When Your Support Network Doesn’t Exist
How to self-help and connect with people ~ when you are lonely
In this story, I hope to impart some useful insights from my own experience of having been “alone in everything,” emotionally and spiritually, for all my childhood years and then some.
The following brief account is not to elicit pity or show what a victim looks like but explains why I feel able to help other people who feel alone and cut-off from all the pleasures of the world.
A Rough Background
I was a highly perceptive and plucky child that had no adult person to turn to for any kind of support. No care, no respect, no conversation, love or affection. I had daily food and lived in a pretty house, but was often physically abandoned for long periods of time, without warning. When I wasn’t alone, my mother mentally abused me and I wasn’t allowed to ask questions or have an opinion.
Sometimes I was called horrible names, laughed at, and publicly humiliated in front of other children, so I hoped that I would be taken away and adopted by someone kind, but kindness never showed up. My mother enjoyed saying that she didn’t love me and I shouldn’t have been born; it was all a big mistake.
This being the case, as soon as I could leave school and make some money, I disappeared. I read in a newspaper that you could rent a room in a seaside town, so off I went, a self-made orphan with every kind of poverty and shame, to an unknown, run-down address. Nobody came looking for me — ever.
Spiritual Deprivation and Grief
This is why I truly understand what it means to be alone in everything and how this feeling (or belief) can seriously upset your life and the choices you make. It can become your default way of feeling if you’re sensitive and unable to control your pain. It can feel like a constant grieving in your soul that won't go away but hides behind a smile.
You can spend a lot of time, unconsciously, trying to hide away from other people, (thinking you’re doing them a favor), as you believe that nobody wants you anywhere — not in their space, in their arms, or in their heart. This, of course, is a deeply distressing conviction.
Whatever happens, people never forget if they were “not wanted” when they were young; the mind doesn’t allow it. Even if you love yourself, if you were not loved at all by your family, it’s very hard to believe that anyone else can love, value, or want to be with you, especially in the long term.
So here’s how I changed my perception, turned things around, and created a better, more meaningful life, without denial, drugs, or expensive therapy.
How I Changed My Emotional Landscape
Once I realized that no one was coming to save me and that I couldn’t make anybody love or like me, I was ready to live in a world without love, affection, approval, or support.
Some people say you can’t live in a world without love, family, or a god, but you really can, and I did.
It wasn’t easy, but leaving my abusive family was the best and most healthy decision I ever made.
Life may sometimes be difficult, painful, and make you want to crumble, yet even so, as long as you respect yourself and believe that nobody has the right to abuse you, ruin your life or take your hope away, then nothing can stop you from rising up and stumbling through the world; not even your family, a broken heart, or a soul full of tears.
Turning Things Around
The silver lining in my childhood was that I learned a lot about life, people, and the consequences of mean behavior and attitudes very quickly, so I became wiser and more advanced for my age.
As a young adult, I had to find ways to feel encouraged by life and be connected to others, so, over the years, I looked for opportunities that could possibly help change my trajectory. I was playing the long game.
“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”— Gandhi
The Self-Help and Creativity That Changed My Life
The following is a list of helpful attitudes and creative ideas that have had the most positive impact on my well-being as an adult. I would recommend these to anyone, of any age, who wants to feel connected to people, make new friends, and create meaning, joy, and interest in life.
Attitude is Everything
- Don’t compare yourself (or your life) to anyone else’s; appreciate your own unique value and know that we are all born to be individuals.
- Always keep a good conscience; by doing so, you never even rub shoulders with guilt or shame.
- Forgive everybody (whether they seek forgiveness or not). After all, we’re all just human beings and we don’t know how other people arrived at their disposition — and you deserve to be free of bad feeling.
- Be assertive and friendly, whenever and wherever possible and don’t wait for opportunities to come to you.
