SATIRE
Writers Panic As Amazon Buys Medium
Have you heard the news? Hot off the press.
Amazon has just bought Medium, lock, stock, and barrel!
It appears that the owners of Medium got tired of all the criticism from their writers, editors of publications (these have mushroomed to 15,000 in 2020).
Mr. Jeff Beelzebub, CEO of the new merger called “Amazon Medium Scribes” (AMS) made the following statement to the world’s press this morning.
“I am happy and proud to inform you that we bought Medium today for $2 billion and we are looking forward to giving writers even more opportunities to develop their writing skills while producing an ever-increasing number of stories on our platform. Writers’ profiles will remain intact- thus giving them massive exposure.”
It appears that Medium writers will be given flex-time and allowed to work from home. Big deal!
However, new working and payment conditions have alarmed Medium writers worldwide. There have been bloody protests in major cities as Medium writers have taken to the streets.
Some protesters have been jailed. Nothing new there as many have already served long sentences in Medium’s notorious “Curation Jails.”
It looks as if we are in for a rough ride.
Placards read:-
“PENS DOWN — STRESS UP.”
“HAVE YOUR PAYWALL BUT MY GRANDMA WILL TEAR IT DOWN.”
“WHO WRITES THE WORLD? — MEDIUM WRITERS DO”
“MEDIUM WRITERS DEMAND EQUALITY, RESPECT & JUSTICE”
Here is a brief summary of the new working conditions with our commentary:-
1. Medium writers are assigned stories — they cannot write their own!
2. Writers are “awarded” stories on a first-come-first-served basis.
3. No time zones — there is only the UAZ (Universal Amazon Zone). Secret algorithm. So, writers may be too late or too early to apply. Many writers stay up all night to catch the worm. 90% are failing.
4. Writers may not change the headlines they have been set. Amazon says this is a great relief for writers who usually spent hours and hours analyzing and dissecting headlines.
5. Writers are paid a flat fee of $2.50 cents if the story is accepted by the editors. There are no daily earnings. The fee is paid once, and that’s it. Writers give up copyright rights.
6. These stories are sold on the Amazon Medium Scribes platform — average price is $55 for each story. Buyers are allowed to republish these stories themselves and can edit them as they choose. They also own the copyright once they purchase.
However, the author’s name and profile must be included every time the story is re-published.
7. In order to get paid, writers have to submit 10 stories (no payment for these) within 7 days. If they miss the deadline, they cannot reapply (at least in this life.)
8. No health insurance. Many writers have RSI (Repetitive Strain Injury) but Amazon will not cover it as this is part and parcel of the job.
9. No pension scheme either. Writers are expected to apply to private pension companies.
10. Writers are monitored while working. Bathroom breaks are allowed but the time limit is a maximum of 3 minutes. All writers have to log in at AMS before starting to write so their work is closely monitored. Webcams are obligatory and are provided by Amazon at a cost of $50. This is deducted from the writers’ first paycheck.
Jeff Beelzebub was interviewed at the World Publications Forum which is being held in Ulan Bator in Mongolia.
“We are very happy that Medium writers will finally have a chance to advance their writing careers while being paid a decent wage.” — Jeff Beelzebub (aka Satan)
Medium writers are preparing for a long battle. They are furious that their monthly bonuses are no longer in their contracts. Temporary writers are also allowed to apply thus increasing the competition for established Medium writers.
The Medium Writers Union (MWU) is organizing sit-ins, blocking road junctions and even hunger strikes.
“But life is a battle: may we all be enabled to fight it well!” ― Charlotte Brontë, The Letters of Charlotte Brontë.
See other fallout from this story as Medium outrage sweeps the world..
