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Abstract

elt like I fit into my family. I tend toward quiet introversion, so the loud gatherings made me uncomfortable. My father is an especially loud and charismatic person who is the textbook definition of an extrovert.</p><p id="24cd">I think that is the root of much of my issue. My father did his best to teach me how to be happy, but he taught me how he knows how to be happy. Having an extrovert teach an introvert about how to be happy doesn’t work well.</p><p id="e11c">I think, to some degree, he expected that level of happiness from me at family gatherings. Only in the last few years did I figure out how much I hated those gatherings.</p><p id="c9c5">When I told him how much I hated them, he said he didn’t realize that and I always seemed happy. I don’t think he understands that I didn’t realize it either. I tried my best to be happy at those gatherings, and the fact that I didn’t feel happy made me uncomfortable. It took a decade of these feelings and some outside forces to realize that, though I thought I was happy, I really wasn’t. That was the source of my discomfort.</p><p id="4472">***</p><p id="c37c">So now I’m in my 30s and having to learn how to be happy again. Or maybe for the first time, since I didn’t seem to get it earlier in my life.</p><p id="2185">What is it that makes me happy? What can I do to be a happier person?</p><p id="8bc3">I think that I’ve been figuring this out unconsciously over the past few years. Separating from my family has forced me to reevaluate my life and everything about it. For so long I identified as part of my biological family. Now I don’t have that, and I’ve been forced to figure out who I actually am.</p><p id="a649">I’m learning which of my family traditions that I liked and which I didn’t. I’m learning how to have a relationship with a strong male figure without feeling dominated by them. I’m figuring out how to live with a chosen family instead of a biological one.</p><p id="eec6">I think that this is one of the next steps in my journey away from my family. I felt like so much of my life and happiness was tied up in my family that I didn’t know what to do without them. Now that I’m a few years removed and a little more aware of it, I can start mapping out my own happiness.</p><p id="7e61">It’s a mixed bag so far. The first year away from my family, I was miserable. The holidays sucked and everything was terrible and I was a monster to everyone around me.</p><p id="5c9d">The second year, last year, was fantastic. I truly enjoyed the holidays for the first time in my adult life. There was no mandatory anything. I was free to define the holidays the way I wanted, and so, free of the family pressure, I was able to have a little fun.</p><p id="344e">I discovered that I enjoy being with the people I love, but I also enjoy having some quiet time away from those people. I discovered that I enjoy giving presents freely rather than being obligated to. I discovered the joy of doing something selfless for Christmas Day rather than just having another party.</p><p id="6e5e">So far, this year hasn’t been as good as last year, but it’s still enjoyable. There’s a lot of other stuff going on right now, so I’ve been st

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ressed out a bit more than last year, but I’m not anxious over the actual holidays. That’s a refreshing change of pace.</p><p id="8316">***</p><p id="8872">I wonder how many people don’t know how to be happy. How many people grew up without learning how to be happy, or learned from someone who taught them a prescribed way that doesn’t fit with them, or grew up in a crappy environment where they never had the chance to learn.</p><p id="0407">I think it’s never too late to learn how to be happy. I’m in my 30s and having to learn it, but learning how to be happy is something that anyone at any age can do.</p><p id="93c0">It’s different for everyone, of course. You can try to find a teacher, but much of the journey will be self-guided. There is no one way to be happy, after all.</p><p id="508c">You can start the process at any point. The holidays are supposed to be a season of happiness, but so many people talk about the stress and anxiety and depression that the holidays bring that I’m starting to wonder. Maybe, this year, your gift to yourself can be the first step on the path to finding happiness.</p><p id="4b5a">In the past few years, I’ve been finding my own happiness for the holidays, and now I need to find my own happiness for the rest of my life as well. For so long, I thought I was doing it wrong. Turns out I was just walking somebody else’s path. Now it’s time to find my own.</p><div id="8b59" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/anywhere-but-home-for-the-holidays-a4b40c8aeb46"> <div> <div> <h2>Anywhere But Home For The Holidays</h2> <div><h3>Depression, family drama, and low-key emotional abuse over turkey</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*ctRJygnhxUvJA5dA)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="6d2b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/my-fathers-love-is-incompatible-with-me-48b71a70a505"> <div> <div> <h2>My Father’s Love is Incompatible with Me</h2> <div><h3>And that’s okay.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*NZHiNkaqQk59SORF)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="d3a6" class="link-block"> <a href="https://medium.com/@maniaci.matthew/when-you-cant-stand-the-family-you-love-632d80f25dcb"> <div> <div> <h2>When You Can’t Stand the Family You Love</h2> <div><h3>You go somewhere else for the holidays.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*3QY6xMs7OXYUeEy3)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

I Never Learned How To Be Happy

And I suspect a lot of other people didn’t either.

Right now, it’s winter, and my seasonal depressive symptoms are kicking in. On top of that, there is a lot of history and bad memories associated with this time of year. Generally speaking, I feel like garbage lately.

It was this garbage feeling that led me to reach out to a friend of mine to vent. I vented about a lot of stuff: trauma, random crises that have continually popped up over the past several years, family stuff, and my relationship with my wife. I was angsty about a lot of stuff.