- No matter what has happened to you, never let bitterness, meanness or hardness take up space in your Soul. I believe, these are some of the most repellant human traits and, you won't feel positive, cheerful or peaceful seeing them in yourself or anyone else.
- Be kind to yourself and don’t encourage relationships with unsupportive or negative people that bring you down, (it doesn’t matter who they are). Seek out people that you love to be around and that love to be with you.
“The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.”— Tony Robbins
Some Helpful Creative Ideas
Read non-fiction, biographies, and inspirational stories to find out how other people think (including people you admire) and how they deal with their issues. For people who are feeling down or defeated, I recommend reading this wonderfully soothing book: When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron. I would also recommend The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck.
The four suggestions below can be activated from a computer, thanks to the internet.
- Try writing your own blog online, about something meaningful to you. Writing down what you think, can help you evolve, heal and connect with all kinds of kindred spirits. Some blogs are also free to set up.
- Read and write to your heart’s content on Medium — of course!
- Meet more people and make new friends by joining a meetup group online. Meetup.com is a fabulous place for finding groups of people in your area who enjoy the same things. It’s easy and free to join, and, if you have an unusual interest or can’t find what you’re looking for, you can start your own Meetup group. What price can you put on meeting your tribe?
- Upgrade your skills or learn something new by doing a course via ‘Udemy’ online. This website has lots of fun, interesting and inexpensive courses that you can pay for and download immediately and, it covers all kinds of subjects.
For Night Owls and Extroverts
Join a gigging band or form one. Become a backing singer or instrumentalist. There are many musician-related websites online. Join a local dance, drama group or choir, or help out backstage in a theatre. Play guitar or sing at Open Mic nights in a local bar. There are loads of fun ways to connect with people if you think about it.
Create Meaning by Volunteering
Volunteer your skills or services and do something worthwhile that you feel passionate about. Volunteering makes a huge difference to your life and to other people. I also think it’s the easiest way to increase self-esteem and alleviate depression. But you have to do it, to believe it.
I enjoy volunteering because I feel there’s nothing better for the Soul than knowing you’re helping someone else who really needs your support and appreciates your presence in their life. It makes your own life feel meaningful, valuable and connected to something greater than yourself.
“There is no exercise better for the heart, than reaching down and lifting people up.”— John Holmes
People often feel much happier when they realize that life isn’t all about themselves. There are many cheerful, kind and interesting people volunteering and maybe it’s because their heart is in their work, and not their purse.
You can even volunteer your friendship from a home phone, by calling an elderly or lonely person that doesn’t have anyone to talk to, for days on end. Imagine how they would love to receive your call. Imagine their face lighting up in anticipation. You can Google these wonderful opportunities from any volunteering website on your computer.
How does this really help me?
You may wonder why some of these suggestions focus on helping other people when this is your problem; having no support network.
The reason is that in my experience, by helping other people with their problems, you actually help yourself to feel better, as you become more connected to people and start noticing that you’re valued and that your feelings aren’t so alone, after all.
This is a great reality check. We may feel disconnected or isolated sometimes, but our feelings are often just like someone else’s (though caused by different scenarios).
Thriving on Reality
Since not many of us can realistically “rustle up” a support network (as some books would have you believe), it’s a good idea then, to actively sign up for activities where other people are involved and in place to start with. This may sound arduous, but once you gain momentum, you won't have time to read stories like this!
Even if you’re not especially sociable, it’s worth remembering that the happiest people are usually those who have someone, anyone, to share their joy with. It doesn’t matter if the person is a different age, gender, race or whatever; joy works best when it’s shared. I believe, we all have ‘our tribe’ somewhere — we just have to put in the effort and go the distance to find them.
When you focus on connecting your values, qualities, and interests to the wider world, you get to see the vast potential and possibilities you have and that the world is as big, or as small, as you make it. And with these improvements, you get to feel more immersed in life and emotionally supported.
So good luck to you. You don’t have to feel alone.
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© America Zed. Other Stories by America Zed.
