A dog parody of Austin Powers parody of James Bond
How Dare You Break Wind Before Me, My Dog Phi Phi Said
Straight from the fart
We call her Phi Phi, and I can still remember the day she arrived. I never thought I would have a dog at my age. I’m in my 50s, make that in my early 50s.
And just like how society reminds Madonna every time she posts a photo of herself on Instagram, I do feel old to take any more responsibility than I already have in my life.
The only reason we got Phi Phi was because of two heartbreaks. Two dogs that didn’t belong to me were taken away by my evil building owner. Actually, I never met my landlord, I simply picture him as Dr. Evil after he moved ‘Doggie and Sky,’ away from my building.
So enough of the heartaches, get me a dog … now!
That didn’t happen, I was hoping I could find a dog to adopt. Buying a dog is against my anti-capitalism lifestyle. I also happen to be a tree-hugging person and mad as hell as Greta Thunberg against world leaders who have yet to act together to fight climate change.
Go, Greta, with love from Auntie.
My partner felt I was getting depressed. He knew the signs when he saw me lying on the couch for days without taking a shower and mindlessly watching Friends on Netflix and drifting away into La La Land.
He decided to buy me a dog, and if he had his way, that dog would be named Clarice after his favorite movie heroine, Clarice Starling.
I’m just glad that he wasn’t planning on getting me a male dog.
“Well Clarice, Have The Lambs Stopped Screaming?” — Hannibal
It was a hot sunny day when my partner announced that the dog would be arriving that day. I asked him a lot of questions about who, what, when, where, and why. My Grade 4 English teacher would have been proud.
But I ended up going with him to buy dog stuff at the mall before the dog arrived.
I can’t remember if I did shower or went to the mall like a true member of the well-loved ‘People of Walmart.’ All I know is I still wear a face mask when I’m out.
I knew when I got home, I was excited, he showed me photos of Clarice and asked me if I could shower every day now that a new member of the family was coming.
Did he just pat me on the head?
When I saw her the first time, I was horrified that the delivery man took her out of a bag. It looked like a knapsack, and my heart broke after learning she had to travel for hours that way.
I was assuming that by the time the delivery man handed her to me, she would be tired, terrified, and anxious.
I know what separation anxiety means.
At only two months old and separated from her mother, she looks small and fragile.
The first instruction given by the seller was not to feed or give her water for at least the first hour after she arrives.
She was in my arms until it was time to put her on the floor, just for her to see her new home.
I felt she would be too afraid, that she would go to a corner and cry.
As soon as I lay her down, she was inspecting the kitchen area, it was where we put the little dog bed, some toys, and her food trays.
And she never cried, she walked towards me as if to say,
Are you the Qween or Mama B*tch? I’m Baby B*tch.
I knew then she wasn’t Clarice, she was Phi Phi Valour, a drag queen in waiting.
I’m in a new relationship.
And as a proud member of the LGBTQIABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ, having been with my new partner for 8 months means being with my partner for 2 1/2 years in gay man-years which I believe is similar to dog years. ¹
Like any heterosexual, gender-fluid, pansexual, sapiosexual couple, the real test of any relationship is when things get real.
This isn’t a piece of relationship advice. You can get that from the now-defunct P.S. I Love You publication.
What is real to me is when I’m Ok to start openly farting in a relationship. Did you gasp?
Whatever you call it, flatulence is the last thing to go when everything is still as sweet as candy on your first few dates.
Farting is an inevitability when you’re becoming intimate with someone — and it’s going to make your relationship better. — Kate Hakala, Mic.com
The one who breaks the fart barrier first will have to carry the scarlet letter for the rest of their anal history together.
Part of who I am is that I have a competitive personality so in all my relationships I’m the first who breaks the fart barrier.
Always the first to go and the last to know.
Alotta Fagina
Phi Phi is now four-months-old and has developed into a full-blown diva. She knows she is spoiled by Dada, as what I want to be known to her.
I’m comfortable enough around her to fart freely.
She lets me know that she knows it’s me.
She goes sniffing her nose and gives me the look — the look of shame.
I believe in equal opportunity and I can’t wait for Phi Phi to pass the wind.
But the next time I fart and she gives me the look as if to ask,
How dare you break wind before me?
I can answer back,
I’m sorry I didn’t realize it was your turn.
Phi Phi gives me endless joy, and so does Crocker my rescue dog. Thank you for reading.
[1] I discovered that dog years aren’t equivalent to seven years. Here’s how to calculate dog years to human years. Ouch, it means my 8-month relationship is actually 10 years in gay man-years.
Here are some of my not-so-funny stories, but they pay the rent.
✨What Does Losing 100 Pounds Do for Your Body, Ask Adele — Free Reading.
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