I Walked Away From My Dream of Financial Independence

It’s been a great run but I need more stability; tips for when it’s time to give up on your dream

“They” say everybody wants freedom. But what is freedom? How do you define it for your life? And what does it take to have it and keep it?

The secret to happiness is freedom and the secret to freedom is courage.” — Thucydides

Ok, now we’re getting somewhere. In order to find freedom, we have to risk something. We wouldn’t need courage unless risk was involved.

I recently took a risk and jumped back into full-time work. It’s something I thought I’d never do. I had finished (or so I thought) that part of my life burnt out and gun-shy. I didn’t want to work for “the man,” get caught up in corporate rigamarole or risk losing the flexibility I have in my life.

Then COVID hit and all bets were off. My life changed drastically when my husband contracted Covid in the fall of 2020 and is now among a large group of people simply named “long haulers.” This basically means he has not recovered enough to return to work.

Researchers say that 50-80% of those who contract Covid 19 will become part of the “long haul” group with symptoms (often debilitating) lingering for more than six weeks and many up to a year or more. My husband’s doctor thinks it could be up to three years before he’s back to his pre-covid self.

Contract work — being self-employed — had been a good second income and gave me the flexibility to regain my health, write, and keep a balanced lifestyle. But, alas, life changes.

I am positive that here and there I’ve said and written things like “I’ll never go back to full-time work” or “I’m not going to work for anyone but myself” etc. You get the point…I eat crow every now and again, don’t you?

But nothing real can be threatened

I’ve mourned the loss of some dreams — or should I just say the postponement of said dreams — because if they’re real and meant to be they’ll find me. I may just be pursuing a different version of those dreams. And I am okay with that. For now.

Nothing real can be threatened Nothing unreal exists Herein lies the peace of God. — A Course in Miracles

I’ve spent some time the past four years trying to figure out how to obtain freedom. It looked easy at first: start writing, start a blog, start my own consulting business, juggle so many things…buy this course, join that membership, read this book. Look here, no there…that’s not working, what am I doing wrong???

I had steady work but it was still dependent on others. I wanted the type of work that was only dependent on me. Or so I thought. Lately, I’ve felt pulled in so many directions, not knowing where to focus my energy.

Trying to take good advice only gave me whiplash. If you love writing, you should dedicate your life to it and the money will come…some say. Others, like prolific writer Elizabeth Gilbert, say don’t put that kind of pressure on your writing. Keep your day job and write in the cracks and crevices.

Without direction, it’s hard to make progress

One thing I have learned is that when you don’t have a clear direction, you tend to second guess every plan. I recently watched the show, I Shouldn't Be Alive, which features true stories of people caught in dire circumstances like stranded at sea without supplies or trapped on a frozen mountain injured.

One episode featured a young couple who got off-trail in the Amazon rainforest. Quickly disoriented they began to walk for miles and then abandon that plan when they didn’t find the main trail. They’d go south for a few miles, then turn west, then north. They would never find a trail or river by walking in a circle.

I feel a bit like that couple. Every idea I pursued, when it didn’t produce fruit, I would abandon, and go in a different direction. The illustration below makes me twitchy because I wonder if I have given up too soon on my efforts.

David McElroy talks about giving up too soon in his article, Never give up; you may be closer to your goals than you can see:

If you still want something, keep fighting for it. That doesn’t mean that you can’t change your goals. If you decide you don’t want something anymore — truly change your desires — it’s acceptable to move on to fight another battle instead. But if you still truly ache for something — and know in your heart that it’s what is right for you — keep fighting.

I expected to feel pretty crappy after reading this article, but strangely I found I have peace about my decision to return to full-time work. It just might be what I need to reset my dreams and goals.

I’ve had too many projects going at once, trying hard to find a way to earn my way to financial freedom. At times I couldn’t determine what my main priorities were. When I learned that I would return to a full-time job and my start date was set, I realized I needed to really prioritize some things.

Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about. — Winston Churchill — (now there’s a guy who knows a thing or two about not giving up!)

Essentialism for the win

I began by asking myself what is the ONE thing I would do if my time and resources were so limited that I had to let everything else go. The answer came immediately: I would write.

It didn’t surprise me that this was my answer. It gave me profound clarity about my dreams and what was most important to me. I’ve been shutting down accounts, removing myself from Facebook groups, and saying no to other things since I gained this clarity.

Still, there is that nagging voice that calls me out as a failure, a sell-out, a wimp. Have I given up too easily on all those other ventures? Was I closer to striking gold than I realized?

Interestingly, at the bottom of McElroy’s article about not giving up, he adds this addendum: For a different perspective on this old question, here’s something I wrote seven years after this piece in which I revisited the issue — considering that there are times when a reasonable person changes his mind about what he wants.

In this article, How do we know when to quit? Persistence may be a futile choice, McElroy reflects back on his advice to never give up by admitting there are times it makes sense to give in, or quit, or step back from what we were bent on achieving:

I wish I could just say that enough faith and desire will bring us what we need. There are a lot of smart people who teach that faith and intense desire will eventually bring us what our heart wants. But what if they’re wrong? — David McElroy

McElroy is not an expert on achieving goals or persistence (I had never heard of him before I googled and found the illustration above) and I think that’s why I like reading about his struggle. It’s akin to what I’ve been going through.

None of us has a crystal ball and there are no guarantees in life. We can only make decisions based on what we know currently and what our gut tells us to do. I rely on gut intuition a lot.

I’ve also learned that detours don’t always make sense on paper but somehow our hearts know what we need before we need it. At times I’ve delayed my dreams or success by hanging on to what no longer served me. Perhaps this step back is not a step backward, but rather an opportunity to clarify — again.

“They” also say there are only two certain things in life: taxes and death. I say there is a third: change. It’s inevitable. We can either go with it and readjust or fight it and bang our head against the dirt wall — still not finding the gold.

And maybe it’s not gold I am meant to find, after all. Maybe it’s the intangibles that I’ve been seeking all along.

Do you ever have trouble making life decisions? You are not alone. A favorite book that has helped me in this area of life is by Emily P. Freeman, The Next Right Thing. You can read more about it here.