Summary

The author discusses the complex and ultimately incompatible nature of the love between them and their father, leading to a decision to distance themselves from their family.

Abstract

The author reflects on the strained relationship with their father, acknowledging the love that exists but emphasizing its incompatibility with their needs. Despite efforts from both sides, the love they share does not align with what the author requires to thrive, especially in their adult life. The realization that they are not willing to accept their father's best effort at loving them led to a falling-out and the author's subsequent decision to create a chosen family that provides the support and understanding they need. The author concludes that it is acceptable to love from afar and to prioritize one's own well-being over maintaining a relationship that is no longer fulfilling.

Opinions

The author believes that their father's love, though genuine, is not sufficient for their emotional needs.
They express that the incompatibility in love does not negate the existence of love between family members.
The author feels that it is important to surround oneself with people who provide compatible love and support, even if they are not blood relatives.
They acknowledge the difficulty in explaining their continued love for their father despite the estrangement and the negative reactions this can provoke in others.
The author accepts that their father may never understand their perspective due to generational differences and a differing value system.
They have made peace with the possibility that reconciliation may never occur and are content with loving their father from a distance.
The author emphasizes the personal freedom to choose which relationships to maintain and which to let go of, especially during family-centric holidays.

My Father’s Love is Incompatible with Me

And that’s okay.

I ran across a meme in my mental health group on Facebook a while ago. What with the holidays being here already, it got me thinking about family.

I mean, I always think of family this time of year, but still.

As I’ve written about in what turned into a three-part series, I don’t talk to my family anymore. This makes it hard during the holidays, which are usually very family-centric for many people.

I’ve found my own family now, a chosen family that treats me better than my blood family ever really did. That doesn’t mean I don’t love them, nor does it mean that they didn’t love me.

It just means our love is incompatible.

To not belabor the point, here’s the quote:

Someone’s very best effort at loving you still may not be the thing that you need. It doesn’t mean that they’re not trying hard enough or don’t love you enough. It means that’s all they’re capable of doing. You have to decide if that’s what you’re willing to live with.

My family, particularly my father, put forth a lot of effort to love me. When I was a kid and to a lesser extent in college, I needed a lot of love and support from my family, and my father provided. I credit him in many places with enabling me to survive high school, literally and figuratively.

Later on, in my adult life, something changed. Whether it was in me or him, or possibly both, our love grew incompatible.

It didn’t mean he loved me any less, and it didn’t mean I loved him any less. We just loved each other in ways that didn’t fit anymore.

I don’t think my father is capable of loving me in a way different from his current love. That’s okay. He’s allowed to love me how he wants to.

Just as I’m allowed to decide that I’m not willing to live with that.

That second part of the quote is the one that really got to me.

It’s not that he doesn’t love me.

It’s not that I don’t love him.

It’s just that I’m not willing to live with his best effort at loving me.

I was willing, and trying, for a long time. It made me miserable. So, I stopped living with it.

Granted, it took a huge fight and falling-out that impacted the entire extended family, and my father had to more-or-less disown me to get me to that point, but still. It brought me to the point where I decided that I wasn’t willing to live with it anymore.

This is the point I’ve been trying in vain to express for a long time. I acknowledge that my family still loves me. Every time I see my grandma, she tells me how much everyone misses me and how much they want to see me again. I know they love me, even though I haven’t been around for a while.

And I still love them. Even my father, after all the crappy things he did to me during the fight. I still love him. That’s been hard to explain to some people. How can I still love the man who spent six months gaslighting me? It feels gross to some people.

I can’t explain it, either. For some reason, I love this man that I never want to speak to ever again. And for some reason, he loves me back.

It’s just that my father’s love is incompatible with me, as mine is with him. The difference is that he’s willing to tolerate the incompatibility.

I’m not.

And you know what? That’s okay. I’m allowed to keep the people in my life that I want there and to keep out the people that I don’t. I am not required to be at my family gatherings every year if I hate them. I don’t have to live with a love that is incompatible with me just because he’s my father.

My father is in his 60s now, so he’s probably set in his ways at this point. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get my feelings through to him in a way he understands. To him, blood is everything. He doesn’t understand how I can feel more connected to people I’m not related to.

To me, however, I’ve felt like a piece from a different puzzle than my family’s. Forced into a place where I don’t fit, hammered into place with a mallet to get the fit right.

My piece fits with the people I choose to be around. Many of them don’t have much of their own family to be around or have a family where they, too, don’t fit.

Ultimately, I don’t have to explain it to him. As far as I’m concerned, my father’s love is incompatible with mine, so I spread my love elsewhere. I don’t owe him an explanation. Maybe he’ll find this one day and read, and maybe he’ll understand. Maybe he won’t.

Time will tell if I ever talk to him again. In the interim, I’ll just quietly love him from afar, and he will probably love me back. In the end, though, our fundamental incompatibility will likely prevent us from reconciling.

My Father’s Love is Incompatible with Me

And that’s okay.

My Father Spent Six Months Gaslighting Me

Or: why I don’t spend the holidays with my family anymore.

Anywhere But Home For The Holidays

Depression, family drama, and low-key emotional abuse over turkey

When You Can’t Stand the Family You Love

You go somewhere else for the holidays.