FROM MY LIFE
Be Happy With What You Have
My mom’s words — once directed at herself — echoed in my mind
In Housing & Compromises, I mentioned how my parents were like nomads, and we never lived in one place for more than 4 years.
In all of her adult life, my mom frequently moved. Three years before her passing in 2017, she moved to a flat within walking distance from where we live. I loved that flat — it’s the perfect size for me and my husband.
However, this article is not about wanting to move.
I remembered my mom’s words
After the previous article, and while busy going through boxes with my mom’s stuff, I remembered something my mom had said.
I think it was when she had lived in that flat for about a year and a half, maybe two years, when she started complaining. After all the hard work she had done and the money she had spent to make the flat to her liking, she then had complaints about the kitchen being too small, the shower in the bathroom, and people being too nosey.
I recognized the signs.
She was ready to move again.
The first time she voiced her complaints, I listened. Probably the second and third times too. I suggested things she could do to improve the things she was unhappy about.
By the fifth or sixth time, I changed the subject.
She stopped complaining, but the thoughts were still on her mind. Her restlessness betrayed her. It must’ve been two months later that out of the blue she said:
“I’ve decided I should stop moaning and be happy with what I have.”
Those were the words I thought of while deciding which of mom’s stuff I want to keep.
We are privileged
It was like mom was whispering advice from her grave.
Those words went round and round in my head, and made me think of all we have — a roof over our heads, food on the table, clothes, beautiful stuff. Twice a week, we go to our hangout, have a few drinks and eat dinner. We both have good jobs. In the health department, we currently have some complaints, but we both have good medical care.
I never forget our privilege, but I needed to acknowledge it to myself. Needed to say it out loud; to really hear it.
That was when I adopted my mom’s words as my own:
I should stop complaining and be happy with what I have.
There was just one small problem with that statement: the happy part.
That sparked another train of thought — something I also discussed with my coach. She didn’t tell me what to do, but our talks helped, especially the one where she mentioned codependency for the first time.
Allowed to want; taking ownership
I needed to find happiness in the current situation, knowing it may take years before my husband is ready to move, if ever!
I read a lot about codependency, and looking back, I understood how in many (read: most) things I derived my happiness from keeping my husband happy.
Through coaching, I learned this goes back to my childhood days, where too early in life I had learned what I had to do not to call down my father’s scorn over me. I had always treaded on eggs around my father, and now was doing the same with my husband.
Not only him — everyone else — but that’s a story for a different time.
It wasn’t his doing, but came from inside me. From behaviour I had learned as a child.
I explained this to him, and even though he didn’t understand — he always said, and still says, I should just be myself — he promised to think about what I said, and try to understand.
Bless him!
I learned I may want.
Want something for myself.
I also concluded I need space.
Physical space to create mental space.
And then it hit me: I needed to take ownership of the house. I wanted to make it mine. To change the things irritating me, and make it feel like mine.
Not a compromise
I had a 3-week break coming up for the middle three weeks of May, and where I wanted to be away from home for at least a long weekend, even if I had to go all by myself, I knew it wasn’t in the cards.
Imagine my surprise when I told my husband about the changes I wanted and not only did he agree, but he added more things which I totally approved of. Not because I wanted to make him happy, but it complemented what I wanted to do. It would help to create the space and structure I need.
Our conversation — even though he didn’t say it — made it clear he had thought about what I had said about codependency and my need to truly be myself.
We made a long list of things that should happen in my holiday weeks, and as I’m writing this, we have already done this:
- Had the mess in the garden cleaned up, and new plants put in;
- Moved my desk from downstairs to a room, which will become my space to work, to draw, or just retreat to when I need downtime;
- Had the doors on the upstairs landing painted, something my husband never saw as a priority as ‘no one ever sees them’, but seriously, they looked horrible;
- Took everything out of the ‘clutter room’ and disposed of it, and soon I will order two new cupboards for the room;
- Had one of our couches (we barely ever used it) collected by the secondhand store, and I finally ordered a recliner for myself, something I had wanted for years;
- Threw out clothes we didn’t wear, as well as bedding and towels we didn’t use, and dumped it in the proper places so it can go to those who need it.
Taking ownership of the house, making it mine — ours — has totally changed my mindset. All the decluttering has created mental space too.
Is this a compromise, changing things for the long-term?
Some might see it as such, but it doesn’t feel so.
My husband knows I still have the desire to move to a flat, but he also understood I needed to change things here, to finally be the lady of the house.
Even though I still have a lot to clean up, and we’re waiting for the delivery of my recliner and the cupboards, I feel more content and happy about our house than I have in years!
And… a change is as good as a holiday, right?!
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