Why I Left Nursing

I hope to go back one day.

Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation

On this day, two years ago, my manager saw through my mask. A mask that I had created to protect myself from my own mind, to enable myself to function in day to day life and to ensure I wouldn’t become a burden to others.

I never planned for this scenario, I just always thought my mask was good enough and no one would ever see through it. It never occurred to me that someone would ever question it, I just assumed that I would trudge through life with this mask until I either wound up dead, hospitalised or miraculously found genuine happiness again.

I was working the usual 12.5 hour shift at the hospice and she pulled me to one side and said something along the lines of “A few people have raised some concerns about you. I just want to know what’s going on with you so we can help.” I immediately heard “people have raised concerns about your practice, what’s wrong with you?!” I was on the defence and I tried to push her away, saying I was fine. I’m not sure exactly what she said next, it’s all a bit of a blur. The next bit I remember is standing outside in the British winter air, leaning against the wall in tears and my manager was looking at me with what I now realise was concern for my welfare. At the time I felt like she was looking at me as if to say WTF and I was hyper aware of how much of an inconvenience I was being. I then remember saying “I Googled it. I Googled it.” I could not get the rest of my words out for what felt like a century. With some coaxing from my manager, “Googled what?” I eventually was able to say “I Googled how to kill myself quickly and effectively.” Needless to say, her reaction was obvious shock, followed by deep concern. I don’t remember what she said next, only that we changed location, we were now sat in the “sanctuary”, a room that was calm and cosy. After some time, she said she needed to raise this with the ward manager and get me some help. I remember she asked if I wanted to search for the ward manager with her, or if I’d prefer to sit and wait, then once she had found her, she’d then come and get me. I chose the latter because the former meant walking around the ward, showing my puffy just-been-crying eyes to all of my colleagues and patients — that wasn’t an option for me.

The next thing I remember was being in a tiny room with the 3 of us sat there and they were asking who would I like to call. My response was “no one” and they then said, “we don’t think you should be alone right now and we want someone to come and pick you up because you’re not well enough to work either.” Then panic hit because I knew my dad would be rubbish with this as he is with anything mental illness related, my Nan would come without doubt, but she would be so worried she might get in an accident on her drive down, my mum was too far away, and I had no friends in this city, so then the burden fell to my brother, who I felt would be so annoyed by this situation, but I couldn’t think of anyone else. I hesitantly gave my manager his phone number and they contacted him straight away. I don’t know what was said but he and his girlfriend both showed up pretty fast.

I was in another room on the phone to the mental health crisis team, through no choice of my own. I was handed a phone by my manager and the crisis team were already on the line waiting to speak to me, so I had no choice. I was feeling irritable when speaking to the operator and I wasn’t being very forthcoming and then I suddenly heard my brother’s breath. It wasn’t a sigh, just a normal breath but something just clicked and I knew he was there. He wasn’t even in the room, he was in the corridor, but I heard it and I ran towards it. He opened his arms and I just fell into his chest and sobbed, the 111 operator still on the line but nothing else mattered in that moment. I no longer felt guilty for contacting him, I just felt relief at seeing his face.

I think at this point my brother’s girlfriend had taken the phone and was taking notes from the 111 operator. I’m not sure what was being said around me, I just remember being glad that he was there and everyone was talking about me. But, for once I didn’t feel invisible or weird, I just checked out completely and didn’t care.

Once my managers had discussed whatever they needed to discuss with my brother and his girlfriend, they sent us on our way. I don’t know what kind of professional help I had back then, I know I had a follow up call the next day and I know I was signed off work by my GP, but I can’t think of any real help that I received. I felt completely suffocated by family because my managers had said I shouldn’t be alone so they were all babysitting me and I felt like I couldn’t be alone for a second.

The weirdest thing though, looking back, is that I went back to work in January. I had less than a month off after admitting to suicidal ideation.

How the hell anyone thought I was well enough to return to work is beyond me?!

I had zero input from health professionals and I convinced myself I was ready to go back. I worked for 3 months and then I had another breakdown and decided to leave that day, because I was not well. I needed to get better because how can I look after others if I can’t even look after myself?

So that’s why I left nursing. Afterwards, I tried to throw myself into various professions that were not healthcare related, but no matter what job I did, my concentration was lacking and my emotions were heightened. No matter what I did, I overthought. That is why I am currently signed off from all work for the foreseeable future.

Sadly, due to the NHS being overstretched and the mental health sector being underfunded/at the bottom of their priorities, I have still not had any significant help, even 2 years on.

• I have had GP input, where my meds have been changed more times than I can count. I feel as if they were trying to use medication as a quick fix, without actually looking deeper at the route cause. Oh and each of these appointments were10 minute phone calls with a different doctor every time. No face to face appointments, no talking about feelings due to time restrictions and no advice whatsoever.
• I am on a waiting list for a personality disorder workshop, which is the one thing I think may actually help. Although as time goes by, I am becoming more sceptical.
• The MOST helpful service of all was from a work coach, who agreed I was not well enough to work but still kept in touch. We had regular phone calls to discuss how to manage work-related stress, oversleeping and anger. This went on for 9 months and gave me valuable advice which I can use in day to day life. I found this company via an ad on Facebook and it was a free service!
• Finally, I just have to give an honourable mention to Fearne Cotton. Her podcast Happy Place has filled my dull days with joy and deep thought. I’m an inquisitive person and her podcast answers a lot of my questions that I’ve never asked out loud. Her and her guests also give amazing advice in relation to mental health — if you’re interested I’ve left a link to it in the article below!

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