Human Needs in Love and Life

How to respect your needs, your truth and your differences

When it comes to romantic partnerships; in any good relationship I’ve found, the two people involved are interested in and want to fulfill the other person’s needs, not because it is their responsibility to, or because their partner is clingy or lacking in any way, but because they love them and wish them to thrive and be happy. This shows a healthy positive regard for your partner.

The Need for Others

Even if you enjoy being alone, there is no denying that some needs simply cannot be met by yourself, i.e. if you want conversations, love, intimacy, affection, etc, you obviously need two people for all of these, and we often can’t get all our needs met by one other person alone, including our romantic partner.

This doesn’t mean our partner or friends aren’t good for us, that’s just how it is. We all have unique tastes, likes and dislikes, that another person can’t be expected to fully understand or satiate. People only really know the side of us that we are willing to show them, and even then it can be misinterpreted.

Self-Acceptance

What people don’t always accept, is that it’s perfectly normal to feel a need for other people in some areas of life; it doesn’t mean you’re weak or unhealthy, it’s just human. Most of us were not born to be islands.

A few people are very solitary and I believe that’s fine also, as long as you’re being true to yourself and it makes you happy. It’s very liberating when you know how to be creative and serene by yourself.

However, as some needs cannot be satiated on our own, this is something we can choose to try and change, if it’s possible and we make an effort to meet people, or, we can accept a situation gracefully; but we always have the power to choose.

Problems only arise when we start lying to ourselves and others, about what we really need, (and the efforts we have made to try and change things), and for some people, this is easy to do.

Needs (Not Wants)

For the purpose of this story, the definition of a Need is: Anything you believe you must have, in order to feel personally healthy and able to function. We may wish we didn’t have these needs, but they are part of our natural psychological makeup.

People often beat themselves up for not being able to get what they need. They then go on to pretend that they don’t need what they really do, to cover up the pain. I call this ‘spiritual suicide’.

In my experience, there can be serious long-term consequences for denying your true needs, for any length of time.

This is the clear road to resentment, bitterness, regret, feelings of unworthiness and disconnectedness. It’s also a sure way to cause yourself deep, unending spiritual misery, lose motivation and any true sense of self. If that isn’t enough, some people end up feeling ‘lost’ indefinitely.

Our Needs are Important

To clarify the issue, imagine pretending you don’t need the following (when you really do), and how upsetting these scenarios could be:-

• You’re a very affectionate person and need a lot of kissing, cuddling and hugging, but everyone in your life is cool and aloof and they can’t stand being touched — and you’re not allowed to have a dog or cat.
• You’re a natural communicator and often need to talk — but your family and friends hate discussions and ‘pointless’ talking, so they don’t listen and are always shutting you down or walking off.
• You’re a sensitive person who needs to give and receive romantic affection, through words, intimacy and touch, in order to feel love, but your partner’s love language is ‘helping’, e.g. making the tea, putting the bins out — and not showing emotion or physical expression.

From the above examples, the challenges are obvious, but we all need to take responsibility for trying to get our needs met.

Things wont always work out, so we may have to make other difficult choices, but as long as we know that, ‘we have a right to be ourselves, love ourselves and make our own choices’, we can work in our best interests to create a life that suits us.

Enjoy Your True Nature — if you want to be happy

Denying your human needs and nature, shows a lack of self-respect and care and is also a major passion killer; stifling your creativity and ability to feel anything wonderful or exciting. So why would you treat yourself this way?

It’s like stuffing your precious heart, soul and value in the bin and saying, ‘Now I can move on, I don’t have to be me’ — It simply wont have a good ending.

Take it from someone who has seen people do this. Most will not even be aware of their unhealthy mindset, and why they have no joy, energy or enthusiasm.

Pretending to be someone else

I have sometimes found that, when a person is very self-critical or has a sense of shame about themselves, they try to be like someone they’re really not. They then feel uncomfortable and resent people that are happy and able to publicly be themselves.

This is what happens when people do not respect, value or attend their own true needs, but instead, negatively judge and stifle them.

This is not only an act of unkindness towards the self, but often these people show a subtle envy or bitterness towards other ‘real’ people, and this can pervade their life at every level. Ultimately, nothing good comes from pretending.

‘Always be a first rate version of yourself and not a second rate version of someone else’ — Judy Garland

Reality

Once we understand that the world isn’t designed to please, satiate or revolve around any one of us, we can appreciate just how lucky and privileged we are, to be here now, and be able to make our own choices, whenever we like.

Never give up being yourself

The fact that we won’t always get what we need, doesn’t make living any less worthwhile, it just means that life isn’t perfect or fair — EVER; and it’s the same for everyone.

I believe, we should never give up on ourselves and finding what we need to be happy; that’s the whole point of getting out of bed.

And though the earth doesn’t care what happens to us while we’re on it, we can still choose to evolve and appreciate that life is one amazing, precious journey into the unknown; a big learning curve, worth having, regardless.

* Thanks for reading!

Other Self-Help Stories by America Zed.