I Had My Flakes to Eat and I Could Always Shit in My Hush Puppies to Scare Her Away

Summary

A humorous narrative unfolds about a person's encounter with a tiger named Tonia who is searching for Aimée Gramblin, a notorious "badass mama jama" known for her Twitter shenanigans, particularly for "shitposting" on a top writer in Keanu Reeves' timeline.

Abstract

The story begins with the protagonist enjoying a bowl of frosted flakes when a tiger, Tonia, interrupts their breakfast, seeking revenge on Aimée Gramblin for her online misbehavior. The protagonist, despite being a one-year-old at the time, is unfazed by the tiger's presence and even concocts a plan involving a GPS tracking device made from cereal to assist Tonia. Aimée is found casually eating leftover shrimps in the kitchen, seemingly oblivious to the chaos she's caused. The tale is a satirical take on viral content, with the author following a formula for success: a catchy title, a striking image, and a backward subtitle, as advised by Hogan. The story ends with a cliffhanger, requiring reader engagement in the form of claps to unlock the next part.

Opinions

The author playfully suggests that a sensational title and an unconventional subtitle, along with an eye-catching image, are key to creating viral content.
There is a humorous critique of the culture surrounding viral content on platforms like Medium and Twitter, particularly the practice of "shitposting" and its consequences.
The protagonist's nonchalant attitude towards the tiger and the situation reflects a tongue-in-cheek commentary on the absurdity of the narrative and perhaps the unpredictability of viral fame.
The mention of "top writer in Keanu Reeves" and the reverence for Keanu Reeves' timeline suggest a playful admiration for the actor and a satirical look at how social media elevates certain personalities.
The author seems to mock the seriousness with which some people approach social media interactions, especially when it comes to influencers and viral content creators.

Backward written is subtitle this

Hogan said I could write whatever I wanted and become viral as long as the title is dope, the picture a tiger, and the subtitle written backward.

So, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

It all began on a sunny day in September 1999. I was eating my frosted flakes with a silver spoon like any other one-year-old when a tiger entered the dining room. It was a female tiger, and she was carrying a water gun with her, the Chekhov kind.

I didn’t care. I had my flakes to eat, and I could always shit in my hush puppies to scare her away.

“The good day to you, Human,” she said.

“Don’t touch my frosted flakes, Tiger!” I shouted back.

I hadn’t read any articles on Medium back then and didn’t know a thing about self-confidence and self-love. Hence, the aggressive reply and tone.

You can’t hear the tone because you’re reading, but it sounds a bit like when your grandma discovers you’ve been using her denture to pick the cat poo in the litter.

“I ain’t here for frosted flakes. I’m looking for Aimée Gramblin,” was Tonia’s reply. Tonia is the tiger’s name. As I learned long after the events described here, she’s a third cousin removed of Tony.

“Aimée, the badass mama jama? What did she do again?”

“She shitposted on my friend’s Twitter timeline. He’s a top writer in Keanu Reeves. Can you imagine?”

“Do you want me to eat broccoli, or what? I can’t believe she did that!” I was shocked by Aimée’s behavior. If there’s one thing you don’t do on Twitter, it’s shitposting on Keanu Reeves’ Top Writers timelines. It’s like big big verboten.

The revelation left me speechless. All I could do was build a tracking GPS device with my flakes and give it to Tonia.

She didn’t have to go too far; Aimée was in the kitchen eating leftover shrimps.

End of part 1. 420 claps are needed to unlock part 2.

Smillew is a writer, a tweeter, a runner, and a huge fan of Keanu Reeves. He also enjoys tagging Hogan Torah in his articles. Some he does well, some not so well, but he still tries them all. You can follow him on Instagram if you can find him.