TRANSGENDER
I Didn’t See the Gendered Language Sign
Queerly Trans Writing Prompt: I saw the sign!
Posted as a response to Queerly Trans Writing Prompt: I Saw the Sign!
The signs really are everywhere — in photos, in stories, in memories. They were there, right in front of me, screaming at me to see them, and yet, I ignored every single one. Or rather, I was blocked from seeing or understanding them. Yes, that feels much more accurate because if I had been allowed to see them, I know, I would have.
Signs, Signs… Everywhere Signs
No one chooses to be trans. That is such an accurate statement, but no late-bloomer trans person chooses to be ignorant. And yet, we are — or were. We were ignorant because we were taught to be ignorant. It’s a tough and messy existence and I’m going to dare say it takes a bunch of childhood trauma followed by a later self-awareness and therapy to even begin to clean out that ignorance. Luckily, being trans in an ignorant world is just the recipe for trauma!
Anyone else?
No? Just me?
Sadly, I know that no, not just me. Anyway, this is in response to the Queerly Trans Publication writing prompt:
I saw the sign!
As we’ve established, I didn’t see the signs. Any of them. Like driving down a highway of billboards while fishing by my feet for a dropped pen (because writer), I missed them all. But now that I’m sitting back up, because let’s face it, how often do I use a pen anymore, I can look back at the dashcam, and OMG, there they were. Just because I didn’t see them or acknowledge them, doesn’t mean they were never there.
So I was thinking, do I list all the signs I can think of right now and risk tumbling into yet another rabbit hole of trauma and discovery, or just unpack one here?
If you started chanting rabbit hole, rabbit hole, you are evil, and I like you, but you are not prepared. If you said let’s unpack just one, you are either trans yourself, or smart enough to see where that was going — possibly both. And I agree, one will be plenty.
So, which one? Shall I grab a d20 and roll for trauma? I mean sign? Well, it’s the same thing, really. Wait, that’s way too much effort. I have to write a list and… I’m already over it. Yeah, clearly, today was not going to be conducive to a rabbit hole adventure.
How about this — let’s go with a sign that keeps coming up for me.
Gendered Language
Aunt/Aunty
Me (aged 13): I don’t want my neice to call me Aunty or aunt.
Mother/sister: They have to call you that.
Me: Why? Why can’t they just call me
?
Mother/sister: Because you are their aunty.
I told myself it was because ‘aunt’ felt too old. But what was my excuse when I was an adult and still signing cards with “AK” and still cringing every time one of my nieces called me Aunty? To be clear, I NEVER once told them to call me that, and in fact, often asked them not to, but I couldn’t compete with the sister (their mother) and mother (their grandmother) insisting.
NOW, I SEE THE SIGN!
Girlfriend
Me: I hate that word.
Boyfriend: Why?
Me: I don’t know, it sounds so juvenile.
Boyfriend: What do you want me to call you?
Me: Patner?
Boyfirend: Ok, what do you want to call me?
Me: Oh, I’ll call you boyfriend, that word’s fine.
NOW, I SEE THE SIGN!
Wife
Me: I hate that word.
Boyfriend: Why?
Me: I don’t know, it sounds so, old.
Boyfriend: What do you want me to call you?
Me: Patner?
Boyfirend: Ok, what do you want to call me?
Me: Oh, I’ll call you husband, that word’s fine.
NOW, I SEE THE SIGN!
Fiance
The three years we were engaged, were easy — I didn’t have a problem with being called fiance. How strange that I didn’t have a problem with an ungendered title!
NOW, I SEE THE SIGN!
Just one of the Flashing Neon Signs
Now that I’ve seen the signs, I have awareness. In some ways, it makes things much easier because I can now relate an experience I was never able to explain to a logic reason. On the flip side, awareness means that now, instead of just feeling a strange unexplainable pang of discomfort, I now know exactly what it is, and with that comes a new fear — to share it or not.
Just because I didn’t see them or acknowledge them, doesn’t mean they were never there.
The signs I am non-binary trans-masc were always there — always readily available and in view, I was just unable to see them, let alone comprehend them. But I get it now. I see the sign. Gendered language may just be words but language is powerful. Hell, I’m a writer, words are the only power!
