SELF CARE | LIFE

I Hit Burnout and Had a Meltdown Over Some Tart-Tins

Sometimes it’s the smallest things that send us over the edge

Burnout is shit.

I have read lots of accounts of people experiencing writer’s burnout. Staying mindful to keep a check on my activity has kept that at bay.

But, for me, it wasn’t writer’s burnout. More mother’s burnout, and daughter’s burnout. And just the-one-who-never-complains-but-strives-to-always-be-a-rock burnout.

Before anyone else pipes in, yes, we can totally blame Mercury retrograde.

That usually explains everything. It threw everything at me in one week, catching me off-guard.

It caused all hospital involvement of significant people to happen in one given week. It caused technology to be a pain in the backside, transport issues to become more complicated, and all as I was attempting to be the perfect, supportive mum for my daughter to face her Food and Nutrition GCSE practical exam.

My burnout didn’t happen as a result of any one thing but of a run of seemingly unceasing obstacles and challenges.

It could have been being thrown out of the empty (and warm) waiting area of the hospital during the five hours I hung around one night this week for my dad to be checked, following a fall. That could have sent me over the cliff edge, but it didn’t.

Or it could have been the hours of driving, along with the juggling of childcare so that I could take him to the ER. But no worries because I got my five hours’ sleep, got up again, and cheerfully drove him to more hospital appointments.

It could even have been the relentless housework that three pets and two kids gives me that pushed me over the edge. Especially when life is busy, or when I find I have reduced hours of childcare, such as at this current time.

But it was none of those.

Instead, it was the moment of feeling like a failure of a parent when I realised, just as my daughter’s exam was starting, that she didn’t have her set of mini tart-tins for the dessert she was cooking for the exam!

They were sitting in our kitchen at home and it was these tart-tins that caused me to have a total meltdown.

I was utterly devastated

All I could see in my mind’s eye was her realising that she didn’t have everything for her exam. It broke me to think that she had worked so hard for weeks to get this right and have everything in hand, and now this…

We had worked together on perfecting her menu, her time plan, and the right nutritional balance of the meal she is cooking.

We ran through the process several times over.

I made sure I bought everything she needed, making sure that I picked up all the raw ingredients last minute so that they would be as fresh as possible.

We weighed and labelled everything the evening before. And then I checked the fridge several times over in the morning, to ensure that none of her containers of ingredients were left there.

And, after she had gone, I felt a deep sense of satisfaction that we had done it.

No, she had done it. But I had done everything I could to support her and make her feel confident that she would do well.

And then…just as she would have been going into her exam, I checked my phone and there was a message from her:

I couldn’t believe it!

We had tried so hard, done so much. Nothing was supposed to get in the way of getting this right.

It broke all of my resolve to hold it together, and the last of my energy left me.

Of course, it was merely a minor issue that was easily sorted with the help of her teacher.

Of course, she came home that afternoon beaming, because she had totally nailed the cooking of her meal, presented it beautifully, and even had ten minutes to spare before the time was up.

That evening, we sat down and ate vegetable curry and naan bread, followed by fresh fruit tarts, all prepared beautifully by my amazing daughter. And we celebrated her completing the first of her exams so triumphantly, especially given the challenges that she overcame with ease and grace.

But the contrast of this with how I had been feeling highlighted something else: that I was utterly exhausted and it was time to put some self-care first.

Reasons for self-care are never selfish

A couple of evenings ago, I had spoken to a good friend of mine in Texas.

Emily is one of those incredible women — highly intelligent, loving, kind, always supportive of her family and friends, hard-working, and, on top of it all, a writer of mind-blowing, beautiful poetry, and an incredible speaker. She is usually overworked and over-tired, and yet, will always have kind things to say to everyone.

We had one of those wonderful, mutually-lifting conversations where I told her how much I admired her ability to show compassion in some of the most challenging times, and she told me that I am “an island of gentleness” that is much needed in the world at the moment.

And, as well as that, she told me to go rest.

“We need you and we need what you have to give,” she said. “But we can’t have you if you’re depleted.”

An island of gentleness has to be gentle on herself too!

And so, today I am taking heed and spending a more restful time. I am also giving myself clear instructions, in case I forget that self-care is the mood of the moment.

They are as follows:

• Rest
• Rest some more
• Walk the dog, only as far as your body feels good to do (there’s always time for the mega hikes next week)
• Rest again
• Run a hot bath with some bath salts
• Follow that by getting into a warm bed with a book
• Listen to some uplifting music
• Eat fruit
• Do some writing…for a limited time
• Rest some more
• Do some reading…only things that I really want to read
• Do some tidying…just enough, not more
• Watch a feel-good movie
• Get to bed early

And then…when I feel a bit more recovered, keep doing this. Because there’s never any reason to stop focusing on self-care.

Self-care, when I am feeling more recovered, will also include…

• Taking time in the mornings for me and me alone, whether that means meditating, yoga, or a cup of tea and a book in bed.
• Long, unhurried walks up on the high moor with Ginger the dog.
• Early morning trips to the beach when the sun shines.

And, most importantly…

• Setting clear boundaries around “my time”, whenever it’s practical, and
• Saying “no” when I don’t need or want to say “yes”.

You get the picture.

The dis-ease of doing too much

Like many women (no offence, men, but I am speaking as the woman I am), I always feel this need to do more.

I don’t know where it comes from, but it’s as if I have to prove my worth by setting myself up with far more than I can manage. Does anyone else relate?

As women, we do have this tendency to take on many of the tasks involved with rearing children and running a household, because we know that we can get these things done. And I speak in plural because I have heard many women say that they feel this way, although, I am sure, I do not speak for all women.

It doesn’t help that there’s always more to be done. But, somehow, there is.

In 2020, when we were all first under house arrest, I remember thinking how nice it was to have time for myself instead of rushing around, like I seem to do most of the time. I began to implement a lovely morning routine and it kept me sane and in a pretty happy space for that year.

But then, I let life dictate that the new habits I had created just for me should slide. Here we are, in 2022, and it’s as if they were never there.

And so, today, I formally declare that I am permitted to…

Do Less!

Self-care has to come first.

We cannot care for others if we aren’t giving ourselves the same nurturing.

And we must fill our own cups before we fill the cups of others

Rant over!

Here’s to gentle self-nurturing!

And cheers to full cups🥂

This was written in response to the Yana Bostongirl’s prompt “How Do I Practice Self-Care?”

Here is a wonderful piece by Sahil Patel sharing his own experience and take on self-care:

And this gorgeous piece by Tamil on her glow routine will make you feel all glow-y inside:

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Here’s another from me on one of my favourite self-care practices of all: