A SHOW ABOUT EVERYTHING

If I Became a Standup Comedian, According to My Mom

I’m the only comedian on the planet who doesn’t know how to bomb

I’m the richest comedian in the world and my net worth is $952 million, which is $2 higher than the net worth of Jerry Seinfeld.

I tweet an intelligent joke that takes a dig at Elon Musk’s enemies in the world, which is literally everyone. Elon sees my tweet, retweets it, and wholeheartedly gifts me all his companies — Twitter, SpaceX, Tesla, Inc., and The Boring Company for being so funny and supportive simultaneously.

To give equality to everyone, my mom prompts me to give everyone a blue tick free of cost — including Elon Musk.

I’m the only comedian on the planet who doesn’t laugh at my own jokes while performing.

I’m the only comedian on the planet who doesn’t know how to bomb on stage.

I write a minimum of 1523958 one-liners a week. I tweet them and all of them instantly go viral — not because I OWN Twitter.

My stupendous yet well-deserved success in standup comedy translates directly to massive acting opportunities. I’m presented with an opportunity to create my own sitcom called Srini with NBC.

My sitcom Srini, which is a show about everything, runs for 37 seasons and 3700 episodes, gets nominated for 3468 Emmys, and wins 3478 Emmys, which makes everyone forget the sitcom called Seinfeld.

I make a supremely funny observational joke about Ukraine on my Russia Tour, making Putin laugh for thirty-sixty minutes straight. Putin wholeheartedly decides to stop bombing Ukraine, and withdraw his troops from Ukraine.

I make the best deadpan joke about Putin on my Ukraine tour, which makes Ukrainians forgive Putin for all his sins because I want nothing but a peaceful world.

Following my mom’s sage advice, I push my luck by texting an ingenious joke about Joe Biden to Putin. Impressed Putin becomes best friends with Joe, which leads to their tremendous streak of 455 days on Snapchat. (What were you thinking, Mom?)

I marry my childhood and adulthood crush, Emma Watson, only because she’s also my mom’s favorite actress. I teach her comedy and she becomes the number one female comedian in the world. (It’s a real shame your other favorite actress Audrey Hepburn isn’t alive, Mom.)

Now that Elon is completely out of the picture, the entire planet is grateful to me. But Mars is not exactly happy.

My girl Emma introduces me to Greta Thunberg who begs me to solve global warming issues with my stardom. Greta tells me all her evil plans to kill the climate change problems.

I don’t listen to Greta because my mom asks me not to. Instead, my mom advises me to make a sitcom called Greta Who which is a show about ending the global warming problems once and for all. (For the record, I always liked Greta, Mom. You’re jealous of The Great Greta, aren’t you?)

After Greta Who runs for 2 seasons and 12 episodes, global warming is eradicated without a trace. Leonardo DiCaprio is not exactly happy.

I’m in a happy place so I become an ardent feminist at Emma’s insistence — the world’s biggest feminist.

Emma asks me to write a sitcom based on feminism to build more awareness but I politely refuse. Because my mom reckons that her sitcom idea won’t be a success by any stretch of the imagination. (How could you make me say no to my Emma, Mom?)

In the midst of cruel incidents, I furiously tweet “James Corden is NOT funny!!” which receives 12 billion retweets. Because Twitter is now also on Mars which is being run by Elon. After watching Elon do standup on Mars — which I taught him — aliens love him to death. So every alien gets a blue tick free of cost.

Jerry Seinfeld is so inspired by my eminent sitcoms Srini and Greta Who that he decides to write another sitcom that people won’t forget this time.

Jerry fails again, this time miserably. NBC cancels his show right after the pilot. Jerry is not exactly happy. (Are you happy, Mom?)

I appear on the covers of Time, Vogue, The Guardian, The New York Times, and The New Yorker even though I tell them I hate to be in the spotlight. Yet, I appear more frequently than I update my Twitter profile picture.

I decide to die peacefully at four hundred and sixty-three years old, doing one last standup at Wembley Arena. In front of the emotional and monumental crowd, my final words are “I am so grateful my mom insisted I pursue comedy. She said that comedy unifies people through laughter and laughter makes people live longer than usual.”

As my heart stops beating, to honor me, everyone at the arena laughs boisterously even when they should be crying — exactly like I asked them to.

Wouldn’t you rather be laughing? Follow MuddyUm and Srini

A special thanks to the sweethearts Amy Sea and Stephanie Wilson for their masterful suggestions and editing.

Falling in love with Srini? Read these to forget him for good: