I now couldn’t anymore.

I knew something, or some things, needed to go.

Months of thinking

I only started on Medium roundabout the time my husband had his stroke, and at first I thought I should stop with that, but I didn’t want to. I was and still am enjoying the journey here too much, and have written more new fiction for Medium than I had for my blog in the two years before that!

I don’t take decisions lightly, especially not if it means I might have to give up on things I am dedicated to, especially not when other people rely on them. I looked at my life and my ‘extra-curricular’ activities really hard. I was still only working 50% of my hours, but I wanted (and am) to get back to 100% after my holiday in May.

That was the deadline I gave myself: by the beginning of my vacation time, I needed to have a plan.

And a plan I had, although I didn’t make all decisions before my holiday started.

Changes made, and changes to come

I figuratively threw all on one pile and then one by one took an item, looked at it from all sides, and decided on how I wanted to continue. To me, this process was just as essential as taking ownership of our house and finally standing in my designated place.

Changes made and soon to come are:

• After my holiday, I will return to working 100% which is 34 hours a week — for now 1 day in the office, 3 at home, but eventually 50/50 at home and in the office;
• Since February, a cleaner comes in for three hours every other week. This has tremendously lightened the burden of keeping the household running mainly by myself;
• I contemplated stopping with my blog, Rebel’s Notes, but am not ready to part with it, and don’t know if I ever will be;
• Thinking of my blog brought forth thoughts of two memes I manage — Wicked Wednesday and The Menopause Diaries. I paused the latter at the end of February 2022, needing to think about how to continue. But, I also had to think about the first. The decision to stop with these memes at the end of 2022 was a difficult one, but I am content with it;
• I’m definitely continuing with Blogable and the Fiction Marathon together with May More;
• My writing on Medium will continue too, and there will be an overlap between my blog and Medium, the same there already is;
• I spend lots of time reading the work of others and commenting, both on blogs and here on Medium. To preserve my energy levels and stop pushing myself so hard, I need to make choices. My priority will go to those who take the time to comment on my work. I will read their work and comment. If I have time and energy left, I will continue to read those who have only highlighted/liked my work. I’ve always pushed myself hard to read and comment on everyone I follow, but that was part of what totally overwhelmed me. I know now my time and energy are as valuable as that of others.

Realizations and understandings

For years, I have worked hard to establish my blog, to gain an audience for my writing, and to give others a platform (memes) to showcase their work. I am proud of what I have built, and how many people I have supported along the way.

However, it’s time to give myself a break.

Like a friend commented on a recent blog post:

the community and its growth is not your responsibility

And you know what?

She’s right.

I now understand I have been pushing myself hard for years. I’ve hidden emotions and pain behind being busy; behind having to do this, and having to do that. Always busy-busy-busy.

I need things to be simpler; to have fewer irons in the fire. Simplifying my life will give me more room to breathe; to process and heal.

I’m ready to take a step back; to retreat into the shadows.

To discover the true me behind all those layers.

I yearn for a simpler life.

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