When Monogamists Explain Polyamory To Me

Clearing up some misconceptions that come from patriarchal thinking

One of the topics that I write the most about on Medium is polyamory. My husband James and I opened up our relationship about 5 years ago, and ever since we’ve been on a path of exploration and growth, both as individuals and as a couple. I’ve written about the sexual aspects, the emotional aspects, and the philosophical aspects of polyamory. It’s something I’ve read a lot about and I think that I write with an approachable yet authoritative style on the subject. None-the-less, that doesn’t prevent some people who don’t know much about the subject from trying to tell me all about it, usually in the comments section of one of my stories.

I’m not sure why they think that this is appropriate or reasonable. I have some informed thoughts and ideas about what it would be like to be a gay man, but I would never presume to tell one all about what his relationship(s) are actually like. First off, unlike traditional hetero monogamy, polyamory, and to a certain extent, many homosexual relationships, do not necessarily fit into a pre-fab box. Partners co-create their own parameters, and for me to assume that I know what those are would be incredibly condescending.

One of the biggest attractions of polyamory for both me and James is that our relationship and the ones we have with other people are designed solely by us. We choose what affection and connection look like and how they are expressed with each other as well as our other partners. I’m in love with and committed to a man who is married to someone else. Rather than that being a source of guilt or tension, it’s just an accepted part of the way that we all interact with each other. Not everyone has to choose that, but we have, and we’re happy with it. The reason that we can have this is that all of our relationships are built on honesty, communication, independence, and self-responsibility.

It’s true that not every single polyamorous relationship rises to the level of those precepts, but they are still the foundational elements of poly life. Aside from the occasional judging comment, that typically is an accusation of selfishness and greed (which makes no sense at all since poly is the opposite of that), are the ones that are just trying to overlay monogamy on top of the little they know about poly. Of course, it doesn’t compute, because it’s an entirely different way of looking at romantic connection.

Most of these guys, and they pretty much are all guys, are very concerned that polyamory is just some kind of sanctioned cheating for women, who are then leaving their male partners at home to cry in their beer. The other misconception is that a small percentage of “elite” men have access to all the women, and regular guys are left with nothing, while the elites essentially have a harem. Both of these misconceptions come out of a patriarchal construct where control and ownership of romantic partners is not only expected, it’s celebrated.

Although overwhelmingly it is women who initiate opening previously monogamous relationships, they are not off screwing around while their husbands or boyfriends sit home by themselves. First off, polyamory isn’t only about sex, and in order for polyamory to work, both/all partners have to have equal opportunity to pursue other intimate relationships.

Some polyamorous relationships are closed, the functional equivalent of a multi-person marriage, but for the most part, all partners also have partners of their own. The false narrative that any and all women can easily find other sexual and romantic partners, where it’s much harder for men, drives some of this preconception that women are benefiting from polyamory in ways that men aren’t. That belief is a whole story on its own, so I won’t go into it further here.

It may be marginally easier for women to find other partners in certain situations, but it is not a gross imbalance, in my experience. The main reason being, polyamorous women are looking for poly men, not men who are cheating on their wives or girlfriends. And they want quality men; not just any old Joe who expresses interest in them. The strange and incongruent flip side to the idea that poly women will hook up with anybody is the patriarchal notion that only a few elite men have access to most of the women. This is based on an interpersonal hierarchy that comes out of monogamy and doesn’t really exist in polyamory. Patriarchy is at heart, a dominance-based hierarchy, and that’s the social structure in which monogamous marriage was formed.

First off, polyamory isn’t only about sex, it’s about intimate connections, which may very often involve sex. I haven’t seen my other life partner Nat for over three years because we moved away from where he lives. That doesn’t make us any less committed to each other. We just have a different kind of connection that a traditional monogamous relationship that has as the ultimate goal, cohabitation and marriage as a show of commitment.

Although my relationship with him is very different than the one I have with my husband, he is no less important to me. James and I are both involved with Tamara and being in a three-way relationship is also very different than traditional monogamous pairings. Nat has his own wife and family and Tamara has other intimate connections as well. No-one is controlling anyone else and our relationships are built on our intimate connections to each other and that alone.

Polyamory doesn’t work well with people who are overly controlling, jealous, or co-dependent. These are traits that tend to be more a part of monogamous relationships, although there are, of course, healthy monogamous relationships and unhealthy poly ones. But there are no “elite men” who have dozens of women all to themselves. Most poly women will expect to have access to multiple partners also, some of whom might be female.

Polyamory doesn’t just disrupt the fundamentals of traditional relationship pairings, it frequently also has greater sexual fluidity. Bi-sexuality or pan-sexuality is not universal in polyamory, but it is much more common. I believe this is because poly encourages people to figure out what works for them, rather than asking them to follow rules that have been designed by society. When you have a sub-culture that encourages exploration and individuality, rather than conformity, that is what you often get. Perhaps this is why many homosexual relationships have polyamorous aspects to them.

So let’s recap what polyamory is and isn’t:

It is an expansive relationship style that encourages deep and ongoing communication about your needs and your boundaries; it encourages you to take responsibility for your emotions and your actions; it asks for honesty and transparency.

It is an avenue for having an abundance of love, caring, connection and sex that is not constrained by artificial boundaries devised by other people.

It is not about having a variety of casual relationships rather than one meaningful one. All poly relationships, even the ones that are primarily about sex, are probably going to be meaningful on some level because poly is about intimacy, not about hooking up.

It is not a pressure release valve to make struggling relationships work better. Relationships that are not already healthy and strong are unlikely to survive the pressures of polyamory because it takes work to live with the high level of communication and intention that poly relationships require to be successful.

In other words, the narrative of a woman with more power in the relationship using it to run around and see other people while her man languishes at home is a fear born out of a hierarchical relationship style. In that paradigm, someone always has more power, but this zero-sum outlook isn’t what polyamory is about — it’s what patriarchy is about. Having multiple partners encourages power-sharing and cooperative relationships. The fear that if I can’t control you, you will cuckold me is straight out of patriarchy.

It is not a couple of men with harems of women and it never will be. The relationship dynamics are completely different between polygamy and polyamory. Different partners quite often meet different needs in poly relationships. Why on earth would a polyamorous woman revert to getting all of her emotional, sexual, and other needs met by just one man? Why would she give up the freedom and individuality of poly life to be intimately involved with only one person again?

I hear from people all the time about how polyamory has increased the intimacy they have with their primary partner (if they have one, not all poly people do) at the same time that it has increased their sense of individuality and independence. This doesn’t make any sense when you look at it through the lens of a patriarchal, hierarchical relationship style, but that’s because it isn’t that. Polyamory has to be evaluated for what it is, not for what it is imagined to be by those who don’t understand it.

© Copyright Elle Beau 2020 Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love. If this story is appearing anywhere other than Medium.com, it appears without my consent and has been stolen.