I See Values, You See Limits

Summary

The website content discusses the concept of personal boundaries as a reflection of self-esteem and values, emphasizing the importance of setting and maintaining them.

Abstract

The article "I See Values, You See Limits" delves into the nature of personal boundaries, explaining how they are not just defenses against intrusion but manifestations of one's self-esteem and core values. It suggests that boundaries are the measurable limits others perceive when they encounter our deeply held values. The author shares a personal journey of understanding boundaries as more than just barriers, but as quantifiable expressions of what we stand for. The piece encourages readers to identify their own values and set corresponding limits, illustrating how these boundaries are tested in social interactions. It concludes with a practical exercise for readers to define their values, set limits, and acknowledges the challenge of maintaining boundaries in the face of competing values or social pressures.

Opinions

The author initially viewed personal boundaries as futile attempts to control others' behavior, but now sees them as expressions of self-esteem and values.
Boundaries are likened to a measurement that others experience as limits when they encounter behavior that opposes one's value system.
The author emphasizes that boundary setting is not about controlling others, but about upholding one's own values.
The article suggests that boundary conflicts arise when value systems are not aligned.
It is noted that we often do not notice boundaries until they are tested, which typically occurs during interactions where values are in opposition.
The author provides a personal example of setting limits based on values, such as not offering a ride home but arranging an Uber, to illustrate boundary setting in practice.
The article concludes with an encouragement to celebrate the act of setting boundaries, suggesting a self-congratulatory reward, such as enjoying chocolate, pastry, or fruit.

I See Values, You See Limits

Part 2: What Personal Boundaries Are and How They Operate

“Boundaries are a measure of self-esteem.” Jane Collingwood, PsychCentral.com

Let that sink in a moment.

Throughout my life, I have rarely, intentionally set boundaries. I’ve assumed personal boundaries to be defenses against intrusion, feeble attempts at controlling others’ threatening behavior. It doesn’t take a Stoicist to realize that, ultimately, we have no control over others’ behavior, only our own. So, why waste effort in setting a boundary when another will all too happily traipse right over the line drawn in the sand?

Recently, I’ve learned something about personal boundaries and, consequently, have set about the business of defining them. But this time, I am drawing boundaries using a different set of tools and a new perspective.

Boundaries are a by-product of your self-esteem

The word boundary conjures images of walls, mountains, yellow lines painted on asphalt. On the other hand, the word measurement evokes yardsticks, balance scales, Pyrex cups. While these two concepts (a limit and a quantifier) do not appear to intersect, they in fact do — right at the point where the self meets another. The very measurement of my self-esteem appears to you, when tested, as a limit. We are each looking at the same act (values esteemed), but we see it from two different points of view. Therefore, when I take my values seriously and uphold them, you will see limits to my tolerance of behavior that does not fall in line with my value system.

Normally, this does not present a problem in everyday interactions, because often our value systems align. It’s when they don’t align that the measurement-boundary effect comes into play. The effect becomes obvious when two value systems are diametrically opposed. For example, if I value authenticity and you suggest that I lie for you, you will experience my value, having been tested, as a hard limit.

Your Turn

If you too have struggled with setting boundaries, come up with a list of five values about which you are passionate, and as such they will be easy for you to uphold. Let’s say I write some as an example,

I value family

I value home

I value my work

I value health

I value self-care

Having completed your list of five values, imagine if someone or some circumstance were to test them. (If you find that you yourself are the one testing the value, then you are experiencing two competing values. This will be addressed in another post.) I will test one of my values from above.

Last, set a limit for each of your five values. I’ll continue with my example:

As you can see, the limit comes full circle back to its value. If my friend, who works across town, needs a ride home because her car broke down, I might not offer to pick her up myself, but if it doesn’t further exhaust me, I could arrange an Uber for her. Even so, there is nothing wrong with my saying that I am unable to help at the moment — and, while an explanation is considerate, it is by no means necessary.

Once you have completed the exercise, take a moment to congratulate yourself on taking a step toward setting boundaries. Chocolate, pastry, ripe fruit — each an excellent edible to mark the event. Or you could combine all three! Bon appétit !

Personal Boundaries

I See Values, You See Limits

Boundaries are a by-product of your self-esteem

Your Turn

Personal Boundaries Series in Four Parts