RELATIONSHIPS
Never, I Tell You Never, Will You Hit This Again
I would rather flick a hungry lion’s balls wearing a pair of pork chop panties before I would ever get back with you
“I may be many things, and there are even more that I am not, but I would never do to you what you did to me, and I think that says a lot.” — RIB
I had the unfortunate luck to have a picnic lunch with a depressed friend when the cause of her depression saw us eating. Kathy was getting divorced after a thirty-plus-year marriage. She found her husband not only had multiple affairs but purchased a house for one of the women while keeping her and their two kids in an apartment. Kathy called herself “the clueless wife” because she had not a clue about her husband’s character.
Broken Hearted but Smart
She did not confront her spouse immediately when she discovered his betrayal. Instead, she slowly drained their bank account of cash. She removed him as the beneficiary of her work benefits, including life insurance. She redirected her work direct deposit to a newly established checking account. She brought herself a used car then informed her relatives what was going on. After she found an apartment, she left his cheating ass. He came home from work to find the wife, the kids, and a large portion of the furniture gone.
Unfortunately, she still loved him, so she fell into a months-long depression. She looked run-down. Her home was not up to her previous housekeeping standards. Since we were in COVID lockdown, no one could help her, except virtually, which was not working. She kept saying over and over how stupid she was. This went on for a long time.
Once we were both fully vaccinated, we met in a park to eat and talk. We were able to hug and speak without our masks. It was our bad luck that the fool she had divorced was also out and about.
Foolish Begging
This idiot comes and sits on the end of our bench to tell her he made a mistake. Really? For twenty years? I will give him credit: his rap was good. He told her he loved her; he was going to change; he was deeply sorry. I did not move but sat there and listened. I turned my head so she could not see my reaction to his pleas. I kept sneaking glances in her direction to ensure that I communicated my distaste for what he was doing. The dude was truly shameless.
I worried when he told her how badly he was doing without her. He needed her help to succeed. His money was gone, he was living alone in a dump, and he really, really needed her.
So, imagine my delight when she said, “Never, but never will you hit this again. I would rather cut off both my thumbs. I would rather be dragged down an interstate behind a car for twenty miles. I would rather flick a hungry lion’s balls wearing a pair of pork chop panties before I would ever, ever get back with you.” There were others, but I was laughing so hard I didn’t hear them.
So, imagine my delight when she said, “Never, but never will you hit this again. I would rather cut off both my thumbs. I would rather be dragged down an interstate behind a car for twenty miles. I would rather flick a hungry lion’s balls wearing a pair of pork chop panties before I would ever, ever get back with you.” There were others, but I was laughing so hard I didn’t hear them.
At this point, I start packing up our lunches; it was over. He tried a bit more then eventually left. I asked her if she felt any better, she said, “Absolutely, God meant me to run into him today with you by my side.” All I could say was “Bravo.”
After that encounter, she got better and started to care again. She needed closure. The last time I saw him was working at the drive-through of a fast-food restaurant. I pretended not to know him, and he pretended not to know me. I did not tell her I had seen him there.
Toni Crowe retired to pursue her dream of being a writer. Toni has written six books. Her bestselling business book, ‘Bullets and Bosses Don’t Have Friends’ won a Gold Readers Award.
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