Netflix’s New Steamy Show Teaches Us That Having An Affair Is the Only Way To Feel Satisfied In Our Marriages
Warning: ranty spoilers ahead.
Netflix’s new steamy series, Sex/Life, is like Fifty Shades of Grey on steroids for married women. Why? Because it deals with a question we all ask ourselves at one point or another: What happened to the girl I was before?
As a married woman myself, the premise ensnared me:
Billie Connelly, a suburban wife who seems to have it all, feels discontent with her life. Though she loves her faithful — and super hot — husband (Cooper) and well-behaved kids, she can’t help but wonder what happened to the girl she was, the girl who loved to party, the girl who loved sex.
As Billie says, her suburban life makes her happy 85% of the time. But there’s that nagging 15%, that little voice in her head that whispers: It’s not enough.
As a coping mechanism, Billie externalizes her frustrations through a journal. Night after night, she writes about her feelings, but most of all, about her ex-boyfriend (Brad) and their vibrant sex. Though Billie knows theirs was a turbulent relationship, she can’t help but long for the sense of adventure she felt with Brad.
To her, Cooper is the husband who stays no matter what, her safe haven, while Brad is her drug.
Then, two unthinkable things happen:
- Cooper accidentally reads Billie’s journal, making him realize his wife isn’t happy with their marriage.
- Billie and Brad bump into each other, their chemistry as intoxicating as before.
These two events send Billie’s suburban life into chaos. She starts to question her marriage, her past decisions, and even her identity. Meanwhile, Cooper falls into a downward spiral of jealousy and self-doubt.
For seven episodes (spoilers ahead), we accompany Billie and Cooper as they unravel what isn’t working in their marriage and themselves. We grit our teeth as Billie fights against her addictive attraction for Brad, who says he’s changed, who says he’s finally ready for a committed relationship.
Then comes the final episode.
It opens with Brad asking Billie to marry him. Though Billie imagines a life together would be amazing, she declines, stating she loves her suburban life and isn’t willing to quit it. Billie then decides to fight for her marriage, convincing Cooper they still have a future.
Finally, after eight episodes, it seems that their marriage is the healthiest and strongest it’s ever been. A happy ending, right?
Not so fast.
In the last 10 minutes, Billie speaks with her closest friend about marriage and comes to her ultimate realization: Her marriage isn’t enough.
Heart pounding, she goes to Brad’s apartment and says: “I’m not leaving my husband. This changes nothing. Now, fuck me.”
The end.
My eyes bulged open for a good twenty minutes after the credits ended, a question pounding in my head: So the secret to feeling satisfied in your marriage is… having an affair?
I. Don’t. Buy. It.
Billie, I Feel You — But No
Though I don’t live in a huge house or have a husband with a six-pack, Billie’s inner turmoil felt extremely relatable.
Though I’ve been married for a short time, I already feel a weird longing whenever my single friends share their romantic adventures. As they explain how excited they were when the guy they liked texted them back, my gut tightens with desire.
Like Billie, though I love my husband, a tiny part of me wishes I could be there with my friends, meeting new guys and letting the night take crazy turns.
Like Billie, I too sometimes wonder: What happened to the girl I was before?
This is especially true after this pandemic. Maybe I’m the only one, but isolation has aged me internally. Though only a year and a half has passed, to me, it somehow feels like five or more.
I want to feel young again — but that doesn’t mean I should have an affair.
Nowadays, there are plenty of relationship types to choose from. And I, in my full mental capacities, chose monogamy.
Now, that doesn’t mean I have to be in a monogamous relationship my entire life. We all know of someone who’s opened their marriage or tried something different. But as shown in Netflix’s show, unless you take this non-monogamous step with your partner, you will hurt them and your relationship (usually irrevocably).
Monogamy is a choice. Perhaps in some parts of the world, it still isn’t. But in our Western societies, it is.
That’s why — though I probably sound naive and stupidly romantic — I can’t condone Billie’s affair.
If she loves Cooper as much as she claims, how can she willingly put him through so much pain? If Cooper tells her he’s open to seeking new ways to inject desire into their marriage (they even go to a sex party in episode 7), why can’t she meet him halfway?
If she chose monogamy during the sex party (she feels uncomfortable when a woman goes down on Cooper), why does she go to her ex-boyfriend to have an affair?
Regardless of your gender, this seems wrong. It seems selfish, the antithesis of love.
There Are Many Ways To Reignite Desire
The main problem with Cooper and Billie’s relationship is their waning desire, not only for each other but for life itself.
Billie misses her adventures. Misses her wild laughs and decisions. Misses the drunken nights and tale-worthy dates.
I can totally relate. Getting married and having children shouldn’t mark the end of your desire for life and sex. It shouldn’t force women to exclusively become caregivers and homemakers.
But an affair isn’t the only way to reignite desire. Worse, though it’s a quick solution, it can often backfire.
So, what can we do if we’ve chosen monogamy?
Well, I’m no expert, and I’m sure there are a thousand more ways than the ones that come to my mind right now, but, first, we should have a serious conversation with our spouse if we feel discontent in our marriage.
In fact, let me share with you a little-known secret: Netflix’s Sex/Life is actually based on a book called 44 Chapters About 4 Men, which is based on the author’s real life.
Like Billie, B. B. Easton detailed her previous steamy relationships with four tattooed men in her journal (which later became the book) because she felt her marriage lacked intimacy.
“The man is at least ninety percent perfect for me,” she wrote about her husband in the first diary entry, “but lately, all I can think about is the less-than-or-equal-to-ten percent that’s missing: passion and body art. Two things I need to mourn and move on from in order to protect my lovely, monotonous marriage. But I can’t.”
Like Billie, Easton’s husband found her journal, and this prompted them to explore new ways to inject passion into their marriage.
Unlike Billie, though, Easton and her husband didn’t resort to cheating. Five years have passed and they’re happily married after working on reviving the spark.
However, in hindsight, Easton says she wishes she’d just spoken with her husband. Though she didn’t cheat on him, having to read all those stories about her exes hurt him.
In short, if you feel like your marriage is stagnant, do what marriage expert John M. Gottman suggests: Work on your marital friendship and break out of the routine. Buy a copy of his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, or seek out help to get your marriage into shape.
That said, sometimes speaking with your spouse isn’t enough. Sometimes, no matter what you do, you still feel as though a part of yourself is missing, much like Billie.
In those cases, I believe that to reignite desire, you have to work on yourself. Like Sarah Shahi (the actress who portrays Billie) said in an interview, Billie isn’t really fighting to reignite the desire in her relationship, but to regain a part of herself. She’s fighting to be the suburban wife and mother — and the desirable woman who loves sex.
“A lot of people go, ‘Is it Team Cooper? Is it Team Brad?’” Shahi says. “I’ve always been on Team Billie. I refute the notion of being able to find yourself or define yourself as a woman through a man. I hope as the series continues, that’s what Billie starts to find. She can be this version of herself without any guy.”
Who you are isn’t defined by the people you’re with. That’s why the second way to reignite desire — this time within yourself — is to find what activities and experiences make you feel like the person you were. And for that, you need no one but yourself.
Life Is About the Choices We Make
After a while, marriage can feel monotonous. And even if you talk with your spouse to revive the intimacy or start doing activities that make you feel alive (without hurting your partner), it will probably never feel as exhilarating as a first touch, first kiss — first anything.
Though trite, you can’t have your cake and eat it too.
Life is about the choices we make.
True, some days I wish I was single. Some days I imagine I’m out with my friends, meeting new people and falling in love. Some days I can’t help but understand why people cheat.
But I ultimately choose my husband.
I would rather have someone who wakes me up every day with a smile. Someone who is there for me in my brightest and darkest times. Someone who stays by my side in those days I’m boring even to myself.
For better or worse (and even if it makes me foolish), I choose monogamy, and though that doesn’t mean I won’t fight with everything I’ve got to keep passion a part of my marriage, I won’t risk losing the beauty of a monotonous routine for wild sex.
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