How to Make Good Decisions Without Stressing Yourself Out
Tips on determining your next right thing
Do you often wonder if there is a fail-safe way to make good decisions in life? Does making a big life-altering decision bring you to your knees, filled with anxiety that you are going to choose wrong and make a terrible mistake? Do you hyper-focus on all the things that could go wrong instead of all the things that could go right about your decision?
Making good decisions can be challenging
If you are like me and tend to listen to your instincts, you may find that all the standard advice — like making a pro-con list — doesn’t help much when making a decision. You may want to listen to your heart but your mind takes over and tempts you to think logically or act like a grown-up! You may have too many voices giving you well-meaning advice or maybe lack the self-confidence to listen to what your heart and spirit are telling you.
Sometimes the road just isn’t clear. We do our best and hope for the best and sometimes we kick ourselves over the choices we make. Regret is real and it can cripple our move into the future.
Isn’t there a best-selling book on Seven Steps to Better Decision Making? A guru secret that only a few have discovered but we can too for only $49.00 a month? Just give me the answer, God!! You may have even pleaded or cried out in frustration when trying to make a good decision for your life, family, or future.
Give yourself grace when making decisions!
I get it. I really do! When it comes to decision making, when I am in the throes of it, I feel lost and much like a child. I have stressed over buying the right sofa (that’s real, y’all and if you don’t believe me read The Cozy Minimalist Home — The Nester will tell you about it!), about which position to take at my former company, about which house to buy, which city to live in, which school district was best for my children, paint colors for the walls (I happen to have the entire paint swatch collection from Sherwin Williams and regularly consult it for sage advice), if I should let my silver grow out and replace the blonde highlights, and which tomato plants to buy at the garden center. I wish I were exaggerating, but I am not.
Our fear of failure, making a bad purchase, wasting money, or looking stupid is real. And it can be paralyzing.
However, when I look back at my biggest decisions, I can tease out a few things that helped me during that time. That’s not to say I can always look back and say with confidence, “Yep, I nailed it!” There are some decisions I can nod my head at and smile and tell you were right on the money and it felt good and easy and peaceful. There are others that I can tell you were not easy, and things even felt wrong for a while afterward, but in the long run, proved to be the right decision for me. And there is a time or two when I may have jumped the gun on some things and caused more stress in my life.
One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself when working through a decision is grace.
Grace to take a moment to breathe. Grace to acknowledge that you don’t hold the keys to the universe in your hands. Grace to hear God say, “Be still.” It is in this stillness that we can find our next right step, even if that step feels a lot more like doing nothing or sitting still.
Some examples of trying to make good decisions
Here are two short examples of when I’ve tried to make a good decision even when I wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do.
The Labradoodle puppy. We were stuck in a financial spiral which was causing immense stress on the family. Strapped for money, we nixed the summer vacation and the kids were bored. My son said, “Can we just go to the dog shelter to look around?”
Very dangerous words, in case you didn’t already know! I consented, kind of eager for something to do and as we pulled into the parking lot, my son asked, “If we find a Labradoodle puppy, can we get him?”
“Sure thing,” I replied! Like what are the chances of that? Ever eat your words?
I kid you not, there, in cage #1, newly arrived and not even cleaned up yet, was the cutest Labradoodle puppy of about four months. Let me just say that this dog was so cute, there was a waiting list to see him!
The rule was if you took him from the cage you could choose him and the next in line would miss out. Talk about having to make a decision quickly!
He was adorable but I had many misgivings about getting this puppy. He was sick. We had two dogs already. Finances were tight and he would need a lot of vetting to get him healthy. I wasn’t sure about this breed and if I would be allergic. I’d hate to take a chance and have to part with him.
I agonized over this bundle of cuteness until a woman handed me a slip of paper with her name and phone number and said, “I believe this dog belongs with your son, but if you find you can’t keep him I’d love to take him and he’d have a fine home with my Standard Poodle.” I thanked her and we signed the adoption papers. Colonel became, quite easily, the finest dog I have ever known.
Sometimes making a good decision means leaping with your heart and believing for a safety net.
The Vision. I was offered a promotion and a raise at work to continue doing the type of work I had done for four years. At the same time, a position became available that was a lateral move and more in line with my passions and expertise. I really wanted it but it meant no promotion, raise, or increased status in the company.
I had worked hard for that promotion and raise and wanted everyone to know it! I deserved it and I could do the work, but it wasn’t what I loved and I felt unfulfilled.
In trying to make a good decision about my next career move, I made the standard pro-con list, talked with colleagues, prayed, and begged God for a sign. What I received was a word picture.
In this vision, if you will, I had two roads I could take. The one that involved the promotion and raise was shaped like a funnel with the narrow end at the end of the road. The other path was a wild, rambling wood, filled with flowering dogwood trees and paths that led through meadows of wildflowers and crossed meandering streams. There was no destination but there were mountains in the far distance and many paths throughout the woods. That was what the path looked like if I pursued my passion, what my heart was yearning for. That sure seemed like a clear sign to me!
Some would say the money and the title were my sign, but that’s not who I am. I chose the wooded path lined with wildflowers.
