Can We Handle Male Sexuality in Monogamous Hetero Relationships?

Or are we so afraid that we try to control it?

“I think my husband is having an affair.”

I was sitting on the couch at my best friend’s house when she told me this. We both instinctively glanced into the dining room where her two toddlers were chasing one another. Neither of them appeared to be paying attention to her grim expression.

“Why would you say that?” I asked.

“When I logged on to the computer this morning, there was a porn site open in the internet browser.”

I stared at her for a long moment, confused. I had recently moved in with my long-term partner and had come to know his own porn habit quite well. Finally, I said, “So?”

“I think my husband is having an affair.”

Now she looked genuinely aggrieved as she whispered, “There was a pop-up chat window open, too.”

Again, I was confused. “Had he had a conversation with someone?”

She shook her head. “The thread was empty. But obviously he wants to talk to someone. Maybe he’s done it before…? Isn’t this one of the first warning signs of an affair?”

I felt stunned by her anxiety. I tried to tell her, without invalidating her feelings, that she was most likely blowing the situation ridiculously out of proportion.

A lot of guys watch porn regularly. That’s not cheating. Most porn sites have a pop-up window so you can “chat” with a supposedly hot and horny “slut” who wants to be fucked up the ass that very moment. A pop-up porn chat window is not evidence of cheating.

I liked my friend’s husband. I thought he was a good, honest person, and as far as I knew, he had always been faithful and committed. I encouraged her to trust him, or at least ask him about it rather than worrying that he was cheating on her.

She looked somewhat relieved, but I could see there was still apprehension in her eyes. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, “I hate the porn. It feels like something’s wrong that he needs that.”

By the time I was in my thirties, I had developed some fairly pragmatic views about sex. The perspective on this subject I had inherited in my twenties seemed bizarrely pious — two individuals who were totally committed to one another forever — no matter what. Two individuals who fulfilled one another’s every need. Two individuals who loved each other above anyone else. Two individuals who never desired or fantasized about another person for the rest of their lives.

I had fallen in love enough times by my thirties to know that these expectations were not just impossible but downright insane. What kind of craziness were we trying to inspire in one another with this madness? I can’t think of a better way to ensure a relationship will implode than to place these crushing, unnatural expectations on it.

My last partner had an entrenched porn habit — as many men do, I suspect. A couple days after we moved in together and finally got the furniture set up, I approached his “man cave” and found him enjoying himself to a doggy-style porn scene. He hadn’t noticed me, so I tiptoed away, not wanting to disturb his fun.

I gently teased him later about “christening” his new man cave and he looked embarrassed. That opened up a larger conversation in which I assured him that just because we had moved in together, I didn’t expect him to change his porn habit and I definitely didn’t want him to be embarrassed about masturbating whenever he felt like it.

I hadn’t yet had the conversation with my friend about her discomfort with porn, but I already knew many other friends had issues with their boyfriends’ and husbands’ porn habits. Obviously, there are instances in which porn can become an addiction that affects a relationship, like any other addiction, but in general, I think guys watching a little porn every day is absolutely harmless and I couldn’t understand why so many of my friends felt that something was “wrong” if their guys needed to indulge on a regular basis.

A couple days after we moved in together and finally got the furniture set up, I approached his “man cave” and found him enjoying himself to a doggy-style porn scene.

I’ve always considered porn a “freebie” in a relationship — meaning it’s a harmless way to express one’s sexuality and indulge in sexual pleasure with or without one’s partner.

As far as I’m concerned, this includes men’s magazines, as well. I had noticed that many of my friends had asked their boyfriends or husbands to get rid of their Playboys after they moved in together. It was “time to get serious,” they said.

Serious about what? Trying to tame their partners’ dicks into desiring only one woman until the bitter end? Ummm, no. That seems unfair to me.

I’m not gonna let anyone stop me from using a half-naked photo of Michael Fassbender as my desktop wallpaper, nor will I stop watching X-Men movies just so I can see Hugh Jackman run around shirtless while grunting and slashing at things.

So why can’t a guy happily flip, one-handed, through his old Playboys? I was so committed to that ideal, in fact, that I bought my partner a subscription every year for his birthday, even when my friends insisted that my actions might cause him to stray.

To me, these are all iterations of fantasy. Watching other people have sex, looking at nude photographs…these are just images that stimulate the brain and body with sexual pleasure. They create desire; they fulfill desire. They’re harmless fun.

So why can’t a guy happily flip, one-handed, through his old Playboys?

Over the years, I have talked about this with other friends and have been shocked by how many are either wary of porn and fantasies or who are downright opposed to them. Why? Some say it feels vaguely as if their partners are cheating, others say there’s something “deviant” about it, and still others see it as a red flag warning of bad behavior ahead.

Ladies, I think we need to have a serious heart-to-heart about this. Here’s all the things your guy — or you — can do without any guilt, in my humble opinion:

• Masturbate
• Watch porn
• Look at sexy, naked, even pornographic photographs
• Flirt with other people (to a reasonable extent within the boundaries of your relationship)
• Develop attractions to other people (but not necessarily act upon them depending on your relationship’s boundaries)
• Fantasize about other people (celebrities, dream crushes, or even real-life attractions)
• Fantasize about other people while you are having sex with your partner
• Fantasize about super skanky scenarios that you would never try in real life

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but…you get the idea. I think it’s long past time to let go of the fears surrounding our sexuality — particularly around men’s sexuality.

Fantasies are empowering ways to play out our sexuality in ways that respect the boundaries of our relationships. They don’t necessarily indicate hidden desires, they aren’t red flags, and they definitely aren’t cheating. Your partner occasionally imagining his favorite porn star during sex doesn’t mean he loves or desires you any less. Imagining being with other women — even women in his life to whom he is attracted — is not a harbinger of relationship doom.

Desire is a force of the universe that is meant to animate us and radiate out into the world in the form of love, pleasure, creation, or joy. It is not meant to be received as someone’s exclusive privilege. We get to choose how we express desire in relationships, yes, but we can’t ask one another to limit its trajectory or dim its glory.

Your partner occasionally imagining his favorite porn star during sex doesn’t mean he loves or desires you any less.

Ladies, let’s give our men the space and freedom in which to explore their sexuality. Encourage their enjoyment of porn and magazines. Celebrate their commitment to self-pleasuring. Let them indulge in their fantasies — and maybe even share them. (Believe me, it can be incredibly hot to hear what he’d like to do to the hot barista at Starbucks.)

Don’t be afraid of the power of male sexuality. Let’s look to it as a example, instead, and allow ourselves the same privilege, the same passion, the same breadth of expression.

If men enjoy more sexual freedom than anyone else — then dammit, let’s not limit it, but expand our own to meet it.

© Yael Wolfe 2019