Life After Divorce

I Would Rather Flick a Hungry Lion’s Balls Wearing a Pair of Pork Chop Panties Before I Would Get Back with You

Yet, here he was, trying to ease back into her life

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better I do better.” –Maya Angelou

A Destructive Divorce

Twenty-one years ago, a friend of mine had a destructive divorce. She caught her husband cheating. After the divorce, she minimized contact with him even when he picked their children up for his visits.

Their youngest daughter is getting married to a wonderful young man. The parents are splitting the cost to give their daughter the wedding of her dreams. Today we are meeting to review their wedding plans. The daughter and her fiancé will present their ideas and costs. I was there because we might have the pre-rehearsal dinner drinks at my home.

Years ago, this man was a cheating jerk. Back then, he would never split the cost with his ex-wife on anything regarding their children. He has changed. He is talking to his ex-wife well inside her personal space. She was digging it. Her eyes were sparkling, and her smile was genuine. This won’t do. He was casting the spell which attracted her to him in the first place.

Still A Charmer

I must admit, the man remains a charmer. His primary qualities are he is good-looking, intelligent, kind, a decent father, and a cheater. It broke her when their relationship fell apart, sending her into a severe depression. He had two families: his wife and the other woman.

He brought the other woman a house, the wife and kids lived in an apartment.

The other woman had a brand-new luxury vehicle, the wife was driving an older minivan.

By the time his spouse found out what he was doing, the other woman was enjoying most of his evenings and some holidays.

Once he divorced, his wife took him for as much as she could get. The legal proceedings significantly reduced his assets and forced the sale of various items to cover the settlement. The other woman did not want him after he lost the capacity to care for her in the way she had become accustomed to living. She dropped him like he was hot less than a year after they completed his divorce.

Today, he seems he is no longer the arrogant narcissist we remembered. I had to go to work. Perhaps the bro deserved another chance, but not today. Today was not the day he started leveraging himself back into his ex-wife's life.

Giving Her the Signal

I started by catching my friend’s eye and giving her the “Oh, look at him now,” signal. A group of us double-dated a lot before we married to meet each other’s boyfriends. We had subtle signals for men we liked and those we did not care for. An example is, if we double-sipped our drink twice, it meant, “He is a jerk. Let’s go.” We had gestures that allowed us to communicate without causing unintended chaos.

I raised my eyebrows and waved my left hand. I quickly looked left, then right. I repeated it to make sure she saw me. She laughed, as did I. Her ex-husband looked around to see what we were laughing at — it was him. We were laughing heartily at our perception of him. She excused herself. The spell was broken.

My next move was to be overly polite to him, reminding her we did not like him. I showed him where to sit and asked if he wanted something to drink. He did. I got him a gin and tonic. I did this so my friend would not have to.

The daughter and her fiancée arrived. We began the review. There were differences of opinion as the plans and costs were reviewed. For the most part, it was a pleasant and productive meeting.

No Mas

At the end of the meeting, the ex-husband invited the ex-wife out for a drink. I turned my back to them and pretended my attention was elsewhere, but I was listening. She told him, “No.” He explained it would just be a drink for old time’s sake.

She wavered, but then she said, “Do you remember what I told you? It is still true. Although there are no lions here, I’m not wearing a pair of meat panties. None of my panties are in your future. We are co-parents to our daughter and that is all.” She walked away from him.

Although there are no lions here, I’m not wearing a pair of meat panties. None of my panties are in your future. We are co-parents to our daughter and that is all.” She walked away from him.

I felt relieved. I asked if she was ready to leave. We walked out together. Once we got to my car, she sobbed. I don’t know if it was from relief or the shock of seeing him. I felt good she had not gone with him. She said, “I still love him.” I said nothing because there was nothing I could say.

I drove us to a beach bar. We spent the next three hours sipping multiple martinis, watching the surf and the people. We sat there in silence keeping our thoughts to ourselves.

My husband came and picked us up when I called him. We were both high and guaranteed a great night’s sleep by then. Life is such a bitch.

Toni Crowe retired as the Vice President of Operations to pursue her dream of being a writer. Toni has written six books, two of which won the 2019 Reader’s Choice Gold Awards. Her bestselling business book, “Bullets and Bosses Don’t Have Friends: How Do You Manage A Man Sitting With His Dick in His Hand?” was one of the winners. Her first book, “Never a $7 Whore” was the other.

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