If I Ever Open A Dating App Again, This Is What I’ll Do Differently
Instead of trying to find The One, focus more on having fun
Many people open dating apps in the hopes of finding meaningful encounters. Some desperately search for The One or for a relationship. Why can the focus of the search not be the right one(s), a new friend, or simply someone you can share a nice experience with?
Interpret this how you want. This nice experience can mean a real conversation with depth about a topic you’re both interested in. Or exchanging swear words in your native language for fun. It can mean grabbing a Späti Bier and having a walk around the Kiez. A good time can also mean getting down and dirty beneath the sheets. It depends on what you’re looking for.
The last time I was swiping away on a dating app, I wasn’t looking for anything in particular. Just checking out the market. But that’s where it starts and how things escalate.
I started talking with someone. A few months in, we called off whatever was going on there. Out of sheer frustration, I deleted the entire dating app. I needed a break. I couldn’t be less interested in talking to people who might not be, and are probably not what they seem to be.
In the end, it’s all marketing on these apps anyway. Showcasing yourself from your best angles. Writing in a way that appeals to potentials.
How honest are we all there, really?
The number one mistake I made on a dating app
I focused my efforts and attention on one person and stopped paying attention to anyone else. But as long as you haven’t confirmed that you’re on the same page, why do this?
Online dating coaches scream this all the time. I have mixed feelings about this. Date more than one person at any time. Otherwise, you’re at risk of obsessing over just them. You can get needy or “waste time” investing in the wrong person when you could be getting to know someone else.
Either way: efforts from your side should be reciprocated. If they’re not, you’d better move on.
Try a different approach when using dating apps
As of now, I will live by this new set of rules if I ever hop onto those dating apps again. You can also call this section “the benefits of talking to strangers on an online dating app.”
- Have no expectations. Do not expect a single thing. Not from anyone. Expectations ruin the moment anyway.
- Be outcome-independent. It puts too much pressure on every interaction. You run the risk of projection your desires on the first person you come across.
- Practice small talk. Learn to talk to a wide variety of people.
- Grow thicker skin. Callous the mind, as David Goggins would say. Or, in this case, callous your ego. People will unmatch you for no reason, just when you thought the conversation was flowing nicely. The occasional a-hole may write in all caps or crap on that typo you made. It’s all part of the game.
- Brush up on your foreign language skills. It’s cheaper than a language tutor. You may get lucky and find a tandem buddy in your target language.
- Exploit it for a creative endeavor. For example, practice your short-form poetry skills and write each match a personalized poem based on the information in their profile. Or open the conversation by sending images of matches photoshopped into movie and TV scenes.
- If meetups occur, don’t stretch them. Limit the time spent to half an hour, an hour max. If it was nice, it’ll leave both parties hungry for more. If not, there’s little time wasted. Leave before you reach the peak.
- If a meetup sucks? Get the heck out. Same reasons as above.
- Do something both parties have never done before. For example, actually meet up in that dinosaur suit. Even if you never meet each other again, you’ll have a — hopefully — pleasant experience to look back to.
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