If You Don’t Lead, She’ll Find Someone Else Who Can
Don’t wait until it’s too late because she won’t come back
Eventually, she may leave physically or emotionally if you fail to lead the relationship.
Life is subtly testing your ability to be a leader. When you become distracted, that is when you fail.
Staying on course is a defining feature of masculinity. Therefore, how do we identify and correct ourselves as men in (and out of) a relationship?
A serious relationship doesn’t work when you (and her) are acting like children
I have often hid from from my problems. It makes me feel weak and incapable, which leads to self-loathing.
When I was coping, I felt like a child living in an adult’s body.
I wasn’t accomplishing what was right for me. At 27, my solution was a relationship. I thought if I had one, I could at last feel like a man.
In 2018, I met a 23-year-old college graduate. For a while, our relationship was fine.
I took charge of dating her. I proposed and asked her to move in with me. I let stupid shit get in the way of our relationship. Eventually, she got sick of it and left.
In relationships, it’s common to get lost in the noise.
We fail the people we love most and we regret our choices. The worst part is we typically default to taking on the identity of a loser.
As men, our role is to lead the relationship. You can’t be a leader of a relationship when you get easily distracted by your emotions or life circumstances.
In my case, we sometimes swapped roles, or often neither of us was taking charge of our relationship.
Our relationship became toxic, stagnant, and filled with resentment.
You can’t force or seek masculinity, it’s what you are
Men attempt to compensate for their flaws using certain behaviors they consider “masculine”.
Masculinity is not:
- Excessive wealth and owning possessions
- Fancy job titles
- A beautiful spouse
These are distractions that guys chase that have become mainstream.
A masculine man does not seek validation.
However, most guys fall into a more mundane type of distraction. If you’re more of an “average” guy you probably spend most of your time working, consuming content, drinking, or involving yourself in a hobby.
You might have a pet (or two).
Even the relationship itself can distract you. She’ll test you (unconsciously), or something will arise that tests your ability to remain grounded. I had to learn the hard way.
Your distractions will be whatever you overreact to, or what you are drawn to despite the terrible feeling paired with it.
There were two tests that I often failed (your life lessons may vary): boundary setting and recognizing my triggers.
You have to set boundaries with her — things you can and cannot tolerate. This doesn’t mean be a control freak, she can do what she wants. However, you’re free to remove yourself from the situation if she can’t compromise.
If the two of you don’t agree to boundaries, you’ll end up overreacting to transgressions. Overreacting is a clear sign you’re not a stable leader.
It’s not attractive. People resent leaders who cannot be the foundation for something strong and positive. It’s why the worst leaders micromanage and control their people.
Even if you have failed many times it’s not too late to grow
You can grow, but only if you desire it.
I’ve dated several women post-breakup. I pay close attention to what they say about themselves and past lovers. You’ll learn a lot about someone when you read between the lines.
It’s free information on what not to do.
Besides this, I’ve had to have honest discussions with myself.
- What is it that I want in life?
- What would my ideal relationship look like?
- What is my type of woman, and how would she fit in my life?
I had to take ownership of my mistakes. You cannot grow when you don’t acknowledge and accept your flaws.
I couldn’t quit either. One failure doesn’t mean it’s time to throw in the towel.
As far as my goals were concerned: things that don’t move me closer are limited or removed entirely. I don’t have a lot of time for entertainment, drinking, or anxiety.
Anything that isn’t progressing you in that goal needs limits.
Cut out the distractions and get back to what’s important
Change is inevitable. Growth is optional… If you want to change and grow, then you must know yourself and accept who you are before you can start building.— John C. Maxwell
Get back to what is authentic to you.
For example, if you want to be a better listener, you can’t dominate a conversation and then complain. Shut your mouth and listen. Seek to understand.
If your relationship isn’t working, find out what you’re doing wrong.
NOT your partner. Don’t blame her — for women too, stop blaming the men you date.
The relationship can be a distraction.
In the lead-up to our breakup, we were too focused on returning to “happiness”. Our problem wasn’t happiness. We didn’t communicate and had close to zero boundaries with each other.
Fake solutions are tests and distractions.
Look back at the things that distracted you from your relationship goals and use that data to improve. Find out what is important.
Identify the left turns:
- People
- Emotions
- Thoughts (often the worst offenders)
Remember, stay present as much as possible if you wish to avoid distractions. She needs you to be present.
Before you find yourself in a relationship, consider downloading my free PDF of 8 red flags that I have compiled over the last year.
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