But here’s the interesting thing about that story. Things got decidedly worse before they got better for me. I wondered over and over if I had missed the call with my decision. I lost all confidence in myself and my health even suffered during this time. I was miserable, lost, confused, and wanted off that path. Where were the wildflowers? How had I misread that vision so badly?
Well, I hadn’t. That step was a small step to a much bigger picture that I couldn’t envision back then. What that step allowed me was to create some margin in my life so I could breathe and think again. From there the next steps became clearer and eventually that choice proved to be God’s grace.
Some practical strategies for making good decisions
So what are some practical strategies that you can employ to make good decisions about your next right thing? I realize we are all different and that means we approach decision making uniquely.
Not sure what your decision-making style is? Take this quiz!
I’ll tell you some things that guide me and share a few chunks of wisdom from a book that has helped me immensely, The Next Right Thing by Emily P. Freeman. Even after several decades of personal decision-making practice, I found invaluable insight from Emily’s teaching. Most importantly, what I found between the covers of this book was grace. Grace for when I’m not even sure what I am seeking and grace to believe that God is more concerned about how I make decisions than which decision I make.
Let your next right thing be about a relationship over the right choice.
Another reason I chose the wooded path over the funnel was it meant I’d have more time for my family and my relationship with God. At the end of the day, that always seems like a God-honoring choice. As Emily says in The Next Right Thing, God is more concerned about how we make decisions than if we hit the nail on the head every time. Is our decision-making process drawing us closer to Him and those we love?
Follow the arrows.
As Emily describes it, arrows are what God is pointing you to in the decision-making process. In my case, it was a path, flowers, and trees, all imagery that speaks to my spirit.
Let go of expectations.
Or as Emily says in chapter 13, Don’t Rush Clarity. My path wasn’t clear but it was pretty and it felt sweet. I heard a speaker once say, “Hold tightly to the next steps but loosely to the destination.” If you put a pin in a map and cling to it with a death grip, I guarantee you will struggle with any decision you make. Predictability titillates our sense of control and control is an illusion.
Don’t pigeonhole God and do allow for uncertainty, or as Emily says in chapter 23, Expect to Be Surprised.
When we moved across the country from the suburbs to a farm, we knew nothing about farm life. I stared across the 10 acres suited for cattle and goats and wondered if we had just bit off more than we could chew. In a moment of bravery and brilliance that still baffles me, I declared, “We’ll figure it out!” Expect to be surprised and let go of what you think life should look like.
Trust yourself a little, okay?
I can get terribly twisted up in the idea that my heart is trying to deceive me, that my motives are impure, or that I’m ignoring God. My friend, Joanne, once said the most profound thing that has stuck with me for years.
In my performance anxiety, I was lamenting about not knowing if I was making good decisions in my life that aligned with God’s will. “Mary,” she said with firmness and clarity, “Think about all the billions of people that wake up each day and never give God a single thought. The fact that you think about him and want to please him every single day means he’s going to use you and not let you mess up!”
Right? Or as Emily says, in chapter 14, Stop Collecting Gurus. You don’t need all the experts or spiritual advisors to tell you what to do. You may need help with the how, but first, you need to hear the what. The good news is if you pay attention to your heart and listen to the Spirit, you will know where it’s leading you.
Keep it simple.
Sometimes the next right thing is to take a nap because you are too tired to think, take a walk to clear your head, or call your mom and say you’re sorry. Our next right thing very rarely saves a life or changes the world unless you are a paramedic or a surgeon or a world leader on the brink of war. Since most of us don’t save fire and heart attack victims on a daily basis or make decisions about sending young men into battle, we should probably lighten up a little about our decision-making process.
Typically our next step simply means to lean into something you are curious about, sign up for that volunteer position that intrigues you, or ask a few questions about the housing market in a state you feel drawn to.
Sometimes the next right thing involves the not doing.
Emily talks about this in chapter 10, Quit Something. Quit something that makes you feel drained and lifeless. Remove yourself from the group that leaves you insecure and empty. Sell the elliptical machine that screams failure every time you pass it. When things remain undone, or as Emily reminds us, decisions remain unmade, they hold power over us. Release them, whether they be good intentions you need to part with or that closet you need to cleanout.
I work with women who seek to simplify their lives, and it’s a big breakthrough when they realize that first things have to come first. Your next right thing may simply be to start decluttering, shred the paper in your office, or get your finances in order. Don’t hop over these steps, they are the stepping stones to your meadow, your wooded path, or your country lane. Clear out the clutter so you can make good decisions going forward.
Make a life-giving or life-draining list instead of a pro-con list.
We’ve all been taught to make the pro-con list, right? But Emily suggests a different kind of list where we listen to our hearts and our bodies and decide what part of the decision feels life-giving and which feels life-draining. This activity can be employed when making a decision about a specific choice or for more general guidance over your direction in life.
As you can see, there are no magic answers for us when making decisions, but there are ways we can learn to tune into our decision-making style and take the stress out of the process. I hope these tips bring you some clarity as you take your next steps!
Thanks for reading! I also have a Facebook group called Simple Life Simple Faith. We talk a lot about the next right steps there and how to keep your life uncluttered so you can hear a little bit more clearly about your next decision in life. I hope to meet you there, but in the meantime, take some steps to destress the decision-making process in your life.
