SATIRE

I Never Get Angry

Never ever

In this month’s prompt on The Challenge, Pamela Oglesby asked, “Do you get angry easily, or what makes you mad?”

I’m pretty laid-back. I don’t usually sweat the small stuff, so I rarely get angry. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I was angry. Based on my easy-going personality, people often assume that I’ve had an easy life, but nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve had my share of bad experiences, just like anyone else, but I don’t get angry easily. Honestly, I don’t understand why some people lash out at others when things don’t go their way. They should take a leaf out of my book and just chill out.

For example, I’m sure many of us have been unfortunate enough to deal with a cheating partner. My ex cheated on me multiple times, and with my best friend, no less. But did I get angry? No. In fact, when he finally dumped me, I wished him well by sending him an email from his own email account. I should definitely be commended for my incredible memory and observation skills, since I figured out his password on the second attempt. At the same time, I also sent an email with sensitive data to all his clients, while keeping his boss and the CEO in the loop. I heard that he was fired shortly after — something about data security breach. Since he lost his job, I guess that would give him more time to sleep around with other women, so that worked out well for him.

As for my so-called best friend, I wasn’t angry with her either. It’s not her fault that she seduced my ex. I mean, he was really hot. If I were her, I might be tempted, too, but of course, I would never betray my best friend. Multiple times, at that. I did think that she might be a little insecure to snatch someone else’s boyfriend. Perhaps she needed more male attention? So, I decided to help her by signing up a profile for her on Adult Friend Finder. Basically, it is a hookup website, but I suppose you can make friends there, depending on your definition of “friend”. Of course, I added her mobile phone number there, too. Hopefully, she will receive a lot of text messages and pictures from those sexy men online to boost her self-esteem. The poor girl has always needed validation from men to feel better about herself.

Speaking of low self-esteem, insecure women, my sister is definitely one of them. Her entire life revolves around her boyfriend. We live together, and she has no boundaries over our shared space and expenses. She only buys things that I don’t use, but when it comes to shared items, she expects me to purchase them. On her boyfriend’s birthday a few months ago, for the first time ever, she bought eggs for the sole purpose of baking him a cake. I was hungry at the time, and unlike her, I always ask before taking something that doesn’t belong to me, so I did just that. She said no. Anyone else would be angry but not me, of course. In fact, I even helped her with the baking preparation the night before his birthday. I took all the eggs that she bought, and hard-boiled them before putting them back in the fridge.

I have always been kind and generous like that. Before living with my sister, I had another roommate who also used my things without my permission. She even used all my expensive beauty and hair products. Of course, I didn’t get angry as I was, and still am, a caring and loving person. I still remember gifting her a really nice hair spray just before her job interview for a top accounting firm. She had been through two rounds of interviews before that, and was quite confident that she would receive a job offer after the third one. I could tell that the interviews were stressful for her as she seemed to have grey hairs sprouting everywhere overnight. So, I decided to surprise her by mixing in body glitter into the hair spray. By “mixing in”, I mean I replaced most of the product with glitter. I must say she looked really trendy with her glittery, new look. It’s a shame she didn’t get the job though, as she was late for the interview. Honestly, I don’t even understand why she attempted to remove the multicoloured glitter because it looked really good on her. She was really angry with me, and moved out shortly after. I guess she’s the type of person who doesn’t like surprises.

I had another friend who stopped talking to me for no reason, either. She was always late for our meet-ups. There were a few times when she was more than two hours late, and on one occasion, it was even my birthday. I couldn’t be angry with her though. We had known each other for a long time, and besides, maybe she had trouble telling the time. She might also have been preoccupied with her upcoming trip to Paris the next day. So, I offered to send her to the airport. She told me that she had to be at the airport by 10 am, but given the fact that she always mixed up the time by at least two hours, I figured she meant 12 pm instead. She kept insisting that it was 10 am but I stopped picking up her calls or reply to her texts because I didn’t want to aggravate her further. When I reached her house at 11 am, her roommate told me that she had already left. I heard that she missed her flight, but I don’t know for sure, since she had blocked my number. Until now, I still can’t really understand why she was angry with me.

There was another incident involving my coworker that equally baffled me. This lady was a real show-off, and had a few designer handbags which she rotated bringing to the office. She always made fun of my no-brand handbags, and made scornful remarks like how I should invest more in my appearance and style. My other coworkers were angry with her on my behalf, but I always kept my calm. One day, she brought this expensive white and gold handbag to the office, but the logo was really tiny so nobody noticed that it was an Hermès Birkin. She was clearly upset by it, so when she went to the bathroom, I decided to help her make it more noticeable by tracing the logo with my black permanent marker pen. For good measure, I even drew a circle and an arrow pointing to the logo so nobody could miss it. I was about to tell her that it was me who did it, but she was so angry that I decided not to. I couldn’t understand what that was all about, as clearly everyone could tell it was a designer bag from then on. I even heard our other coworkers whispering, “Look at Katie’s Birkin bag!”

Honestly, I feel that people should manage their anger in a better way. The latest incident that would have made others terribly angry but not me was when a guy didn’t text me back after a date. Was I even a little angry about it? Not really. In fact, I used it as an inspiration to write an article, which I will link below. Please read it if you haven’t already. I’m sure you’d like it.

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