Summary

The article discusses the importance of setting personal boundaries and the consequences of enforcing them, emphasizing the strategies of "meet" or "retreat" when boundaries are crossed.

Abstract

The content delves into the concept of personal boundaries, focusing on the consequences that arise when these boundaries are violated. It outlines two primary responses to boundary crossing: confronting the individual with a clear restatement of one's values (meet) or disengaging from the situation (retreat). The article also touches on the less favorable option of counterattacking and why it is generally ineffective. Practical advice is provided on how to address boundary violations directly or indirectly, and the importance of not taking responsibility for the emotional reactions of others when maintaining one's boundaries. The author emphasizes that while one is not responsible for others' emotional well-being, it is crucial to maintain civility and not resort to cruelty.

Opinions

The author believes that in cases of physical threat, relying on professionals for safety planning is crucial rather than attempting to set boundaries alone.
The "meet" approach is seen as appropriate for unintentional boundary crossings, while "retreat" is more suitable for intentional trespasses.
Counterattacks are viewed with discomfort by the author due to ethical concerns and personal discomfort with aggression.
The article suggests that indirectly addressing boundary issues can be effective when direct confrontation is challenging.
It is expressed that individuals should not feel responsible for the emotional responses of those who have crossed their boundaries.
The author advises against cruelty when enforcing boundaries, as it undermines one's integrity and the purpose of setting boundaries in the first place.
The importance of self-care in emotional health is highlighted, with the reminder that each person is only responsible for their own emotional well-being.

PERSONAL BOUNDARIES

Consequences

Part 4: Meet or Retreat

I’ve spent the last few weeks setting and maintaining boundaries, so eventually, I had to address the consequences. What would it look like once a boundary had been crossed?

Before I get to my experience (see Meet and Retreat below), I need to address what someone should do if they are under physical threat.

According to information provided by the University of Kentucky, if you are in physical danger or under physical threat, then setting explicit boundaries is not the safe option. Instead, rely on a counselor, therapist, or advocate to help you create a safety plan.

Not under physical threat, I discovered two viable options: meet the trespasser with firm, clear, unemotional restatement of my values or retreat from them by disengaging either emotionally, physically, financially, or by another appropriate form of withdrawal. Generally speaking, the meet response addresses unintentional boundary crossings, while the retreat response addresses the intentional trespasses.

There is a third response, the counterattack. However, I am highly uncomfortable with performing an outright attack for a number of reasons, from ethical issues to my own lack of confidence when it comes to aggression. This isn’t to say I haven’t launched a verbal onslaught before. As a Scorpio, my tail can lash out when I feel backed against the wall. However, these verbal attacks have been impromptu, inconsistent, unsuccessful, and, therefore, unreliable. In literature and entertainment, this response is celebrated, but in reality, such behavior usually makes the boundary-setter ultimately more vulnerable.

There are cases where people have defended themselves by use of counterattacks. I’m thinking specifically of instances where women have used their martial arts training (note the word training) to stop physical attacks. Nonetheless, a swift retreat and call to the police follows. Ultimately, you want yourself away from the troublemaker.

Meet the Boundary Buster

There are two modes in which you can address the boundary-crossing: directly or obliquely. By directly addressing it, you are comfortable in your relationship, your boundary, and your ability to communicate your needs. However, not all of us are at this point, so a passive approach may suit your needs better. For example, if someone is applying pressure for you to make a decision (one that is your alone to make), you can sidestep the issue rather than blatantly tell the person to back off.

Retreat from the Boundary Buster

Again, there are two modes: solo or with backup. In your retreat, you don’t need to verbalize your intentions. You don’t even need to have made them clear from the outset, though that could prove helpful in the long run. If you can manage your retreat without the help of another, then you can fly solo. This is not always an option. Sometimes it’s good to have someone help you through the process, a friend, a counselor, a partner, a therapist. This person doesn’t literally have to be present for the retreat, but they can provide moral support and that listening ear.

“You are not responsible for the emotional well-being of others.”

Kameron MacRorie, LMFT

Take No Responsibility for the Emotional Reactions of Trespassers

When your boundaries are crossed and you protect them, others will respond emotionally. They will be aware at some level (depending on how you have articulated your boundaries — and remember, you are under no obligation to articulate them) of having overstepped. This, naturally, will make them feel uncomfortable.

They’ve made a boo-boo. And now they have an owie.

I remember when I was first introduced to setting boundaries as a twenty-something, dealing for the first time with childhood abuse issues. The holidays were approaching and I needed time away from family that year. When I mentioned to my mother that my husband and I would be spending the holidays away from family that season, she lost it. I mean Tennessee Williams’ style. Why? I was going off-script! It didn’t matter that I was level-headed and polite — my programming wasn’t kicking in, and so she scolded me, throwing back the request in my face and using a particularly nasty tone of voice.

“‘What you want! What you want!’…Listen to you!”—response from an unhappy boundary-buster

And — trust me on this — when it’s your turn to protect your emotional needs, your behavior will come under scrutiny, too. You may hear a variety of responses:

What’s wrong? You aren’t acting like yourself. That time of the month? I was only kidding. You used to be so happy, easy-going, carefree, [fill in the blank].

Don’t take the bait. There’s nothing wrong with you. But you have kicked the hornet’s nest. By caring for your emotional needs and maintaining your boundaries, another’s feelings have become hurt. It’s okay. They’ll get over it. Or they won’t.

Either way, you are not responsible for the emotional well-being of others.

However, this does not give you a free pass to be cruel. Rude, perhaps. Cruel, never. You will always lose ground when you resort to petty and hurtful behavior. Behaving in this way only undermines all your hard work, so keep it together. Remember those boundaries you’ve set? What are they protecting? THE HIGH GROUND.

So apart from parenting, where we are responsible in a multitude of ways for our children’s well-being, you are responsible only for your own emotional health. You don’t even have the power to take responsibility for another’s, so don’t bother. Even when they are flummoxed and can’t figure out what has just happened. It’s okay. They’ll get over it.

Or they won’t.