SURREAL HUMOUR | THIS DID NOT HAPPEN TO ME | SATIRE | DISCUSSION
15 Actual Reasons Why He Didn’t Text You Back
Please refer to the kicker!
At the end of your second date with a guy, you finally mustered up the courage to let him know how you feel. Before leaving, he told you that he would call you soon. After three days of hearing the sound of crickets, which you figured had passed ‘soon’, you decided to just casually say ‘hi’ in a text. You checked your phone every five minutes and continued to do so for a week, but there was no reply from him. While nursing a repetitive strain injury on your wrist from repeatedly picking up the mobile phone, you had a nagging feeling that maybe he didn’t like you back.
Well, I’m here to tell you that that is simply not the case. After extensive research by tracking down and interviewing all fifteen guys who had seemingly fallen off the face of the earth after I confessed my feelings to them, I found out that most of the time, they were simply busy, and as time passed, it became increasingly awkward to text back. So, they didn’t. Here are the actual reasons why (some) guys don’t text back after you pour your heart out.
- His long lost best friend from kindergarten showed up at his door asking for advice on how to get his ex back. We all know how long it can take to listen to someone talk about their ex.
- He was reading a book titled “How To Text Someone Who Has Just Confessed Their Feelings to You”. The book was 986 pages long so it took a while.
- He accidentally mixed his white clothes with red in the laundry, turning everything pink, so he had to bleach each item back to white by hand. Also, he ran out of bleach, so he had to make multiple trips to the store. He purchased only small bottles each time to avoid wastage so in the end, he had to make at least five trips just to get enough bleach to restore his clothes.
- He felt the same way about you and decided to design a tattoo to symbolise your love. Since tattoos are permanent, he took his time to ensure that the design turned out perfect. You deserved nothing less. But sadly, he couldn’t make a decision even after a week.
- He was engrossed in a rom-com marathon, seeking inspiration from all the romantic one-liners to craft the perfect text reply to you.
- He was stuck in the office bathroom, not due to a faulty door, but because of an impromptu singing mob gathering right outside. He did not want to go viral on YouTube. When he was finally free, he was in such a traumatic state that he forgot to text you back.
- He was recruited as the official mascot for the water theme park. He had to wear a giant squid costume that made it nearly impossible to hold a phone, let alone send a text message.
- He went on a mission to climb Mount Everest to capture a selfie for you at the peak. His plan was to plant a flag adorned with both of your names and a pink heart as declaration of his love. It took more time than he had anticipated.
- He went to pick blueberries from the forest to make pure blueberry juice. The entire process took a while as he needed to collect enough blueberries to make fifty bottles. However, on his way back home with a basket full of blueberries, he accidentally dropped it and his dog ate about a quarter of them. This required him to go back and gather more. Once he had all the blueberries at home, he spent several days boiling them and allowing them to cool before transferring the juice into small glass bottles. He had actually made these for you but then after he was done, he remembered that you hated blueberries.
- He accidentally spilled hot coffee on his phone. Although it still functioned, the screen had blotches of purple all over it. He couldn’t bear the sight of the ugly screen. Unfortunately, he could only buy a new phone at the end of the month.
- He was waiting for the rain before replying to your text. He had planned to pick a fight with you via texting so that he could drive over to your house. Then you could kiss and make up just like in the movies. Unfortunately, it didn’t rain for a week.
- He had purchased cupcakes for you but realised too late that he had been given the wrong order. Instead of the cupcakes with pink heart icing toppings that he ordered, he received ones decorated with skulls and skeletons. He knew that you would dislike them, so he decided to donate the cupcakes to a nearby orphanage and baked his own instead. Unfortunately, his sister ate them before he could give them to you.
- He was watching reruns of The Martha Stewart Show every single morning to make the perfect Instagrammable breakfast for you. It was a particularly difficult recipe, so he had to put all his focus on it.
- He was busy crafting origami animals for you using tissue paper. Since they weren’t proper origami paper, it proved quite challenging to get them just right. Especially that darn origami cat with heart eyes.
- He couldn’t find his phone, even though he could hear the text message alert. After rummaging through his backpack for hours, he finally gave up. A week later, he found his phone wedged between two layers of fabric after cutting sections of the backpack.
Okay, confession time. These are not actual responses from the fifteen guys whom I interviewed. The real reason, as it turns out, is that all of them lost their phones along with my phone number on it. What are the odds, right?! They must have had sleepless nights thinking of ways to text me back. That’s too bad, I guess. At least now I know, and that could also be the reason why he hasn’t texted you back yet. So go on, keep texting him until you get a reply! I mean, of course, he is interested in me, I mean, you. Come on.
Now excuse me, I have to text my crush for the fifth time as he still hasn’t replied to my last four texts. He must be really busy! Maybe I should send him an email, too. Just in case he lost his phone or something.
Obviously, this article is a joke including the screenshot. Yes, I sent those messages to myself and even downloaded an app to resize the image, just for this post. (Buy me a coffee for my efforts, please!) Now, let’s have a serious discussion. If someone is ignoring* you after a date, PLEASE stop making excuses for them. Nobody is busy all the time. It literally takes two seconds to check in or at least reply to your messages. It simply means that you are at the bottom of their priority list or not even in the list at all. Even mindlessly liking Instagram photos of strangers is probably more important to them than you are.
It doesn’t matter if the date went really well. Maybe they were faking it, maybe they changed their minds, maybe they really had a lot going on in their lives or maybe it really was one of those fifteen absurd reasons mentioned above; who knows and who cares? It does not matter. If someone is being very clear that they want nothing to do with you now (regardless of how things were in the past), please just stop contacting them. Continuing to message them when they don’t reply is also very risky to your mental health. This is because they might get annoyed and tell you straight up that they are not interested in you and to leave them alone. Imagine if you receive such a message when you are already in a vulnerable state. It might just destroy you.
I am not a relationship guru but I know that the NC (no contact) method is very popular as an approach to regain someone’s interest. The idea is that if you stop messaging them, they will start missing you and come back to you. Personally, I do not agree with this because if someone is already actively ignoring you, how would you ignoring them back make them want you? More likely, they will just forget about you entirely. After all, out of sight, out of mind, no? Or am I missing something here? So, yes, the NC method can be useful for you to move on when someone is clearly showing you that they are not interested, but don’t do it with the hope that they will suddenly want you in their life because truthfully, they don’t. Because if they do, they wouldn’t have disappeared. It’s as simple as that.
*‘Ignoring’ in this context means a complete lack of communication for a significantly longer period than what both of you were used to, without letting the other person know in advance that they will not be available. Please manage your expectations because people can genuinely be extremely busy at times. So, while you might be freaking out, they might simply be overwhelmed with work or other commitments. Or they might actually be making origami cats.
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