How We’ve Limited Men’s Ability to Experience Sexual Pleasure to the Fullest
This problem isn’t exclusive to women
Guys, can we talk? I’ve been noticing a few things over the years and I just can’t help myself. I have to say something.
Are you having fun in the bedroom? I mean all the fun you are capable of having?
The reason I ask is that I’m not sure you’re allowing yourself to enjoy some of the things you want to enjoy.
Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not shaming. Or blaming. On the contrary, I want to advocate for you in this area.
It seems silly to say that, considering the sexual privilege afforded to men in this culture, but there are some issues that I think are robbing you of what you deserve in the bedroom.
Here’s what I’m talking about:
Dick Size
Almost every guy I’ve been with has expressed either shame or pride around his penis size. The one guy I slept with who was a “show-er” (as opposed to a grower) would go on and on about how many men admired his dick, how his friends were always jealous of how huge he was, how he thought he was naturally good at sex because his penis was enormous...
Guys, let me tell you something: I have absolutely no memory of how big his dick was. Which means it didn’t leave a lasting impression.
Again: I do not mean that judgmentally. That’s not a comment on his level of skill as a lover. I just mean to say that a man’s dick isn’t the thing I remember about him. I remember the things he said to me. The way he touched me. The way our bodies felt side by side or one on top of the other.
I really truly mean it that I couldn’t care less about size unless the size (on one end of the spectrum or the other) caused my vagina an issue. So far, she has had no complaints.
And let me say that I don’t think I’ve ever heard another woman complain about dick size, and maybe only once or twice have I heard a woman make a comment about size. Because again: Most of us couldn’t care less.
What I really want to say about this is that our culture’s obsession with penis size as a sign of masculinity and sexual prowess is propaganda meant to uphold the hierarchy in which only the hyper-masculine is protected and rewarded.
In other words, if you’re a grower, our culture doesn’t give a shit about you or your pleasure. You didn’t meet the standard.
Can we just say a hearty, collective “FUCK YOU” to that? Can you imagine a world in which you never once thought about your dick size? In which it didn’t ever cross your mind during a sexual encounter?
So if you have a tight, adorable little acorn tucked against those balls, flaunt it. Walk around the bedroom like you own it. And then bring that hot dick (of any size) to your partner and use it well.
Performance
This one feels very similar to the dick size issue. It’s all about upholding the standards of hyper-masculinity, which dictate that only a truly manly man can give a woman a transcendent sexual experience — and that he must if he wants that label.
There is little less attractive to women than a male lover who is more concerned about upholding this ideal with a cocky assuredness while paying absolutely no attention to the woman in front of him and what she would actually like to experience.
Again, can you imagine what sex would be like if you never (or even rarely) worried about having to be a perfectly skilled lover? If you didn’t think about upholding this standard, as if every woman was a Simon Says game, with a series of knobs to pull and buttons to push, and if you just accomplish this, you’re a “real man”?
Can we revolt against this one, too? Because every woman and every encounter (even with the same woman) is different. We don’t need an automaton who memorized the schematics and procedures of female sexuality.
Sex needs adaptation. Innovation. Receptivity.
Did she not like that one move? Did it take her forty minutes to climax? Did she say she “lost” her orgasm? Did you lose yours? Did you go soft when you put a condom on? Did you stop enjoying the blow job midway through?
Who fucking cares? Keep talking, keep exploring, keep going.
The responsibility of creating a mutually pleasurable sexual experience does not rest solely upon your shoulders — or on your skills as the perfect lover.
Share it with us. We got you.
Nipple Play
Welcome to my passion, guys. I love nipples. Mine are insanely sensitive and I absolutely love having them stimulated during sex. I also love playing with men’s nipples — and sadly, I’ve found most men that I’ve been with to be averse to this.
I was in my twenties when I first discovered that some men like nipple play as much as I do. One night, a lover asked me to suck on his. I was shocked that I hadn’t realized that of course men might like nipple play. Our chests, despite what you have been taught, are basically the same (scroll down to the midway point of this article to learn more). That means that men’s nipple sensitivity runs the same spectrum that women’s do and that the experience can be just as sexually pleasurable as it can be for women.
