I Was Suffering from Dater’s Burnout so I Took a Year-Long Dating Sabbatical

Here is what I learned

Last year I decided to take some time off dating. I never had much luck, not to mention the relationships/flings that stemmed from them were extremely toxic. It was getting to the point where all dates were met with cynicism because I was so tired of having the same fruitless conversations with people.

So I decided that it was time to finally concentrate on myself, my happiness and my career. The rules of engagement included; no dating apps, no dates and the ending of all half-romances/ friend with benefit situationships.

It has been over a year now and it turns out, this was one of the best decisions I could have made for myself, one I don’t think I will stop anytime soon.

Full disclosure — I still allowed myself to have sex with people but it was strictly no-strings-attached arrangements with people versus messy situationships. But more on that further down.

I am discovering a lot about myself

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder at the end of last year. BPD is a very broad diagnosis but is characterised by; unstable relationships with other people, unstable emotions and unstable sense of self. Following my diagnosis, I started realising the true reasons for my fluctuations in identity, personality, and even my opinions.

Of course, identity issues are not exclusive to those with BPD — everyone changes to some degree in different social contexts but in people like myself, the change is more profound.

Since getting my diagnosis, I have been making an active effort to discover new things about myself (something made easier by my dating sabbatical), whereas before I just ‘went with the flow’ and allowed myself to be swept away by every stimulus. For example, I moved away from home to give myself the chance to explore my identity without the influence or preconceived notions people held about me.

By putting myself first, I was able to say ‘no’ when, someone, I used to be intimate with, asked me to not leave the country.

I was pickier with sexual partners

Like I mentioned earlier, I wasn’t celibate. Quite a lot of people who take time off dating, also choose to become celibate but to put it bluntly, I didn’t want to be. Nor do I believe you need to be.

I instead chose to have sex with people in a strictly no-strings-attached arrangement versus messy situationships. The difference being, before all sexual encounters, we set out strict boundaries when it came to the rules of engagement. Only having intimate relations with people who understood my goal for the year. The end result was an open consensual sexual arrangement between adults. No feelings were hurt due to expectations being discussed before any sexual activity. And because I was specific about my wants and needs, I was in return pickier when it came to choosing a sexual partner.

By eliminating dating, I instead spent a lot of time getting to know my body. Learning my wants, needs, and desires to the point where I didn’t need to have sex (vibrators when used efficiently eliminate most needs). In the end, I only had sex a couple of times during the year, as and when I wanted to. Everything was on my terms and there were no hurt feelings.

I put the focus on my career aspirations

You don’t realise just how much time, effort and energy you put into dating until you finally stop. Putting a full stop into my dating life meant that I wasn’t using people as distractions from facing the day. I freed up a lot of my time which I poured into my work and while it may be early days, the investment is working out. For example, I have been commissioned by 5 major publications, I am making a small income from medium and I finally feel confident enough to call myself a writer.

I am not saying you need to be single to have success in your career, however, if you are like me, it can help reprioritise your wants and needs.

My thinking about romantic partners has changed

By choosing to be single, I feel powerful and confident. While I certainly thought I put myself first previously, this year has taught me that I really had no idea what I was doing. Before, I would approach every situation wondering ‘what if,’ giving my time to people that didn’t deserve it. Whereas now, I ask myself if something is worth my time pursuing. Often times it isn’t. I feel clearer and I know, when I do get around to dating once again, I will be a lot pickier and therefore have a better quality pool to fish in.

I am not lacking in love

Not having romantic partners hasn’t been as lonely as I feared because there is more than one type of love.

My year off has led me to prioritise the relationships I already had and the people who already loved me. My friendships are stronger and the love I have for myself has been a subtle drumbeat rising in crescendo. I decided to make romantic relations something to want, not need. By making my happiness my responsibility rather than expecting my life to change with the addition of someone new.

Her happiness was her responsibility and my happiness was my responsibility and we decided that we were going to find our individual internal, private joy and then we were going to present ourselves to the relationship and to each other, already happy. Not coming to each other, begging without empty cups out demanding that she fill my cups and demanding that she meet my needs. It’s unfair and it’s kind of unrealistic and can be destructive to place the responsibility for your happiness on anybody other than yourself.” — Will Smith

I feel like a lot of us are afraid to be lonely or alone with our own thoughts.

In a previous article, I highlighted how there is this belief that single women are bitter — which is added pressure. But what I want to say is, don’t wait for a partner to dictate your life’s path. Don’t wait for one so you can make memories and don’t wait for one to make you happy. You are worthy enough just as you are. Taking a break won’t ruin your chances of finding love but will make you a better vessel for it.

I am not saying I never feel lonely, I do. But those feelings aren’t bad and I have stopped seeing them as such. All feelings deserve to be recognised and explored.

Putting an obsessive concentration on romantic relationships was poisoning all life in my garden (I now know that my BPD was a factor in this). But I know for certain, when I have ended my dating sabbatical, my new way of thinking/being will mean a partnership, will only bring more life.

ZUVA is an award-winning Leeds based spoken word artist, poet and freelance writer. Click here to join her weekly mail list to get her — Comprehensive Guide for True Beginners — Things I Wish I Knew Before Publishing My First Piece. It contains over 16 articles by 12 different authors on everything you need to know before publishing your first piece here.

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