Are Men Sexually Aggressive — or Unfairly Demonized?

Condemnation of sexual behavior runs in both directions

My friend, Frank, is a very touchy-feely person. He loves to hug people, to plant kisses on people’s cheeks — and on their lips — and to hold hands during conversations as a gesture of support or intimacy.

Last week, we went on a day trip together, driving through the mountains and stopping at the summit to have lunch and a few serious conversations. He gave me a kiss, lots of hugs, and held my hand throughout it all.

Later, he apologized for his “handsy” behavior, saying he didn’t want to come off as a perverted old man. (He’s 71.)

I told him not to apologize. I have known him for five years now and I know he’s not a pervert. I know he is simply affectionate, open-hearted, and extremely loving.

Later, it occurred to me how often I hear from men who express similar caution, or sometimes even bitterness about how they are perceived by women and how much they limit their affection — especially physical affection — because of this.

“You never know when a man’s behavior is going to be interpreted as pervy or inappropriate,” one friend recently told me. “I feel like I can’t do or say anything without the fear of being accused of wrongdoing.”

In fact, I remember seeing a tweet from Clinton Kelly over the summer, asking, “Is it acceptable for a man (let’s say he’s 50, gay, and used to host a popular makeover show) to tell a woman (complete stranger) walking down a street in NYC that she looks fabulous? Or is it creepy?”

I think these are questions that deserve serious consideration in the wake of the #MeToo movement. Yes, it’s vital to keep the attention on women, who have never had this much voice before (and who still need more, in my opinion), but if we don’t include men in the conversation and figure out how to move forward together, then we’re going to end up with problems that are just as extreme as what we’re dealing with right now.

So let’s talk about this tendency we have to frame men as sexual deviants or overly horny aggressors. What’s behind this?

Privilege and power can corrupt

Let’s start off with the most obvious answer. Men have had privilege and power in our culture for a very long time. And people with privilege and power often use it to their advantage — because they can. Just turn on the nightly news to see endless examples of this.

Of course, it’s very important to be clear that not every man behaves in this manner, nor does every woman believe that to be true. Most of us would not make those kinds of stereotypical judgments. However, most of us have been victimized by those men. Most of us have been harassed, bullied, assaulted, or raped — and usually more than one of these things, at multiple times in our lives, perpetrated by different men.

Many of us learn very early on that we are not protected in this world. We learn to be fast, cautious gazelles since we can’t always tell the difference between the lions who see us as prey and the lions who respect our right to use the watering hole without fearing the loss of life or limb.

We developed our suspicion with good reason, I’m sorry to say. No, you don’t deserve to be scrutinized or judged because of what other men have done, but also…you’ve probably never had to endure sexism and aggression day after day for your entire life. We’ve all got burdens to bear in this.

Women have been taught to treat sexuality as a virtuous gift

We grew up in a culture that even to this day treats female sexuality like a pristine diamond that shouldn’t be given to the wrong person. We’re supposed to make our potential partners “earn” that gift, as if access to our vaginas can be granted through some type of transaction.

While there’s nothing wrong with needing intimacy before engaging in sexual activity, I think this attitude that female sexuality is sacred while a man’s is not is extremely dysfunctional. It literally creates an economy around the vagina, a system of scarcity and bloated gross margins that wreak havoc on relationships, and even the simple, platonic interactions between men and women.

Women have been taught their sexuality is shameful

This one is a no-brainer. When you’ve been taught to see your own sexuality as something that’s shameful, you’ll tend to see other people’s sexuality as shameful, too. Men, for the most part, have much greater allowances when it comes to expressing and fulfilling their desire. Because women haven’t experienced this, it stands to reason that many perceive this as “perverted,” or at least “inappropriate.”

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, we’ll see a major shift in relationships between men and women when women feel shameless about pursuing and expressing their sexual pleasure.

Women are learning new boundaries

The voice we have been given since the #MeToo movement is more than we’ve ever had — and with any hope, that space for our voices will only grow bigger. We still have a long way to go.

This is new territory for everyone and many of us — even Gen X’ers like me — are discovering that we can finally say no without being judged and condemned. Well, okay, that’s not true; we’re still often judged and condemned. But we know the story is shifting, so we feel more empowered to draw boundaries we have never been able to draw before.

This is something men have always had the privilege to do. But for us, this can feel revelatory. This is power we’ve never had before. So we’re experimenting. We’re trying new things. We’re deciding what behaviors to call out and what behaviors are acceptable.

It isn’t easy. We’ve been taught to endure a lot of shit silently and some of us are coming out of that with our fists raised. But that’s part of our healing process and it’s going to take time and patience to get to the other side.

As we continue through this journey, I think it’s important that we have these conversations. Men, it’s true that voicing your frustrations about this subject might sometimes be the wrong move — centering yourself in a movement in which women deserve to remain at the center. But assertively indicating and voicing your desire to just join the conversation is, I think, totally appropriate and welcome.

But there’s one thing we can all do right now to keep things moving in a healthy direction: Stop judging one another. Just like women should never have to walk around like that gazelle navigating the Serengeti (and God help us, I think we still have a very long way to go on that one), men shouldn’t have to worry about being perceived as perverts or sexual predators just because they want to be able to tell a woman she looks pretty or kiss a female friend’s cheek (assuming said friend is comfortable with that, of course).

Ladies, before you judge a man, examine your history, perspective, and shame first.

Guys, before you judge a woman, examine your privilege and power first.

Somewhere in this middle of all this, we can find the sexual empowerment that we all deserve and I guarantee you, the world will be a much more peaceful (and orgasmic) place.

This article was written for Howl by Yael Wolfe, a weekly column. © Yael Wolfe 2019

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