Data Shows Marriage is More Beneficial for Men

A critical examination of heterosexual marriages and happiness

I, like most people, have thought about my wedding day. I want a small destination wedding. I really want to wear a black or navy wedding dress and it will be the guests in all white. I am pretty sure I would go three-course meal versus a buffet.

However, this is as far as it goes with my thoughts. The actual marriage part lacks any attraction to me. Maybe it was growing up listening to Destiny’s Child or my father’s multiple divorces but I have never had much of a desire to get married. Because to me, it had always seemed something that solely benefited men.

Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support but why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same? — Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

I grew up in a very conservative African Christian household. From the age of eight, I was taught how to clean and manage a house. It was my responsibility to tend to my sibling’s needs. I would get them ready for school, stay with them weekends- all to the detriment of my social life. But I was never permitted the room to complain. Any caught scowls were answered with, ‘when you are married with kids you will thank me.’ My brothers — of course — weren’t required to do the same tasks as us because ‘they were men’ and doing things like housework was the role of a woman.

I have never been gender conforming. In my appearance, interests and hobbies, so growing up in such a gendered household only made me want to rebel against the norm even more.

As a queer woman, I actually don’t need a man

But last night I came across a tweet which basically insinuated that women who didn’t want to get married were ‘bitter singles’ who after meeting The Man would change their mindset. Looking at the responses quite a few people agreed- stating variations of the same point. With other people attributing feminism for the demise of marriage;

But not only is this statement extremely heteronormative — as a queer woman, I actually don’t need a man — but it is also extremely false.

Statistics show that unmarried childless women are the happiest in the population. They are also more likely to outlive their married child-rearing counterparts and are statistically healthier. While other research found that grieving husbands were more likely to die shortly after losing their wife, while widowed women carried on as normal. The researchers theorised that this was most likely because the men were underprepared. With the loss of their wife, they lost their caregiver. Now having no one to care for their emotional and physical needs.

Now, I am not saying all married people with children are miserable. I believe that for those who aspire to marriage, it can be a beautiful adventure for them. However this idea that all single childless women are ‘bitter’ is false. As someone who doesn’t even want children, I can assure you the single childless life does not scare me at all.

This belief that all women aspire to marriage and children is not only incredibly sexist but is also extremely dated. In reality- in heterosexual couples- two-thirds of divorces are initiated by women and contrary to popular belief, this trend is seen with older people too. With a recent AARP survey of, 1147 men and women aged 40–79 (who experienced a divorce in their 40s, 50s, or 60s) found that 66 per cent of women said they initiated the split.

Women may often play a paradoxical role: They work harder for a smaller share of the benefits — which may explain why, while they may often be more eager to get into a marriage, they are often also more eager to get out — Noam Shpancer PhD

Statistically speaking, heterosexual marriage benefits men more than it does women in terms of health, happiness and wealth. It is an unequal agreement in which women are expected to sacrifice their autonomy and goals. Yet it reduces men’s violence(due to having something to lose) and increases their efforts at work.

I am not anti-marriage. As society has progressed there has been an influx of people reestablishing and modernising marital roles and expectations. Marriage rates are dropping — with the ones who do tie the knot waiting longer before they do — but the divorce rate is also in decline. So surely millennials must be doing something right, right?

However, the older I get, the more people politicise my chosen singleness as a desperate and dire situation. When in reality I am happy as I am. Marriage is not a cornerstone of fulfilment and joy for women. Those of us who choose to not put it on a pedestal, are not lacking or miserable. Especially when data shows that it is more so for men than us.

If I get married, cool. If I don’t, sweet. Marriage is not the be-all and end-all for me, I’m sorry.

ZUVA is an award-winning Leeds based spoken word artist, poet and freelance writer. Click here to join her weekly mail list to get her — Comprehensive Guide for True Beginners — Things I Wish I Knew Before Publishing My First Piece. It contains over 16 articles by 12 different authors on everything you need to know before publishing your first piece here.

She is the editor of An Injustice! A intersectional millennial publication. Check here for now to join!