I Told My Son One Thing About Communicating Feelings

Because if not, I will absorb his mood

My son is home from college. We head out to grab breakfast. He seems out of sorts which makes me uncomfortable. I attempt to fix the situation.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

“Nothing,” he says.

“Are you sure?” I say.

“Yes,” he says.

I still can’t relax. It’s natural to absorb our children’s feelings. But I absorb everyone’s feelings. It’s a deficit. It’s what makes me want to rescue, fix, and please.

“Look,” I say. “I’m not going to be okay until I think you’re okay. That’s who I am. I know this about myself and I’m trying to curb it. But you are also old enough to express what you are feeling,” I say. “Not make me guess.”

“Nothing is wrong,” he says. “I’m just super tired.”

And just like that, the mood issue is discovered and solved.

There is no problem.

My uncle once told me, “Colleen, your whole life you’ve been a happy girl and all you wanted was everyone around you to be happy. But if the situation calls for it you can be feisty.”

I never forgot what he said because I wrote it down.

I was on the phone with him struggling over my marital issues.

I scribbled his words on a scrap of paper. He was failing and I never wanted to forget how he saw me. He was trying to impart some wisdom. He was telling me maybe I should give up on worrying about someone else's happiness and focus on my own.

I’m not alone in the feeling absorption department.

It’s a common trait of deeply caring people.

I can’t claim this quality in the saintly category. I inherited it from a family of overly caring first responders. They were rescuers and caregivers. They attended to the needs of others.

That is a healthy outlet for compassion.

Mine is not.

If someone I love is upset I can’t concentrate until I somehow attempt to make a dent in the situation. I’ll stop what I am doing if necessary. Not because someone demands me to. Because I want to. I derive an innate satisfaction from fixing things.

I taught my son one thing about communication.

Well, technically two things.

1. Absorbing Feelings

My tendency to absorb feelings isn’t necessarily healthy because I’m extreme. It’s a great thing to feel things deeply, to care about those we love and even strangers. But not if it takes on a life of its own.

We have to have boundaries.

We can’t please, fix, and rescue everyone.

And more importantly, not everyone wants us to.

My son didn’t feel like talking or sharing that morning. He was an exhausted college kid. He didn’t want to be grilled. He wanted to drive, listen to music, and enjoy being home.

All kids can find their parents annoying. On that morning, I actually was. I knew enough to recognize this. It’s why I took a moment to explain my own personality.

2. Mood Awareness

The main thing I taught my son about communication is mood awareness. We communicate not only with words but with our bodies. As we mature, we need to be conscious of this.

Our mood can’t enter a room before we do.

We shouldn’t inflict our mood on others.

It doesn’t take a pleaser, fixer, or rescuer to feel uncomfortable.

The average individual doesn’t want to guess what’s bothering someone or have another person’s mood taken out on them. We need to use our words. We aren’t children, we are grown-ups.

Summary

My son is rarely like that. He’s got the joy of life. But as we become young adults we begin to feel the stress, pressures, and demands of the real world.

Our moods are more easily impacted.

It’s natural.

But moods are a form of communication.

Whether spoken or implied. They have either a positive or negative impact on others. We don’t have the luxury of subjecting people to our less-than-pleasant attitudes.

Especially if it’s a person who won’t be happy until they know you are happy.

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