I am an addict.

Addiction can come in many forms

Hi, my name is Alex and I am an addict. Not the usual kind. When you hear the word addict, you usually think of alcoholics or drug abusers. Which are more common, than we like to think. I gathered some statistics on this in my last article.

I am a different kind of addict. My vices are video games and sweets. I know, a lot of people love to eat some chocolate now and then. And a lot of people also like to spend an afternoon gaming from time to time. So how can I claim that I have an addiction? Isn’t it just normal consumption?

What makes my habits different?

The answer lies not in what I do, but rather in why I do it. It comes down to feelings. Pretty much all addictive or compulsive behavior does.

For the most part, eating sugary treats and playing video games is an escape. A desperate attempt to make myself feel good. It is an escape from reality.

When I feel sad, angry, or upset I will usually resort to these activities. They do not necessarily help the feelings, rather they are a way of numbing them. If my feelings are numb, I do not have to confront them.

Seeking escapes is not in itself wrong. Everybody needs to let off some steam every once in a while. But at some point, I crossed the line. The escape became habitual. My brain gradually changed.

My capacity to reflect on my feelings worsened. In the end, the only way I could deal with difficult feelings was to escape. And that is what addiction fundamentally is. The inability to be alone with your feelings, so you habitually drown them.

The result was that these habits took over to an extreme degree. I gorged myself in sweets at midnight, I lost sleep due to gaming and I became enormously unproductive.

Almost anything that triggers a dopamine release quickly enough can serve this purpose. Food, video games, pornography, physical exercise, alcohol, drugs, gambling, Social Media, just to name a few examples.

A year ago I decided to seek therapy. I was unhappy with myself. At times I even loathed myself. This often triggered a new cycle of escaping. Therapy finally helped me understand my true situation.

Once I did, I could start working on the problem. I journaled, I took up new hobbies, I talked and shared. Gradually I started to take back control.

I still remember my euphoria, when I went to the city center of Berlin and I passed by countless bakeries and electronics stores without lusting for cake or new video games.

So far, it sounds like a feelgood story

But there is a catch. Because there is also a hard truth. You never become unaddicted. You just become better at managing and intervening in time. But the habitual urges will stay with you.

It is the reason why recovering alcoholics need to stay dry for the rest of their lives.

As for me, I am learning to accept that sometimes I fall into the hole from time to time. My last fallback was during Christmas and New Year. I have become much better at noticing and addressing the underlying feelings. My escape orgies are shorter and I come back sooner. And sometimes I manage to avoid them altogether.

Still, the inescapable truth is, I am an addict.

To finish, I would like to give a shoutout to Holly Faupel. Because writing about your own mental health takes strength. But articles like the one below are also very inspiring.

It is important to take care of our mental health. We should not hestitate to talk about it or seek therapy when needed. That is my plea to you, dear readers.