I Used to Be a Polyamory Bigot

Before I went poly, I was judging people based on preconceived ideas that were dead wrong

True confession: about 7 years ago I wrote an opinion piece for an acquaintance’s blog about how I was choosing monogamy and would never choose anything else. Then about 5 years ago, my husband James and I opened up our marriage, at my suggestion. Seemingly out of the blue, I’d begun to get a strong urge to bring another man into our relationship.

I was really happy with my relationship. Why would I want anyone else?

That’s a whole other story, but until that time, I’d never even considered polyamory or any other form of ethical non-monogamy. It just seemed way too complicated and kind of fringe. Besides, I was really happy with my relationship. Why would I want anyone else?

I was so sure that I knew exactly what I wanted and what I didn’t, in part because I thought I knew what polyamory was, and it wasn’t for me. In my opinion piece, which was read by a lot of people who did actually understand poly life because they were living it, I tried to not be judgmental, but I was. Rather than asking my friend to tell me more about her own experiences with polyamory, I just made a bunch of assumptions and floated them as truth. Big mistake!

One of the reasons that I enjoy writing about polyamory now is to not only atone for that but to also help other people understand what this kind of life is actually like. Monogamy is a very different mindset than any kind of ethical non-monogamy (ENM) and you can’t get an accurate idea about the latter while looking at it through the lens of the former. It’s an assumption that many people make, but just like me of 7 years ago, they are also wrong.

Not long ago, someone commented on a story that I’d written about how polyamory actually improves my marriage, that he didn’t know anyone who was polyamorous. He also floated the assumption that I was living communally with all of my partners, and that this type of arrangement never works out long term. This is what I said in reply:

How old are you? Most people who are openly poly are Millenials. Us middle-aged folks have to keep it to ourselves to prevent being subjected to the judgemental opinions of people like you. And just because you don’t know something has no bearing on how true it is. There are several Medium publications dedicated to poly life and I know of many, many people who are living happy and fulfilling poly existences.

One of my male partners is married, my other male partner has a live-in girlfriend, my female partner is divorced and has no interest in ever again being in a situation where a man thinks he can tell her what to do. If they ever decide that this just isn’t working, it won’t be because the structure is bad. The structure is ideal — we all get stability but also variety; an abundance of love, friendship, connection, and sex. For those of us who have committed relationships, it adds to them.

Polyamory is an expansive outlook on love and sexual attachment, meaning that there is no assumption, as there is in monogamy, that one connection takes anything away from the others. In fact, it’s typically the opposite, where the increased levels of communication and honesty help partners to feel closer to each other even as they expand their attachments to include other people.

This is what everyone in healthy poly relationships has to say, and if they aren’t healthy, it’s usually because someone is bringing too much monogamy mindset to the table. Poly is about being responsible for your self and your own emotions, being honest and communicating openly about what you want and need, treating partners like individuals rather than someone who owes you something due to your relationship status, and expressing love and affection in a variety of ways, including through sex.

We have the relationships that we have co-created together. They work great because we are the ones who decide what the components are, how often we talk or see each other, how these relationships fit in with the rest of our lives. You are trying to overlay a monogamy mindset overtop of a relationship system that is entirely different.

I’ve been with Nat (who is married) for nearly 5 years. We’ve been with Tamara for close to 3 years, and we just met Lane less than a year ago, but all of these relationships are going strong and making us all very happy.

He then apologized if he’d upset me but commented, “We all basically have our own experiences to go by. Yours are so outside of mine they are basically incomprehensible to me.” I told him that I understood that, but left him with these thoughts — ones that I wish someone had said to me before I’d thought it was a good idea to write about something that I didn’t actually know enough about to express an opinion around:

I understand that it’s outside of your experience. A few years ago it was outside of mine and I actually went so far as to write an article saying that I would never choose anything but monogamy, based in part upon preconceived notions that I had about polyamory. But, because of that experience and the fact that I’ve matured since then, I think that when one is interested in something that one doesn’t know much about, the best thing to do is to ask questions and seek information rather than to tell someone else what their life is like based on how you imagine it might be.

One of the main reasons that people like me write about polyamory is to help those who don’t know much about it to understand because it’s a very different kind of relationship style than most people have ever experienced. Lots of people think that polyamory is primarily about sex, and that is typically an important component, but not the only one (just as it is in monogamy). Here’s one of my favorite descriptions about what polyamory is really about and how that can influence relationships of all kinds:

For marriage as we know it to survive in the future, we will all have to catch up. Things are shifting dramatically in our society. We are learning a new form of relationship — not based on sex, or swinging or adventure — but based on integrity, a new concept for many of us. Being out in the open about our real feelings may be a new and creative style of relating. This type of relating is not founded in following our lust or our impulses, but is the basis of forming a new style of relationship that is honest — honest with ourselves about what we really want and desire and honest with our partners about what we need. There is an inherent maturity in standing up for what we believe is our truth — even if it is the need to love more than one person at a time.

Relationships are made up of people, which means that things don’t go perfectly all of the time, even when poly people are trying to uphold all of the precepts of this style of relationship. Some people claim to be poly, but use it as an excuse to have sex with a lot of people without any personal responsibility, not even attempting to really embody the elements of ethical non-monogamy.

Even when it’s working well, it’s not something that is right for everyone, but I hear all the time from people who really love living this way, and who have found a greater closeness with one or more of their partners, through this relationship style. My husband and I definitely went through some rocky times as we deprogrammed ourselves from thinking like monogamists, but now we couldn’t be happier or closer.

I deeply regret that I ever judged people whose life I didn’t understand, but more than that, I regret that I didn’t even try to understand.

I deeply regret that I ever judged people whose life I didn’t understand, but more than that, I regret that I didn’t even try to understand. My strategy now if I meet someone who has an aspect of their life that doesn’t make easy sense to me is to ask them to tell me more. I want to learn, not just pontificate.

A few years ago, I ran into my acquaintance again and confessed to her that we were now polyamorous.

“Isn’t that just the perfect comeuppance?” I asked her after I’d apologized. She was more gracious to me than I had once been to her.

“Good for you,” she said. “I’m very happy for you!”