WE CALL HIM CROCKER

I Almost Gave up on My Dog

Would I weather the storm?

Today, I woke up an hour late. And Crocker was already waiting for me to open the door so he could reach up for my hand and have our time together.

This wasn’t always the case after we moved to a new apartment.

I thought I had to give him up. The landlord only allowed us to have two dogs temporarily and if neighbors complained, I had to give up Crocker for rehoming.

And it gutted me.

For weeks, whenever the thought of giving him up crossed my mind it added to what was already my vulnerable mental well-being.

It all started with Sky

It was the pandemic. I had a very difficult time. A few months after Mom passed away, I met someone who has been my partner for two years now. I started living with him in October 2021 which was when I was first introduced to a dog I only called Doggie.

He was the building dog, and the staff was his caretaker.

I would give him food and water whenever I went to the common laundry area.

He was on a leash and inside a cage. During the pandemic, the building had very few tenants, many had left. We had the whole floor except for the staff who stayed in one of the units.

Doggie was quiet. He never barked at me and would wait for me to hand him food or water. Soon after, he was moved to another building.

I never saw him again.

Then came Sky, a pomeranian. Again, the staff was her caretaker.

One day, Sky came to our unit and stayed for hours. She also pooped. I told her that next time, she should be done with her daily stuff before she visits me.

She never pooped again in our home.

That started my love affair with dogs, until one day, like Doggie, Sky was moved to another building.

My partner thought getting a dog of our own was the only way I could move past Sky. He saw that I was depressed.

A few days later, Phi Phi arrived.

Phi Phi

I still remember her first day. My partner got her from a breeder. If only he had asked, I would have wanted a rescue dog. She was so tiny when the driver took her out of a dog bag carrier. It was a long trip for her.

I thought that she would be so stressed by the trip that she wouldn't like us. But when she was handed to my partner, she knew she was home.

When she got inside our unit, she quickly owned the place as a two-month-old puppy.

It didn’t take long before she owned our hearts.

She was the first dog I could call my own. I even named her Phi Phi after I saw her as feisty but charming. The next few days weren’t easy.

I had to wake up every two hours because I told her that she had to wake me up whenever she needed to pee. Somehow she did understand the instruction.

She slept on our bed.

Looking back, she should have slept outside of our bedroom. Then again, we wouldn't have those many memories of waking up to her either beside me or my partner.

But I was also getting less sleep from taking care of Phi Phi. And I was writing the whole day. I wanted to figure out how to earn a living from writing from home.

Soon, life revolved around Phi Phi and writing.

Crocker

A decision that I would sometimes regret not giving enough serious thought was when I got another dog. I also didn't discuss it with my partner, especially since it was his place.

A few days before I got him I had a dream of calling out to another dog, and I remember, on waking up that his name was Crocker.

When I looked at my Facebook, I saw an urgent call from a friend to save a dog and I had to quickly make a decision. In a few days, Crocker would have been taken to a pound.

I never gave it much thought. I brought Crocker home. It was the pandemic. I didn’t think that everything would soon be back to normal especially since the building we were staying in then was half-empty after most of the tenants had left.

But it wouldn’t last long. As the pandemic eased the units started to get filled with new tenants and that's when my problems with Crocker began.

Crocker is a big dog.

And when he first arrived, I thought I wouldn't be able to hold him. I even thought he was aggressive. I had to put him in a separate room, a vacant unit that we rented when I first moved in as storage for my stuff.

He wasn’t aggressive. He was afraid.

It took weeks before I could pet him and bring him to a veterinarian for his first-ever check-up and vaccine.

I never asked what Crocker’s past life was like.

With two dogs, life had become very busy.

Because Crocker was afraid of people, he would bark at the staff and anyone he would see on our floor.

Soon, the building caretaker talked to me, and as with anything that I had to deal with my response was anger.

The whole episode took a toll on both my physical and mental health. Between the pandemic, my relationship with my partner, finding a way to earn a living, and the loss of my mom — life overwhelmed me and it continues to do so.

By December 2022, I was physically sick. I needed medical attention and it would take months before I recovered. I lost my focus on my writing.

What to do with Crocker had been a constant battle inside my head. The only solution I thought of was either to leave my partner, or find a place of my own, and bring both Phi and Crocker.

But by 2023, I had nothing. No money to make big decisions.

My partner said we would find a place where we could all be together. However, finding a place with two dogs was a challenge.

And when the building caretaker took another swipe at Crocker, we quickly moved into an available apartment.

The rent was almost twice what we were paying and it was a poor decision on my part, and it remains my biggest concern.

For now, my partner takes care of all the expenses, and sometimes I feel I placed him in a situation that he wouldn't be in if we were not together.

The days that followed in the new apartment were difficult. While Phi easily got used to the new surroundings, it was Crocker who became difficult. He was becoming aggressive to Phi and even to me.

He was always whining, barking, and making loud noises at night.

His behavior changed and I had very little strength in me to deal with him, and I was getting frustrated and angry.

Whenever I wasn’t nice to Crocker, I felt bad.

The only option was for us to surrender him to a shelter.

The storm

It has been raining for weeks here in Manila. It took the rain for me to be mindful of Crocker. He never did like the rain, especially the sounds of thunder. Unlike Phi — Crocker was afraid of it.

And during the nights when it rained hard, I had to let him in as I did during typhoon season last year.

While he had a little room of his own near our laundry area, it wasn't enough for Crocker. Whenever it rained, he had to be around us.

By the time the typhoon was over, I noticed a change in his behavior. He wasn't as rowdy as he was whenever he saw me in the morning.

He was nice again, as he was when he first allowed me to touch him.

When that happened, I knew he trusted me. All it took was for him to feel he was loved.

I remember crying that day.

And these past few days, I cried a few times knowing that I couldn’t let him go.

That I don’t have to let him go.

Like the first time, all it took was for Crocker to feel that I love him. I had neglected him. He isn’t a bad dog. He craves attention and love like all of us.

I don’t need to give up on Crocker, he is family.

Like any other family, not everything will be all fun and sunny; there will be days when we need to weather the storm.

And together we just did.

Thank you for reading.