INTO THE MIND OF THE DOGNAPPER
I Stalked Amy Sea’s Dog at Walgreens
You’re leaving with me, Smooshy-Face
FOREWARD: Mudditor Amy Sea and her dog Ewok had a recent encounter with an overeager dog enthusiast at Walgreens, which she recounts in vivid detail here. That dog enthusiast now tells her side of the story.
OH. MY. GOD.
That is literally the cutest dog in the world. I want to talk to it, and sing to it, and tell it my darkest secrets, and take its smooshy little face in my hands and smoosh it!!!!!!!!!
I WANT THAT DOG. AND I’M NOT LEAVING WALGREENS WITHOUT IT.
Oh. So my new dog already has a human, does she? Maybe yes, maybe no.
Aww! Look at her, all sweaty and grumpy. That lady doesn’t want a cold drink or air-conditioning or privacy. No, she wants to have a nice, long heart to heart with me about her day and her feelings and my beautiful smooshy-face new dog instead. This is what people mean when they say I am AWESOME at reading a room.
It’s hilarious. People in stores play this game with me like maybe they DON’T want to talk to me about their little fur-babies ALL DAY. I’ll get right in their face and demand they tell me EVERYTHING about their cute little schnoodle RIGHT NOW and then, seven or eight minutes later, they’ll claim to have a doctor’s appointment or something stupid like that and try to get around me. Good luck with that!
The game gets really fun when I follow them slowly around the aisles for twenty minutes, then when they check out, I block the exit with my cart. They’re gifted with 200 hundred more questions about their dog’s diet and walks and poops because this is how fun dog people have fun.
The way I see it, if you don’t want the questions, don’t bring your adorable dog! LOL!
Wait! I just followed Smooshy and that human into aisle four and, no way! She just bought a Diet Coke. I LOVE Diet Coke!
OMG! You know who she looks like? Paige, from Theta Gamma. We were the closest sorority sisters OF ALL TIME and then she ghosted me. No reason. It hurt SO MUCH when Paige accused me of “stalking” her. OK, Paige AND the Chicago Police Department. Paige never quite understood that a restraining order can never restrain a friendship made by angels.
Now I’ve got my BF Tyler, who is so beautiful he makes me sad all the time.
One time, six weeks ago, he told me “I love you to the moon and back, baby.” Like, he just MADE THAT UP. For me. To the moon AND back.
Tyler doesn’t say much to me anymore. He won’t let me get a dog. He says getting a dog is “gay.”
Right now, he’s going through this phase where he texts all his old girlfriends, gets blackout wasted every night with his fantasy football buddies, then comes home and surfs porn sites for a couple of hours.
But if I just keep smiling and smiling and smiling at him and touching him and having wild sex with him, all the time, in strange locations, like, in the parking lot behind Walgreens five minutes ago, then Tyler will stay because Tyler and I are soulmates and are deeply, deeply in love.
But right now I gotta get my hands on that dog.
I’ll grab Smooshy, run to the car, then sweaty lady will come after me. We’ll have a fun high-speed chase on the Dan Ryan Expressway. We’ll meet and within seconds she’ll realize how much we have in common. We’ll laugh and talk and drink cases of Yellow Tail chardonnay and puke and cry and Smooshy-hug for three days straight just like real dog-mom sisters who love each other forever and are happy all the time.
BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT REAL FRIENDSHIP LOOKS LIKE, PAIGE!
FUCK!
She’s gone!!! She took MY dog!! I forgot to block the goddamn exit!!!
SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN, SWEATY LADY!!!
OK, take it down. Breathe. Breathe. Happy place. Puppy fur.
Until next week, Ooshy-Smooshy. See you soon, my bestest new best friend. I’ll be right here. Waiting.
I’m so good at waiting, you have no idea.
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The T. Kent Jones omnibus never closes. Free Parking!
