avatarAmy Sea

Summary

The author recounts an uncomfortable encounter with an overly enthusiastic stranger at Walgreens, who was captivated by the author's dog and oblivious to the author's disinterest in social interaction.

Abstract

In a personal essay, the author describes a visit to Walgreens that was disrupted by a woman who relentlessly pursued the author and her dog, Ewok, with excessive friendliness and compliments. The author, who was seeking relief from the heat and a simple purchase of Diet Coke, felt harassed and invaded by the stranger's behavior. Despite clear signals of disinterest, the woman continued to follow the author around the store, attempting to engage in conversation about the dog and making presumptions about the author's life. The author's frustration is palpable as they express a desire for personal space and privacy, emphasizing the dog's protective nature and their own mental exhaustion. The essay concludes with a humorous yet serious threat of a restraining order and a mention of the dog's potential to bite, highlighting the author's exasperation with the situation.

Opinions

  • The author is annoyed by the stranger's intrusive behavior and lack of boundaries.
  • The author values personal space and privacy, especially in public places like Walgreens.
  • The author is not interested in making new acquaintances or engaging in small talk, particularly about their dog.
  • The author perceives the stranger's happiness as performative and insincere, finding it inappropriate in the context of the author's clear discomfort.
  • The author is sarcastic about the stranger's assumption that their life is going well, as indicated by the functioning air conditioner and the stranger's public display of affection.
  • The author is protective of their dog and uses the dog's potential aggression as a deterrent to further unwanted attention.
  • The author implies that the stranger's behavior is symptomatic of a broader societal issue with respecting personal boundaries and reading social cues.

YOU TALKIN TO ME?

Dear Woman Who Chased Me Around Walgreens,

I’m aware my dog is cute

Author Photo

Hey Lady Who Stalked Me and My Dog at Walgreens,

Back off. I came to Walgreens to purchase a Diet Coke, not to stare into the abyss of a hysterically jovial stranger. My air-conditioner was acting up. I was sweating like a pig. I came to Walgreens for sanctuary — not so you and I could bond like sorority sisters, giggling about dogs.

I’m not looking to make new friends at Walgreens. I'm not interested in chatting about my dog’s breed, how cute she is, or about where I bought her. You want to buy my dog? Is that why you came to Walgreens?

I didn’t bring Ewok here because I am giving a Ted Talk on cute dogs next to the Pharmacy. I brought her here because I have heat stroke and I am doubling down on walking her and buying a beverage. I’m an empty shell walking a dog looking for a Diet Coke.

I got nothing for you lady.

I knew you were trouble as soon I saw you through the Walgreens’ windows. Aw, it’s adorbs how you’re hanging off your guy and smiling at everyone like you invented love.

He is probably one of those guys with the recycled love lines, somebody who says, “I love you to the moon and back, baby.” And you? You probably think he made that up.

I’m not here to witness your love connection. I’m just trying to get to Wednesday.

I understand toxic happiness as much as the next human. I am an overly enthusiastic person myself, but I’m not completely tone-deaf. I can read a room. If someone looks like their pockets are filled with rocks and they’re walking into the ocean, I don’t fucking grin at them.

I don’t chase strangers and their dog around a Walgreens. Look at me. Am I one of those kind of people? Did you even check when you decided to peek around every aisle at me and my dog, grinning at us like a jack-o-lantern?

You gotta know your audience, sister. You don’t spark me. This over-enthusiasm shit of yours is one-sided. Leave me and my dog out of your performative public happiness.

Do you not see the sweat stains under my armpits and the waterfall gushing down my back? Do I look like a happy-go-lucky person with a working air-conditioner?

And stop trying to talk to my dog. She’s a dog. She’s not talking back to you so that makes two of us. I am hiding from you. Do you get that a lot?

This was not how my Walgreens errand was supposed to go. I did not plan to come in here and hide from a woman in love. I get it. Your life is working. You want to share.

Your air conditioner filters probably are without dust. Your cooling coils are probably full of refrigerant. I don’t owe you even one word.

I don’t have it in me to talk to you about how cute my dog is. I know she’s cute. Self-evident. She cost a fortune. She’s not a rescue. She’s from a fucking boutique. If she weren’t adorable, I’d sue someone.

I am now leaving the premises, out the back door, with my Diet Coke. One step closer, grinning lady, and I’m getting a restraining order. Did I mention Ewok bites? She’s pretty cute but she’s also very protective of her mama’s mental health, which is not great.

Estimated healing time? Three weeks.

Best,

Woman on the Verge of Getting Her Dog to Bite a Stranger

Thanks to T. Kent Jones for editing and finding the funny.

Wouldn’t you rather be laughing? Follow Amy Sea and MuddyUm

Brand art courtesy of David Todd McCarty
Humor
Satire
Rant
Dogs
Mental Health
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