My friend, being a wise man, helped me work through some of the crap in my head. Along the way, he made a comment that stuck with me. I asked why I can’t seem to get my head on straight and why I can’t just be happy with what I have.

He told me that Hallmark is a myth, that the sort-of happily-ever-after stuff doesn’t ever work out like that in real life. He also told me something else that struck me and made me stop and think.

He said I was never taught to be happy so I assume that I’m doing it wrong.

I had never considered that before. I figured that everyone knew how to be happy. It never occurred to me that being happy was a learned behavior.

The more I thought about it, the more sense it made. I spent so much of my tweens and teens just surviving that I lost the feeling of happiness and never properly learned how to achieve it. There wasn’t much time to be happy when your brain is telling you to kill yourself.

It made me wonder how many other people never learned how to be happy. How many people are spending their lives just seeking some vague feeling of happiness that they’ve never been able to fully grasp?

For me, I don’t think I ever spent the time to figure out what I need to be happy. What, exactly, goes into my own personal happiness? What does it take to make me happy?

I know that I’ve struggled with that around the holidays every year. Before cutting off communication with my family, I had to endure the family Thanksgiving and Christmas. I hated it.

They were loud, raucous events with lots of drinking and storytelling, with a lot of people crammed into a small space with no escape. I was generally made to interact with everyone in the group, and the premise of hiding for a while to recover wasn’t tolerated.

These gatherings never made me happy. Unfortunately, I had to go to them, and all my family seemed happy, so I assumed I was doing something wrong because I hated them so much. Obviously, everyone else is having fun, so there’s something wrong with me in particular.

I never really felt like I fit into my family. I tend toward quiet introversion, so the loud gatherings made me uncomfortable. My father is an especially loud and charismatic person who is the textbook definition of an extrovert.

I think that is the root of much of my issue. My father did his best to teach me how to be happy, but he taught me how he knows how to be happy. Having an extrovert teach an introvert about how to be happy doesn’t work well.

I think, to some degree, he expected that level of happiness from me at family gatherings. Only in the last few years did I figure out how much I hated those gatherings.

When I told him how much I hated them, he said he didn’t realize that and I always seemed happy. I don’t think he understands that I didn’t realize it either. I tried my best to be happy at those gatherings, and the fact that I didn’t feel happy made me uncomfortable. It took a decade of these feelings and some outside forces to realize that, though I thought I was happy, I really wasn’t. That was the source of my discomfort.

***

So now I’m in my 30s and having to learn how to be happy again. Or maybe for the first time, since I didn’t seem to get it earlier in my life.

What is it that makes me happy? What can I do to be a happier person?

I think that I’ve been figuring this out unconsciously over the past few years. Separating from my family has forced me to reevaluate my life and everything about it. For so long I identified as part of my biological family. Now I don’t have that, and I’ve been forced to figure out who I actually am.

I’m learning which of my family traditions that I liked and which I didn’t. I’m learning how to have a relationship with a strong male figure without feeling dominated by them. I’m figuring out how to live with a chosen family instead of a biological one.

I think that this is one of the next steps in my journey away from my family. I felt like so much of my life and happiness was tied up in my family that I didn’t know what to do without them. Now that I’m a few years removed and a little more aware of it, I can start mapping out my own happiness.

It’s a mixed bag so far. The first year away from my family, I was miserable. The holidays sucked and everything was terrible and I was a monster to everyone around me.

The second year, last year, was fantastic. I truly enjoyed the holidays for the first time in my adult life. There was no mandatory anything. I was free to define the holidays the way I wanted, and so, free of the family pressure, I was able to have a little fun.

I discovered that I enjoy being with the people I love, but I also enjoy having some quiet time away from those people. I discovered that I enjoy giving presents freely rather than being obligated to. I discovered the joy of doing something selfless for Christmas Day rather than just having another party.

So far, this year hasn’t been as good as last year, but it’s still enjoyable. There’s a lot of other stuff going on right now, so I’ve been stressed out a bit more than last year, but I’m not anxious over the actual holidays. That’s a refreshing change of pace.

***

I wonder how many people don’t know how to be happy. How many people grew up without learning how to be happy, or learned from someone who taught them a prescribed way that doesn’t fit with them, or grew up in a crappy environment where they never had the chance to learn.

I think it’s never too late to learn how to be happy. I’m in my 30s and having to learn it, but learning how to be happy is something that anyone at any age can do.

It’s different for everyone, of course. You can try to find a teacher, but much of the journey will be self-guided. There is no one way to be happy, after all.

You can start the process at any point. The holidays are supposed to be a season of happiness, but so many people talk about the stress and anxiety and depression that the holidays bring that I’m starting to wonder. Maybe, this year, your gift to yourself can be the first step on the path to finding happiness.

In the past few years, I’ve been finding my own happiness for the holidays, and now I need to find my own happiness for the rest of my life as well. For so long, I thought I was doing it wrong. Turns out I was just walking somebody else’s path. Now it’s time to find my own.