I Feel Stupid

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1403

Abstract

led it rapidly. I thought the same would happen to me. Technically, there wasn’t much to do; I had completed the probation back then but didn’t pay the fines. I forgot that my DUI happened ten years back and that the police might not be too happy I didn’t show up for all this time.</p><p id="4a85"><b>I contacted some old friends in Florida.</b></p><p id="ba14">Well, friends. We lost contact. Now I understand it was my fault. I didn’t want them to see me spiraling down. I was ashamed. They’re very well put. Strong. Their self-control and drive for a better life were and still are something to look up to. Something I didn’t have back then. Something I’m trying to build now.</p><p id="1114">But ten years ago, looking at them was looking at a deforming mirror. They were the perfect picture of what I could be if …if life were different. A perfect picture I couldn’t stand looking at. Each time I saw the picture, I was forced to compare myself to them, and the results weren’t in my favor. It was too much for my mind to take.</p><p id="9ab5"><b>I loved them so much!</b></p><p id="9362">But I couldn’t stand their self-righteousness. They were always right, and I was always wrong. They could have been a model and encouragement, but I wasn’t ready. Their light was blinding me.</p><p id="aa92">That’s also why I left as I did. So suddenly. Without taking care of this dumb DUI.</p><p id="7128">

Options

Ever so generous after all these years, they agreed to host me for a few days.</p><p id="136f">Bless them.</p><p id="d9fd"><i>I got inspired to write this after reading Joe Duncan’s following article:</i></p><div id="5fd0" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-great-responsibility-crisis-of-the-american-male-d50a1896a4ca"> <div> <div> <h2>The Great Responsibility Crisis of the American Male</h2> <div><h3>I’d like to see the bell curve of men and responsibility. Quick, someone give me a chart…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*dBF5v7jp6DJXePqMrXZ2lw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="ade3"><a href="undefined">Smillew<i></i></a><i> is a <a href="https://twitter.com/Smillew_Rahcuef">tweeter</a>, and <a href="https://readmedium.com/5-things-i-do-to-maintain-sexual-tension-in-my-marriage-6607f17f9ec0">a serial masturbator</a>. He also enjoys <a href="https://readmedium.com/yoga-gave-me-the-best-blowjob-of-my-life-b39907214d2a">yoga </a>and <a href="https://readmedium.com/from-0-to-150-steps-how-staircase-meditation-has-been-good-for-me-7671b438ac47">meditation</a>.</i></p></article></body>

Redemption? — part I

Ten years ago, I got a DUI and didn’t take care of it. I left Florida for Montana with my girl. We got married and divorced there. I lost jobs, found new ones.

Three months ago, I got lucky. I got a chance at redemption in the form of a fabulous boss. She took the time to listen and explain. She was the one that convinced me to start therapy and to sort out my life, step by step.

So, I decided to start with this DUI. I would go all the way, from ten years back to the present day. I would deal with and process everything that happened during these trying times.

I was so excited to start this new chapter in my life, you know? A blank page after so many dark chapters. I don’t write this to get your pity; I only want to set some context. I know we all have dark chapters in our books.

The excitement blinded me. I didn’t think things through. A friend of mine had a DUI recently and settled it rapidly. I thought the same would happen to me. Technically, there wasn’t much to do; I had completed the probation back then but didn’t pay the fines. I forgot that my DUI happened ten years back and that the police might not be too happy I didn’t show up for all this time.

I contacted some old friends in Florida.

Well, friends. We lost contact. Now I understand it was my fault. I didn’t want them to see me spiraling down. I was ashamed. They’re very well put. Strong. Their self-control and drive for a better life were and still are something to look up to. Something I didn’t have back then. Something I’m trying to build now.

But ten years ago, looking at them was looking at a deforming mirror. They were the perfect picture of what I could be if …if life were different. A perfect picture I couldn’t stand looking at. Each time I saw the picture, I was forced to compare myself to them, and the results weren’t in my favor. It was too much for my mind to take.

I loved them so much!

But I couldn’t stand their self-righteousness. They were always right, and I was always wrong. They could have been a model and encouragement, but I wasn’t ready. Their light was blinding me.

That’s also why I left as I did. So suddenly. Without taking care of this dumb DUI.

Ever so generous after all these years, they agreed to host me for a few days.

Bless them.

I got inspired to write this after reading Joe Duncan’s following article: