I Am Worthy Of My Own Love

When helping others means loving yourself first.

I work for nonprofits. My field of expertise is focused almost exclusively on nonprofits. I’ve worked for over a decade at a variety of nonprofits doing a variety of things for a variety of people.

Homeless orphans? Been there. Low-income grade-schoolers? Done that. People with disabilities who can’t care for themselves? That was my first job.

Okay, I know I’m being a little glib, but I’ve sort of dedicated myself to doing good things. My job in fundraising is focused on making sure that the programs that serve people who need them are funded. I’ve raised millions of dollars to keep these programs operating every year.

This does fantastic things for my sense of self-worth. The job I do is important. I can see the people it helps every day. I hear their stories. I see the number we serve every year and think, they couldn’t have done that without me.

Yeah, it does give me a little bit of an ego, but I’m quick to remind people that my work is a team effort. Without all the program directors and managers who help me write grants and the front-line staff who do the actual work, I would be nothing.

I do my best to extend this line of service work into my life. I give money to the nonprofit I work for as well as a few others. I volunteer as a speaker on behalf of people with mental health diagnoses. I am active on advocacy committees.

I also donate money to individuals who need it. Through a friend, I am connected, often anonymously, with people for whom a few hundred dollars makes the difference. I rarely see that money back, but I am assured that it makes a difference.

In life, I try to be kind to everyone. I tip well. I smile at the cashier who’s had a rough day. I thank the guy who cleans my office building for his hard work. Even at my worst, I strive to not be a jackass.

All in all, I try to love as much as possible. I love my wife, my friends, all of my adopted family, hell, even my estranged biological family. I assume the best of people in most situations.

I know that it sounds like I’m building myself up to be a paragon of virtue. I assure you, there are people far better than I who do far more. Honestly, I think of myself as kind of a garbage person.

That’s the problem.

I do my best to give of myself every day that I can. Working for nonprofits. Doing good deeds. Not being a jackass. These are small things that add up in my book. I strive to be the best person I can be and love everyone.

Why can’t I love myself?

All I see in myself are flaws. I’m greedy. I’m selfish. I’m dumb. Honestly, I call myself dumb so often that my wife has taken to demanding that I say three good things about myself on the spot when I do it. I hate doing it, but it does help.

I got into a situation where I felt forced to spend a large amount of money on someone close to me. I was having a difficult time with it, to say the least. While I knew that it was the right thing to do, I resented the person I was doing it for.

I’m doing it because I love them, I would tell myself. I love them and it’s the right thing to do. And yet, I was frustrated and angry about the whole thing.

A friend of mine, upon hearing of my situation, asked why I was so worked up. I vented that I felt like I had to take care of the situation. He reminded me that I only have to take care of myself, and maybe my wife.

That triggered something in my head. Why wasn’t I worthy of the same love that I showed to others? Why did I have to put everyone else before myself? Why wasn’t I considering my feelings in all of this?

A few different pieces of advice began circling my consciousness over the next few days. My veteran friend periodically reminds me that I am not required to set myself on fire to keep someone else warm. That I need to take care of myself before I can take care of others. That the right to self-care and self-defense is never denied.

My wife, on the other hand, reminded me that you can’t pour from an empty cup. That if your own energy reserves are empty, you can’t dedicate energy to helping someone else. That you can’t give someone spoons you don’t have.

From these pieces of advice, I drew the conclusion that I was not showing myself the same love I showed others. That I am as worthy of my love as the others I regularly share my love with.

I’m not saying you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. As previously stated, I considered myself a garbage person (and sometimes still do). And yet in spite of that, I was capable of loving so many other people.

Hell, sometimes we love others because we can’t love ourselves right now. It’s a variant of giving someone the shirt off your back. “I don’t deserve this shirt, but you can use it. Please, take it.”

What I am saying is that you should consider yourself worthy of your own love. Life feels like a dumpster fire sometimes, and sometimes we feel worthless. Some of us feel that way a lot of the time.

Sometimes, however, we need to love ourselves. It may not feel like we’re good enough to deserve love from anyone. But we should all at least try to love ourselves at least a little bit.

I’ve known a few people who reflexively give more than they have. These are people who will bend over backward to help someone they don’t know while neglecting their own health and welfare. They may not think very highly of themselves, but they’re there for you in a pinch.

They give love even when they have very little to give. And every single one of them, without fail, gives much more love when they feel loved.

For many people, the love we get is multiplied and given out in greater quantities than we originally received. Being able to love yourself, feeling like you are worthy of your own love, can make a huge difference in the love that you give.

Remember that you are worthy of love, both your own and that of others. Surround yourself with people who think that you are worthy of their love, show them love, and let them love you in return. Let them remind you that you can love yourself, and remind them that they can love themselves.

For those in the midst of depression, show them a little extra love. It’s hard to love ourselves when we’re depressed, and sometimes we need a little reminder that we aren’t garbage people. A little love and support can go a long way.

One of my goals for the new year is to remember that I am worthy of love. When other people show me love, they don’t just want something in return. They love me for a reason. And for that reason, I am capable of loving myself.

Love yourself. You are worthy. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.