The only problem is, as I discovered with other lovers, many men have a lot of feelings of shame around nipple play and will avoid it at all costs. Many find it emasculating. Or more accurately — were taught to think of it as emasculating.
Guys, how sensitive are your nipples? Yes, I’m really asking. Most of my lovers had never touched their own nipples (or so they said) and had never let a partner touch them, either. Tragic, I say, absolutely tragic!
Have you ever had a lover suck on your nipple while playing with your dick? Have you ever masturbated while playing with your own nipple?
If the answer to those questions is “no,” I implore you to try it. For many people, nipple play can massively increase the intensity of an orgasm. It can also create all new sensations of pleasure across a larger region of the body.
I’m begging you, please, give nipple play a shot if you haven’t in the past.
And also, please don’t deprive us of playing with your gorgeous, adorable, hot nipples. Trust me, it’s usually a win-win.
Anal Play
Oh, here we go: the biggest taboo of all. If you like anal play, then you’re gay, right? Because a straight man (i.e. a “true” man) wouldn’t be able to experience pleasure with anal play.
Or so we’ve been taught.
Just like the issue with nipple play, this is not only based in internalized homophobia, but it’s also deeply and completely based on (homophobic) misinformation.
Men enjoy anal stimulation because their bodies were designed to, thanks to the placement of the prostate. It’s right there, guys, and apparently (obviously, I wouldn’t know from experience), it feels fucking amazing to have it stimulated.
Those intrepid, brave, sexual explorers out there who refuse to be shamed by our homophobic culture have reported that orgasms that happen in conjunction with anal stimulation are “full-body” and at least three times as powerful as an orgasm without anal stimulation.
How can you knock if after hearing what writer and activist Zachary Zane said about it in Men’s Health?
“My ex-girlfriend used to shove a vibrating, seven-inch dildo up my ass while she blew me. … She said I looked like I was having an exorcism when I finally came. My eyes would roll to the back of my head. I’d start involuntarily convulsing. It felt incredible. When I came with the dildo inside me…, my orgasms weren’t localized to my genitalia; I’d get a lightning sensation from my head to my toes.”
Doesn’t it piss you off that our culture has tried to rob this experience from you (if you’re into it or haven’t yet figured out you’re into it)?
Let’s stop attaching experiences of sexual pleasure to sexual orientation. And for god’s sake, let’s stop correlating masculinity with heterosexuality.
If you like any kind of anal play — own it! If you haven’t tried it yet — try it!
It’s your body, for god’s sake. Nothing should be off-limits if it makes you feel good.
Look, I get it. This is deeply entrenched, challenging stuff. It’s so deeply entrenched that getting past it on your own terms is only the beginning. Then you have to face your partner(s), who also might have a hard time with this stuff.
Yes, you might decide to strut yourself about even when you’re not erect and find that your partner takes issue with your adorable little (for the moment) Brazil nut. You might find yourself with a partner who feels let down that you didn’t “make her come.” And yes, a lover might be put off by your requests for nipple or anal play — because internalized homophobia and toxic ideas about masculinity are deeply embedded in all of us.
If your partner is meant to be your partner, she will be just curious enough to rethink her own biases and cultural expectations about how men should behave and look in the bedroom. And if she can’t confront her own cultural conditioning…then she’s not the right partner for you. You deserve someone who thinks your penis is perfect in all its forms, someone who doesn’t expect you to be responsible for the sexual fulfillment of everyone in the room, and someone who will suck your nipples and peg you like a champ (if that’s what you want, of course).
So are you with me, guys? Are you going to let this toxic culture steal your experience of your own potential for pleasure?
And please, ask us to join you. You might be surprised by how many of us are ready to charge forward into a new world — one that doesn’t work so damn hard to limit our expressions and experiences of pleasure.
© Yael Wolfe 2022
Yael Wolfe is a writer, photographer, and creator of Howl. You can find more of her work at yaelwolfe.com.
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