Self-Care for You and Me: How To Take Care of Yourself When You Have a Chronic Illness (Or Not)

A guide to self-care for everyone.

Self-care is (or should be) an important part of everyone’s life. As a basic definition, self-care is the act of taking care of one’s self to ensure good mental health. There are a lot of things one can do for self-care: exercise, fresh air, sunshine, meditation, food, a quiet night in, cuddling, sex, a good book, a spa day, tea, the possibilities are pretty much endless.

Self-care is incredibly important when you have a mental or physical illness or disability. When you are low on spoons, you need to figure out how to best regenerate spoons (or keep from losing more) when you have time to yourself.

Life has a tendency to eat away at your spoons, and you find your daily reserves getting lower and lower as stress and depression eat away at you. Self-care is taking that weekend day or the day off to take care of yourself and add to your spoons.

Everyone’s idea of self-care is different. For me, I am an introvert, so spending a quiet day by myself or with my wife is a pretty common form of self-care. There are also times where small, intimate gatherings with friends over dinner with no expectations or cares can be a form of self-care.

I personally like curling up on the couch with my wife and some good food, be it takeout or homemade comfort food, a fresh-baked pan of brownies or a pint of ice cream. This has not helped my waistline.

Sometimes, this involves reading a book or browsing Facebook on my phone, other times it involves catching up on one of our favorite shows or watching goofy videos on YouTube. It just depends.

I have found that for me, there are two types of self-care: passive and active. Passive self-care requires no spoons and is additive. Those are the days where I have no obligations and lay around the house all day, being lazy and doing very little, possibly taking a nap. I pet my cats, I cuddle with my wife, I watch TV or read stuff on my phone, and I generally do jack-all.

It’s the sort of stereotypical “curled up on the couch with a pint of ice cream” self-care. This kind of self-care is good in a pinch and helps replenish my spoons when I am very low. There is a certain level of self-loathing and depression in this, as you sort of feel like a lump, but it’s ultimately a net positive.

Active self-care requires an input of spoons and is multiplicative. This is taking a day and going to the spa, walking around the antique mall with your partner, spending the day at the art museum, catching dinner with a few close friends you haven’t seen in awhile, or taking a long shower and spoiling yourself with the good face scrub that’s too expensive to use regularly.

This self-care takes some spoons to initiate, but the number of spoons you put in can be multiplied exponentially. This is the self-care that makes you feel truly refreshed at the end.

I know it sounds like you should always go for active self-care because it’s so much better, but there’s a place for both. Personally, I have used passive self-care to make it through to a point where I was more prepared to do active self-care.

Sometimes, you don’t even think about active self-care because you’re so mired in shit that it doesn’t even register. There’s nothing wrong with that — sometimes, you have to do what gets you through. If that means a lazy day in bed on your phone, go for it.

One thing you have to try to avoid is doing more harm than good or doing long-term harm in favor of short-term good. I am hugely guilty of this when I do passive self-care. I have a bad tendency to put off chores and eat garbage foods and laze around the house with no active movement all day.

This is not healthy behavior in the long run, and you need to try to be conscious of how much of this you do. You also need to make sure that you aren’t harming anyone with your self-care. I feel like that goes without saying, but just because you’re having a rough time and need to take a day off doesn’t entitle you to be a shitty person.

Try to treat your partner or wife with respect and dignity, and don’t deride or belittle them because they want you to do something you don’t want to do. Hopefully, you are clear with your partner on what self-care looks like to you and when you need some self-care, but you shouldn’t abandon your partner or kids in the name of taking a mental health day.

That said, a partner can help facilitate self-care as well. I personally get a lot of comfort out of physical touch, and spending the day cuddling in bed is a nice way to bond with your partner and get some self-care. Hugging, kissing, and sex are all good ways to get a rush of endorphins that will help boost your mood a bit.

If you don’t have a human partner, spending time petting and cuddling your pets can be a legitimate substitute. For whatever reason, petting a furry creature is really nice.

Sometimes, a partner can also give you a little motivation to do a little more intensive self-care. I’ve been taking quick weekend showers the past month because we’ve been so busy, but my wife encouraged me to spend a long time doing all the cleansing and scrubbing and conditioning that I never seem to have time to do.

Honestly, it was great, and I periodically forget how good it feels to pamper myself. I then used an under-eye treatment to help with some of the bags and shadows that have accumulated in the past three months and sprawled out on the floor to do some long-neglected stretches. All in all, I think I spent over an hour doing some basic physical self-care that I didn’t think I had time for and wouldn’t have done without my wife’s encouragement.

Honestly, sometimes you need someone to kick you in the butt when it comes to being good to yourself. My wife will periodically remind me that I don’t have to go do things with friends if I don’t have the spoons, and will occasionally buy takeout when I don’t have the energy to cook.

She encourages me to take a walk when I’m texting from the office that I’m feeling crummy, and she greets me at the door with a hug and a kiss. She also knows when I need time to myself and will get out of the house for a few hours if I need to be alone.

What I’m getting at is that the people living with you should have a role in your self-care. Sometimes, they will help you take care of yourself. Sometimes, they just need to get out of the way. Be upfront with them about what you need, and be a good housemate and help them do their own self-care, and you’ll all be better off.

Generally speaking, I don’t recommend using any kind of substance like alcohol, nicotine, marijuana, or anything else with the possible exception of caffeine, and even then I’d limit that. I feel like chasing some kind of altered state isn’t the most healthy means of self-care and can lead to dependence, addiction, and the things that come with them.

In my mind, it’s along the lines of letting the substance do the self-care for you, and I feel like that can have negative effects in the long term, and even the short term. I’m a huge caffeine junkie, but I don’t particularly care for the idea of getting wired to chase a high, even a low-impact one, on a day I am taking to relax and unwind. One cup of good coffee is one thing, a pot of Death Wish coffee is another.

Ultimately, we all need self-care. It’s incredibly important when you live with a chronic or mental illness, but it’s also important for people who just work stressful jobs or are having a hard time. Self-care should be a regular occurrence for everyone, regardless of illness or stress levels.

What you do for self-care will be unique to you. Whether it’s spending a night at the club, a weekend at the spa, or an evening curled up with a book, you need to be good to yourself in your own way. Don’t hurt anyone, do your best to minimize any harm to yourself, and take care of yourself.