“I Didn’t Cheat on You.” Gee Thanks

Faithfulness doesn’t automatically make you a good partner, nor does it excuse abusive behavior.

“I was a good boyfriend,” my first boyfriend (let’s call him Billy) said with a confident grin.

Five years after we broke up, we found ourselves in the same city, so we decided to grab a coffee. After half an hour of small talk, we reflected on our past, year-long relationship.

At Billy’s comment, I arched an eyebrow, incredulous.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” He asked, exuding the same boyish charm he had when we were younger. Back then, I felt weak in the knees whenever he looked at me like that.

Not anymore.

Straightening my spine, I finally voiced all the things younger, inexperienced me had holed up inside for fear Billy would call things off. “You were an awful boyfriend! You never kept your promises. You always stood me up. You ignored my texts — and trust me, I knew you were ignoring me. Remember Blackberry’s R (Received)?”

My hands shook with the resentment that had been festering for years. “You even broke up with me because I dared tell you that not keeping your promises wasn’t ok!”

Tears filled my eyes. Tears of rage and sorrow and all the emotions in between.

Still, Billy just parted his lips, the picture of innocence. That’s when he uttered the stupidest words I’ve ever heard: “I was a good boyfriend. I didn’t cheat on you.”

Hold my purse.

Faithfulness Doesn’t Automatically Make You a Good Partner

I won’t sugarcoat the truth: Most people cheat.

According to recent infidelity statistics, about 40% of unmarried relationships and 25% of marriages see at least one infidelity incident. An issue of Marriage and Divorce journal also stated that 70% of all Americans engage in some kind of affair during their marital life.

In other words, it seems cheating is the norm and not the exception — what Billy was probably thinking when he said he was a good boyfriend just because he didn’t cheat (really?)

Now, let’s assume Billy was telling the truth and he was faithful during our year-long relationship. Does that automatically make him a good partner?

To answer, I’ll refer back to one of my recent posts: “13 Tiny-Yet-Toxic Habits That Can Kill Your Relationship.” In it, I explain what relationship expert, John M. Gottman, deems as relationship-killers, and what are the tiny things that actually make you a good partner.

Spoiler alert: Faithfulness isn’t on the positive’s list.

Why? Because faithfulness in a monogamous relationship is supposed to be a given. Not a plus. Though modern statistics show faithfulness is the exception, it doesn’t automatically make you a good partner.

Being there when your partner needs you. Keeping your promises. Saying appreciative things to brighten your partner’s day. Helping your partner pursue their dreams. Giving an encouraging call when your partner has a big meeting.

Those are some of the little things that make you a good partner in a monogamous relationship — not faithfulness.

Faithfulness Doesn’t Excuse Abusive Behavior

I didn’t get upset with Billy’s argument because I didn’t believe he was faithful. Five years had already passed. I wouldn’t have cared if he told me he’d had dozens of affairs.

What bothered me is that he genuinely believed his faithfulness excused his neglectful behavior. He thought I should forget about the nights I spent crying and just be grateful he didn’t cheat.

Worse, he isn’t alone.

Many of my friends often complain about their partner’s bad behavior, which is sometimes inexcusable. But then they perk up and say, “You know what? He’s still a great boyfriend. He’s never cheated on me.”

Sis, you’re in a monogamous relationship.

If I had to choose between a non-monogamous but respectful relationship and one with a faithful but abusive partner, I would choose the former a thousand times.

Abusive behavior is never acceptable. Our partners should always be kind and respectful. That’s the bare minimum.

Billy, We Live in the Twenty-First Century; I Don’t Have To Applaud Your “Faithfulness”

One of the most amazing changes in modern times is the rise of new, diverse relationship types: open marriages, polyamory, friends with benefits, and many others.

Nowadays, if someone can’t or doesn’t want to be faithful, they can choose non-monogamy and leave monogamy for those who only want a single partner — and who don’t believe being faithful deserves an award.

So here’s a message for the Billies of the world: Just because you’re faithful in the monogamous relationship you chose doesn’t automatically make you a good partner, nor does it excuse bad behavior.

Billy, we live in the twenty-first century; I don’t have to applaud your “faithfulness.”