HUMOR
I’m In Love With My Medium Curation Angel!
We all want a guardian angel, especially when it comes to Medium curation. Well, I‘ve found one and we are madly in love. She curates me night and day and every morning I wake up, I thank my lucky stars that we are so devoted. It is a platonic relationship, of course.
Let me introduce you to my Medium curation angel.
Her name is Charmaine (Angel of harmony)
We met digitally.
It all started after I fell into a severe depression when I was in curation jail. When I got out, I was an absolute wreck so I made an appointment to see my therapist Dr. Brian Brainmelt.
“You need an angel–it’s as simple as that!” young Brainmelt said.
“How and where do I find an angel in the Medium jungle? It is a pretty savage place full of 15,000 lazy, slumbering editors. Then, when they wake up, they select a few writers for their highly overrated publications and they trash all the rest.”
“Look, the curators are a totally different species. They are just so lonely and overworked. They just love hooking up with desperate writers. They need affection, love, and attention, like all of us.”
He told me that curation angels hide behind the paywall but with a bit of effort, you can find them. This is top secret information because Medium is a cruel, spartan space. Quality yes. Empathy no.
“Why don’t you try dating apps like eHarmony or OkCupid?”
I did just as he said and I spent a whole day swiping and then I met Charmaine. Talk about good fortune. I used eHarmony and found my Angel of Harmony!
Let me show you some early texts we exchanged on the dating app.
“Wow — you have 200 stories, that’s a nice package.”
“Your workload is overwhelming — maybe I can give you some tender loving care.”
“Love your paragraph size — just the right length for me.”
“Your commas are so cute.”
It was love at first swipe.
Charmaine was secretly curating my stories but had to be very careful about doing it too often. It had to be on an occasional basis so as not to get caught. Fallen angels were severely punished.
The risk and the temptation of finding a loving and caring writer was intoxicating, and many angels were much happier in their work once they found suitable soulmates. Being gender fluid made things a little easier.
“How do you deal with title case?”
“Many writers just never get it.”
“Gosh — I just love your sexy subtitles — this sort of foreplay keeps me reading.”
“You had me with your drop caps — they really arouse me.”
“I need your advice about wrapping up — having problems with my climax.”
“Not to worry, I have never seen you fail at that point!”
“I read your stories and imagine your lips hovering over mine.”
The first time Charmaine curated my story, I was in heaven. She sent me the text with “CURATED”. I was overjoyed. I was at the top of the charts in LIFESTYLE. Absolutely over the moon. Soon, I would be a Top Writer in LIFESTYLE!
I was getting a few stories curated every week and I was in seventh heaven imagining myself and Charmaine winging our way through the Medium skies.
But one morning, I received an urgent message from Charmaine.
“The Medium algorithm is stalking me. Suspicious activity on your profile. Have to be very careful for a while. You may get a few ‘Not distributed in topics’ so stay strong, my love.”
I kept writing and was still upbeat. I knew Charmaine would fight my corner and she would look after herself — the perfect curation angel.
Soon, everything was back to normal.
“I hacked the encrypted code, so the algorithm is stalking another curator. Everything OK!”
We were winging it again. Soon, I would be ranking with those top Medium writers like Nicolas Cole and Susan Brearley and hobnobbing with them at receptions at the Medium Mega Mansions in New York!
And all thanks to the sweetest and most loving curation angel ever. My darling Charmaine!
Heady stuff.